QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” (NOVEMBER 14 – NOVEMBER 18, 2011)

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, there was another Republican debate on Saturday, and listen to this—Ron Paul only got 89 seconds to speak. Seriously? Rick Perry gets more time than that to try to remember something!”

“Some more election news. Yesterday, presidential candidate Jon Huntsman accused his Republican opponents of coming up with easy sound bites just to get applause. In response, Mitt Romney was like, ‘That is ridiculous – Clap if you like bacon!'”

“Did you see this? After major debt problems and a big sex scandal, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi stepped down on Saturday. Berlusconi said he’s really gonna miss the daily grind – that he does up against his receptionist.”

“Hey, I heard about a new insulin device for diabetics that could test tears instead of blood. That’ll be weird when you’re like, ‘Hey, I need to test my blood sugar – can you put on Marley and Me?'”

“This is weird. Officials in Australia say that parrots are actually getting drunk by eating fermented tree sap. You can tell, cuz the parrots are like, (DRUNK) ‘Screw the cracker, Polly wants a cheese pizza and some Cinna-stix, bitch!!'”

“Parrots are getting drunk. Which is why today, my parrot was like, ‘Polly wanna tramp stamp!'”

“Check this out. A man in Illinois was arrested for calling the cops five times because his iPhone wasn’t working. Yup, someone was arrested for calling someone five times in one day – do you hear that, Mom?!?”

“And finally, this weekend, a couple in Canada got married in front of a huge fire that burned down their wedding venue. It was awkward – the priest was like, ‘Does anyone have a reason why these two should not be married? I mean, besides God?'”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon everybody. We’re going to have fun tonight. I’m very excited, you guys. This is the first full week of games for college basketball. College basketball – or as NBA fans are now calling it: basketball.”

“Did you guys see this? During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama urged his supporters to watch the GOP debates. Although legally, he had to add, ‘But not while operating heavy machinery.’”

“Some elections news. Today, Rick Perry unveiled a new plan to completely overhaul all three branches of government. He unveiled a new plan to overhaul all three branches of government. Just as soon as he comes up with a plan to remember all three branches of government. Judicial, the Niña, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.”

“Hey, the TSA is warning airline passengers not to smuggle drugs by disguising them as holiday gifts. So if you were going to try and do that – you’re probably still going to try and do that.”

“Speaking of drugs, customs officials in Arizona discovered three hundred pounds of marijuana hidden inside a shipment of watermelons. Yeah, they knew something was up when the watermelons were like, (STONED) ‘Dude, isn’t it crazy how we start off as ovals, but then by the time people eat us, we’re triangles?’”

“This isn’t good, you guys. There’s apparently an outbreak of the flu among dogs here in New York. In fact just to play it safe, most dogs are using a straw to drink out of the toilet.”

“That’s right, a lot of dogs here in New York have been catching the flu. But between you and me, I think my dog just didn’t want to go to work this morning.”

“And finally, some big music news. Ozzy Osbourne is reuniting with Black Sabbath for their first album since 1978. That’ll be so fun. So be on the lookout for their new song, (OZZY SLUR).”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. The Republican Presidential candidates have really been fighting for attention this week. In fact, Rick Perry proposed cutting the president’s salary in half. Yeah, Perry was like, ‘What do I care – it’s not like it’ll affect me!'”

“Speaking of Rick Perry…in a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he’d be ‘Rocky Road.’ I don’t know, Perry’s not really any flavor of ice cream – he’s just the brain freeze part.'”

“Yesterday, Herman Cain said that states should have the right to legalize medical marijuana. Or as stoners put it, (STONER) ‘Wait, he sells pizza AND he likes weed? When can he start?’ (Can I text my vote?)”

“Listen to this. Vice President Biden was in New York today for the second time in less than a week. Just to see if he left his wallet at the M&M Store.”

“Hey, I read that 14 million Americans plan on eating at a restaurant for Thanksgiving. Yeah, cuz when my aunts are screaming at each other and my grandpa’s on a racist rant, my first thought is, ‘We should do this in public!'”

“This is interesting. A new study found that people with higher IQ’s are more likely to use drugs. Which explains Einstein’s other theory, ‘E equals me having an awesome time at a rave.'”

“This isn’t good. A company called CooperVision just recalled 5 million contact lenses because they can cause butt vision! (RUB EYES) Sorry, that’s blurred vision. These things are awful.”

“Get this. There’s apparently an upscale club in New York where members eat beaver tail, hard boiled duck eggs, and lamb eyeballs. Or you could go the cheaper route, and just order a McRib.”

“And finally, I read about a 90-year-old woman and an 82-year-old man who just went on a honeymoon in Jamaica. On their door, they put a sign that said, ‘Do not disturb…unless it’s been a couple days.'”

“How are you feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Hey, this is pretty amazing. A new survey found that 33 percent of Americans have broken up with someone using Facebook or a text message. While 33 percent of the Kardashian sisters have broken up with someone using TMZ.”

“This is pretty crazy. Officials in Sweden say that pigeons have started riding the subway. I doubt that would happen on New York’s subways – I mean, the rats would never stand for it.”

“This is cool. A company in the UK has created an eco-friendly wine bottle made out of paper. Though it’s weird when you’re like, (SWIRL WINE, TAKE SIP) ‘Mmm… I’m detecting hints of junk mail, newspapers, and old Best Buy receipts.’”

“Check this out. A new study found that overweight men are more likely to have children with weight problems. Or in other words, if you get your dad’s genes, you’re also gonna get his sweatpants.”

“I just saw this. Sting launched his own iPad app that celebrates the anniversary of his singing career. It’s a little annoying – every time you adjust the brightness, it’s like, (SING LIKE ROXANNE), ‘You don’t have to put on your backlight!’”

“There is a nice safety warning that’s like, (DON’T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME) ‘Don’t stand so close to the screen!’ ((MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE) ‘Message in your inbox.’”)

“And finally, PETA released a new Thanksgiving ad aimed at children, that compares eating turkeys to eating their pet dogs. Or as kids in China put it, ‘So?’”

“I lost a bet. Last night I was on the ‘Tonight Show with Jay Leno,’ and we played some frozen-turkey shuffleboard as one does. And I was sure I was gonna win so I made a ridiculous wager. Take a look: (SHOW CLIP).”

“Well, of course, I’m a man who keeps my promises, so I will be wearing Jay Leno’s denim shirt for the entire monologue. Jay, I hope you’re happy right now. I don’t think I can pull this off. Look how Jay rocks it: (SHOW JAY STILL) Yeah, I don’t think I can pull it off. (HIGGINS) Can you pull it off? No I’m asking you.”

“Lots of big election news going on. I read that Texas Governor Rick Perry has challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate. Yeah, Perry got the idea when he was like, ‘I can’t remember—am I good or bad at debates?’”

“Hey, Happy Birthday to Vice President Biden, who turns 69 this weekend! Yep, when they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch…and then waited for him to leave.”

“I’d also like to wish a happy birthday to Larry King – tomorrow, he turns 78 years old! For the 300^th year in a row!”

“Listen to this. A woman is suing Gary Busey over an incident in May where he drunkenly tackled her at an airport. When asked why he got drunk and tackled a stranger, Busey was like, (BUSEY) ‘You’re gonna have to be more specific.’”

“I just saw this. A police department in Texas has a new tool that can read a license plate from 1,200 feet away. Oh, and speaking of tools, I just saw on the monitor what I look like in this denim shirt and jeans.”

“And finally, Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order – an empty cup.”