QUOTABLES FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS” MARCH 12, 2011

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “During a conference on bullying held at the White House on Thursday, President Obama revealed that he had been picked on as a boy by schoolmates who said his ears were too large and his name was funny. Or as he now thinks of it, ‘the good old days.’“

MEYERS – “ARE YOU READY FOR SOME COLLEGE FOOTBALL? On Friday the NFL players union de-certified which led to the owners announcing a lock-out. There is still ample time for a solution before the season starts. But in what many are saying is a bad sign Jerry Jones just listed a 2100 inch television set on Ebay.“

MEYERS – “It was announced that on Good Friday, Pope Benedict will appear on Italian TV and answer three questions submitted from viewers about Jesus. Of course, the real question is, can he answer them faster than Watson?”

MEYERS – “This Tuesday was Mardi Gras, as well as International Women’s Day. Which had men everywhere shouting ‘show us your boobs, but only if you’re okay with that and if you’re not, we completely get it!’”

MEYERS – “On Sunday, the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark set a new record for the most preview performances ever without actually opening. The previous record was held by my first girlfriend, Catholic Suzie.”

MEYERS – “For the first time in 80 years, Ohio’s old electric chair will be on public display as part of a state history exhibit. Though I think they’re asking for trouble by putting it on display at a Brookstone.”

MEYERS – “According to a new study men with deeper voices are more likely to be suspected of cheating in a relationship. Also suspect: men with suddenly high voices. (Highpitched) ‘We’re just friends! I can’t have lunch with a friend?’”

MEYERS – “A high school science teacher in Missouri resigned this week after a student discovered that she had once been a porn star. I’m just amazed that student survived the brain explosion that must occur when your teacher shows up in the porn you’re watching.”

MEYERS – “Police in Alaska are warning visitors to not approach any wild moose after a woman who tried to pet one in a city park was kicked in the chest. “No- yeah, we know,” said absolutely everyone else.”

MEYERS – “A man in Italy who had been on the run from police for more than a decade was captured this week after he returned home because he missed his wife’s lasagna. Said the man, ‘I’m a living-a stereotype-a!’”

MEYERS – “A series of new pools are opening in Las Vegas that are adult-themed and will have DJs, topless areas and never enough chlorine.”

MEYERS – “A new trend around the country are cafes which allow bicyclists to ride in and get food and service their bikes, known as bike cafes. As in,‘see that Chipotle? That used to be a bike café.’”

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