QUOTABLES FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS” OCTOBER 2, 2010

“WEEKEND UP DATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “North Korean leader Kim Jong Il on Monday promoted his son Kim Jong Un to the rank of general, a sign that he will succeed his father as the country’s ruler. Much to the chagrin of Kim Jong Il’s other son, Jeb Jong Il.”

MEYERS – “On Friday the White House released Rahm Emanuel back into the wild. Speculation is Emanuel is returning to Chicago to run for Mayor. There are many questions facing his campaign. The biggest being can he kiss a baby without it bursting into flames.”

MEYERS – “CNN fired newsman Rick Sanchez Friday, one day after he called Jon Stewart a “bigot” and suggested that CNN is controlled by Jews. In the end Sanchez was done in by his Achilles heel: his mouth.”

MEYERS – “In an effort to drum up support for Democratic candidates, President Obama has been traveling the country and engaging voters in a series of “backyard chats.” He was gonna do front yard chats, but then you get the foreclosure sign in the pictures.”

MEYERS – “Los Angeles was hit with record-breaking heat on Monday with temperatures reaching 113 degrees. It was so hot even Governor Schwarzenegger couldn’t take it.”

MEYERS – “It was revealed Wednesday that Howard Stern’s studio in New York City was infested with bedbugs last week. “Man, it is disgusting in here,” said the bedbugs.”

MEYERS – “Germany this week will finally pay off the last of the 94 million dollars in reparations it owed for World War One. Said a German accountant, ‘Okay, that is done, what’s next? Oh, right.’”

MEYERS – “Insiders are saying that David Hasselhoff was a “mess” behind the scenes on Dancing with the Stars. You know who else is saying that? Outsiders.”

MEYERS – “It was announced Wednesday that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi will write a book based on her experiences on the reality show “The Jersey Shore.” Possible titles include: Eat, Spray, Love; Sisterhood of the Not-Wearing-Any Panties; and The Color Orange.”

MEYERS – “This week marks the 50th anniversary of the Flintstones, the seminal animated series that inspired, among other things, the creationist movement.”

MEYERS – “This weekend, BBC America will begin airing episodes of the British version of Law and Order called “Law and Order: UK.” It’s like the regular Law and Order, except that instead of the traditional Ka-chung, they use Yakety sax.”

MEYERS – “A man in Colorado was arrested after he wounded a police officer by shooting him in the arm because he thought the cop was a zombie. Though in the man’s defense, the cop DID say, ‘Drop yer gun and put your hands above your delicious brains!’”

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