QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” (SEPTEMBER 12 – SEPTEMBER 16, 2011)

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Hey, listen to this, you guys. According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it’s up 55 percent over the last president. (A major improvement.)”

“You guys, yesterday was National Grandparents Day. Or as most people call it, (YELL) ‘NATIONAL GRANDPARENTS DAY!!!’ (Forget it. Just open it later)”

“Hey, this week, Microsoft is expected to unveil the new Windows 8 operating system. Yeah, in a statement, Microsoft said (FREEZE, HOURGLASS, BLUE SCREEN WITH CODE ON IT.)”

“This isn’t good, you guys. A truck in California carrying 35 thousand pounds of beer overturned on the highway. Instead of a road sign flashing ‘DELAYS AHEAD,’ it just said (DRUNK) ‘Dude, I seriously love you guys.’ (‘You’re my best friend.’)”

“This is interesting. A new study found that a mother’s diet affects her baby’s allergies. Which can only mean one thing: my mom ate cats.”

“Hey, today was the premiere of Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show, ‘Anderson.’ Of course he didn’t want to call the show ‘Anderson,’ but someone had already taken ‘Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper.’”

“Some political news. This week, New York’s Ninth congressional district is holding a special election to replace Anthony Weiner. You know, I was gonna write a joke about this, but it’s just so hard at this point.”

“I just saw this. Brand new episodes of ‘America’s Most Wanted’ will now air on Lifetime. Yeah, every time the host says ‘Officials are looking for a man,’ viewers are like (LADY) ‘Aren’t we all.’”

“And finally, a new study found that in the last 30 years, the average home size has increased by 600 square feet. Which is fitting, since in the last 30 years, the average person size has increased by 600 square feet.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Hey, here’s some big health news. The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins.”

“Here’s some election news. During last night’s Tea Party debate, Jon Huntsman said that America’s dependency on foreign oil is like being addicted to heroin. Then it got a little weird when he was like, ‘TRUST ME.’”

“I was just reading about this. The White House is planning an official state trip to Australia this November. Which explains why Biden spent all day looking for an Australian translator.”

“That’s right, Obama plans to visit Australia, for a trip that has already been canceled twice. I wouldn’t be offended, though – Obama’s our president, and we’re STILL waiting for him to show up.”

“Hey, I heard about a new website called Faceglat, it’s a kosher version of Facebook. True. Instead of a ‘Like’ button, there’s a button that says (JEWISH ACCENT) ‘Ehh, could be worse. At least you have your health.’”

“That’s right, it’s a kosher version of Facebook. You can still poke people—you just have to do it through a hole in a sheet.”

“This isn’t good, you guys. A McDonald’s employee in Minnesota was arrested for stealing the credit card numbers of drive-thru customers. Or as the customers put it, ‘I’m eating at a McDonald’s, and don’t have cash to pay for it. You wanna steal my identity? Be my guest, idiot.’”

“Hey, this is cool. Instead of sending in a written resume, a man in California recently got a job because of a YouTube video he made. As opposed to most people, who LOSE their job because of a YouTube video they made. (Did you see Gary? He put two Mentos up his butt, and a Diet Coke? What do you mean he lost his job? He’s a talented guy.)”

“And finally, you guys, Volkswagen is recalling 30 thousand Jettas because their tailpipes are too long. Or as the Jettas put it, (SEXY) ‘Awww yeah.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, big political news. A lot of Democrats are blaming President Obama because Republicans just won a congressional seat in New York. But you know what I say? Like the face of a guy who is passed out at a frat party, this has Weiner written ALL over it.”

“That’s right, Republican Bob Turner won the special election to replace Anthony Weiner. Man, that guy’s got some big briefs to fill.”

“Hey, listen to this. The government is about to release a report on what went wrong during the BP oil spill. Or as fish put it, ‘Hey, no rush.’”

“Check this out. A town in Minnesota has canceled plans to change the name of a street called ‘Stoner Avenue.’ It’s a weird street—instead of saying, ‘Stop,’ all the signs just say, ‘Chill, bro.’”

“This isn’t good. A week after releasing him into the wild, scientists have lost track of a penguin named Happy Feet. Of course, polar bears know the penguin by his new name: Tasty Feet.”

“And finally, researchers say that the South Pole is being threatened by a recent infestation of crabs. It’s all due to that new MTV show, ‘Antarctica Shore.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, did you guys see this? This was nice. Last night in the Rose Garden, President Obama had a beer with a Medal of Honor winner. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden had a beer with a World of Warcraft winner. (‘You gotta tell me how your Blood Elf got so many Conquest points!’)”

“Everyone’s talking about this. There’s a book coming out that says Sarah Palin had a one-night stand with former NBA star Glen Rice. When asked how it was hooking up with one of the all-time great shooters, Rice said ‘Not bad.’”

“That’s right, Sarah Palin may have had a one-night stand with NBA star Glen Rice. Oh man, the media is gonna be all over this like…Palin on Rice.”

“Check this out. This week, Michele Bachmann and Cindy McCain had dinner together at a Mexican restaurant in Arizona. It wasn’t good—first they sent their entree back to the kitchen, then they sent the kitchen staff back to Guadalajara.”

“Some TV news. ‘Glee’ is searching for a new male cast member who needs to be good looking and have a great singing voice. Man, where are they gonna find a person like that…(SING) ‘Or is he standing right in front of youuuu?’”

“Did you guys hear about this? A former Toys R Us executive was arrested for stealing millions from the company to pay for prostitutes. Yeah, he especially loved that one prostitute, ‘Tickle Me Candace.’”

“That’s right, a Toys R Us executive was arrested. When he got to prison, his cellmate was like, (GRUFF) ‘Welcome to Boys R Us. Want me to wrap that for you?’”

“I wanna ‘play’ with your ‘station.’ And then I’m gonna 360 your X-box. With my Wii!’”

“Listen to this. On Tuesday, Michelle Obama honored the creator of the Verdana computer font for his life’s work. Yeah, she also honored the creator of Courier New for making my college essays look 2 to 3 pages longer.”

“And finally, after the NBA failed to reach a labor agreement, the upcoming season is now in jeopardy. It’s gonna be tough going without some NBA action – just ask Sarah Palin.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Oh man, things are getting really nasty in Washington. During a fundraiser last night, President Obama said that Congress is ‘accustomed to doing nothing.’ In response, Congress was like, (SHRUG) ‘Ehh.’”

“Did anyone see this? A new study found that airline delays actually decreased this summer. The study was conducted by not asking you, or me, or anyone who flew this summer.”

“Hey, I read that Tyler Perry was named the highest paid man in the entertainment industry, after making 130 million dollars in the last year. He plans on sharing the money with his family – most of whom are played by Tyler Perry.”

“Listen to this. A woman in Tennessee was arrested for stealing art from an Arby’s restaurant. I don’t know what’s more shocking—that she stole art from an Arby’s, or that she wanted art from an Arby’s, or that there was art at an Arby’s.”

“That’s right, she was arrested for stealing art from an Arby’s. It’s too bad, because that photo of a roast beef sandwich would’ve looked great above her fireplace.”

“Get this. Nurses in the UK are being banned from wearing Crocs because sharp objects could fall through the holes. As opposed to the other big risk when you wear Crocs: people seeing you in Crocs.”

“Check this out. Engineers in Japan have entered a robot to compete in an Ironman Triathlon next month. Big deal – the other night on CNN, I watched eight robots compete for president.”

“This is weird. A plastic surgeon is opening a ‘fat bank’ where patients can store fat they had removed and use it for future surgeries. Unfortunately, that’s now the only bank where Americans can afford to make a deposit.”

“And finally, there are reports that Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi used to have someone recruit good-looking women to attend his parties. Or as one guy put it, (CLINTON) ‘That’s what friends are for.’”