QUOTABLES FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS” OCTOBER 15, 2011

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – The White House on Thursday made its first attack on Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign, saying that on many issues Romney is “stunningly inconsistent” on issues like health care and taxes. Romney fired back, calling the charges “absolutely false” as well as ‘absolutely true.’”

MEYERS – “On Tuesday night, the Republican candidates met once again for what appeared to be either a séance or the world’s most boring poker game. Let’s see. Boring Poker game. Boring Poker game. OK. Séance. It was a séance.”

MEYERS – “A new “chat-down” security program is being tested at Boston’s Logan Airport, in which TSA agents try to screen out possible terrorists by talking to travelers and asking questions such as “Where are you going” and “How long are you staying?” Then they simply arrest anyone who answers, ‘To be with Allah for all eternity.’”

MEYERS – “Phoenix Jones, a self proclaimed costumed vigilante, was arrested in Seattle after he allegedly used pepper spray on a group of people leaving a nightclub. Jones apparently became a superhero after he was bitten by a radioactive idiot.”

MEYERS – “According to a new study, 91 percent of children in the US play video games. While the other 9 percent are too fat to play video games.”

MEYERS – “A man in Kansas was taken to the hospital after he was stabbed in the scrotum with a hypodermic needle during an argument. And that’s just one of the reasons to never get into an argument when your scrotum is out.”

MEYERS – “50 couples in Maine this past weekend competed in the annual Wife-Carrying Championship. Which means that, afterwards, 49 couples drove home in stony silence.”

MEYERS – “A restaurateur in New York City is planning to convert an old Staten Island Ferry into a floating lobster restaurant on the Hudson River. Combining the grandeur of a terrible commute with the sanitary standards of the Hudson River.”

MEYERS – “The assisted suicide machine created by Dr. Jack Kevorkian will be auctioned off later this month. So if you’re looking for a great gag gift for grandma…I actually don’t even know what the Assisted Suicide machine looks like. Can we take a look? Oh. Come on!”

MEYERS – “A woman in Chicago, who was 39 weeks pregnant, ran the Chicago Marathon Sunday then gave birth to a daughter after she had finished the race. I think we have a photo of the baby.”

MEYERS – “This weekend is the New York Comic Con. In case you were wondering why your local grocery store is out of aluminum foil.”

MEYERS – “The National Hot Dog and Sausage Council on Monday condemned the incident in which a man threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods during a tournament. The Hot Dog Council, incidentally, is made up of all the most disgusting parts of other councils.”

MEYERS – “A couple in Massachusetts called police to rescue them after they got lost in a corn maze. Even more embarrassing, this was the maze.