QUOTABLES FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS” OCTOBER 1, 2011

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “After claiming for months that he did not want to run for President, insiders are now saying that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is reconsidering that decision. Promising to do one thing then doing the opposite? Sounds pretty Presidential.”

MEYERS – “President Obama this past weekend addressed the Congressional Black Caucus and told them to “stop complaining, stop grumbling, stop crying” and help him fix the economy and get reelected. Though I’m not sure if the mic drop was necessary.”

MEYERS – “CIA drones on Friday killed Anwar al Awlaki, an Americanborn Muslim cleric who was connected to several Al Qaeda plots including the failed Times Square bomber and failed the Christmas Day Underwear Bomber. Oof. When those are your greatest hits, I bet they knock it down to like ten virgins.”

MEYERS – “During Monday night’s performance on Dancing with the Stars, Nancy Grace accidentally exposed her nipple at the end of her number. She had to expose it, because she believes it knows something it’s not telling her about the Natalee Holloway case.”

MEYERS – “CBS announced Tuesday that Andy Rooney would step down from his role as commentator on 60 Minutes after more than 30 years. Rooney apparently wanted more time to prepare for his role in the live action version of ‘UP’”.

MEYERS – “New research suggests that women who drink 4 or more cups of coffee a day are 20 percent less likely to become depressed. Unless drinking coffee was something the two of you used to do together.”

MEYERS – “China on Thursday launched an experimental module called “Heavenly Palace” that will be the first stage of an eventual space station. Judging by the name, it will be where all the other space stations order take-out from.”

MEYERS – “In an effort to compete with the iPad, Amazon on Wednesday unveiled their new tablet computer called the Kindle Fire, which will retail for 199 dollars. It’s expected to sell well among parents who always buy the wrong thing.”

MEYERS – “A new study shows that the number of young people in France having unprotected sex has increased by 111 percent in the last three years. Of course, in France, unprotected sex just means ‘no deodorant’”.

MEYERS – “A British designer this week unveiled a new outfit made up of 3000 dried cow nipples. Unfortunately, if you wear it outside on a cold day, it’ll shrink up and crush you.”

MEYERS – “A stack of 25 bricks of cocaine worth more than 1 million dollars washed up on shore this week neat Cape Canaveral, Florida and suddenly the space program was back in business. – Weshouldgotothemoon! – Whydon’twegobacktothemoon?”

MEYERS – “The owner of a bookstore in New York City helped catch a thief who had been stealing books from city libraries and then selling them to used bookstores. The man says he was looking for the hardest possible way to make 11 dollars.”

MEYERS – “This week a conference was held in Arkansas to address the state’s ongoing inferiority complex and the perpetual image of residents being barefoot hillbillies. The conference was held in a barrel being pushed by raccoons into a swamp.”

MEYERS – “According to a new marketing survey people who like American Airlines also like ABC’s new Charlie’s Angels, while people who fly JetBlue like New Girl. While people who like Delta or Southwest enjoy sitting in the dark and stabbing knives into their legs.”