QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” (May 9–May 13, 2011)

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, a big congratulations to jockey John Velazquez, who won the Kentucky Derby this weekend! Or as the horse put it, (SARCASTIC CLAPPING) ‘Yeah, all YOU man. Congrats! I don’t know how YOU did it. YOU must be exhausted right now.’”

“This should be interesting. The Pakistani government will start questioning Osama Bin Laden’s three wives this week. So it looks like we might finally get an answer to the question on everyone’s mind, (GOSSIPY WOMAN) ‘Soooo, how was he??’”

“Check this out. Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents 12 thousand dollars to move closer to their workplace. It’s already a huge hit– in fact just today, three-thousand prostitutes moved in right across from Congress.”

“Some political news. Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don’t know about his chances. I mean, I’m not saying Gingrich peaked in the 90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi.”

“Gingrich plans to announce his campaign on Facebook and Twitter. In other words, it looks like MySpace just got a little bit cooler.”

“Did you guys hear about this? Hooters apparently gave out free chicken wings on Mother’s Day. Yeah, it’s the perfect way to tell your mom, ‘I’m not just a sleaze—I’m also a cheapskate.’”

“And finally, this is a true story. The team that killed Osama Bin Laden found drugs for erectile dysfunction in his house. I guess that’s what the President meant when he said he had ‘hard proof’ it was Bin Laden.”

“Did you guys hear about this? Hillary Clinton is attending a summit in Greenland this week with leaders of seven Arctic countries. Yeah, apparently Obama was like, ‘Send the Ice Queen.’”

“Listen to this. A new poll found that Sarah Palin is getting a lot of support in her bid for president from low-income Republicans. You know, like Todd Palin.”

“This is huge. I read that Apple just became the most valuable brand in the world. Which explains why today, the Treasury replaced the U.S. dollar with the iTunes gift card.”

“Here’s some international news. The Libyan forces fighting Moammar Gadhafi only have about three weeks of funding left. It’s kind of hard to intimidate an evil tyrant when you’re like, ‘We will fight you until the end! Of May!’”

“Get this. The Collins Official Scrabble dictionary is now accepting the words ‘thang’ and ‘blingy.’ Which explains why I lost three rounds of Scrabble to Flavor Flav.”

“This is cool. The safest delivery driver at UPS recently logged four million miles without an accident. He’s being awarded UPS’s highest honor – long pants.”

“I’m not sure what to make of this. IHOP is going to sell frozen versions of its food at Walmart. Yeah, right there in aisle 3 in the ‘I’ve Given Up’ section.”

“And finally, Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, are separating after 25 years of marriage. Which explains why today Arnold was like, ‘I’ll be back… to get my stuff… but then I’m leaving… and our lawyers will talk.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! This is completely insane. Just a month after misplacing a cobra, the Bronx Zoo spent today looking for its missing female peacock. Yeah, you know what else the Bronx Zoo should be looking for? A new zookeeper. (‘Too much to keep track of…I got my keys, I got my hat.’)”

“Actually, I’m not surprised nobody was watching the peacock. Take a look at it: (PHOTO OF NBC PEACOCK)”

“This is pretty crazy. A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month old baby. You don’t pat-down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine. (C’mon! Keep the line moving!)”

“I was just reading about this. Apparently Moammar Gadhafi hasn’t been seen since April 30. Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking? (SIDE OF MOUTH) Nose job. (‘I had a deviated septum.’)”

“Did you see this? The Secret Service started a Twitter account this week, to update the public on job openings. Yeah, cuz if there’s one thing you want to announce to the world, it’s when the Secret Service is understaffed.”

“This is big. The White House announced that the 50-million-dollar reward for Osama Bin Laden’s whereabouts won’t be going to anyone. Then China was like, ‘Wanna bet?’”

“Hey, check this out. New York City’s new Nissan taxis will soon come with a kinder, gentler car horn. You can actually hear a slight difference. Here’s the old horn: (LOUD HONK) And here’s the new one: (‘I WILL REMEMBER YOU’ BY SARAH MCLAUGHLIN)”

“Some political news. In a new interview with Rolling Stone, Donald Trump said he uses Head and Shoulders shampoo. Analysts say this could lead to a huge boost in sales – for every OTHER brand of shampoo.”

“This is interesting. The number of millionaires in the U.S. is expected to double by the year 2020. Of course, by then, being a millionaire will just mean you have a full tank of gas.”

“And finally, police here in New York found a man on the beach carrying a gun and claiming that he was adrift at sea for days. Or as Obama put it, ‘We did really check to make sure Bin Laden was dead, right?’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, get this. President Obama was just ranked 108th in a new list from Golf Digest of the top 150 golfers in the political world. But I hear he’s improving. Last week in Pakistan, he shot two holes in one.”

“Did you hear about this? CBS was apparently in talks with Hugh Grant about replacing Charlie Sheen on ‘Two and a Half Men.’ It’d be a lot different—Charlie Sheen loves cocaine and prostitutes, while Hugh Grant isn’t really into cocaine.”

“Check this out. In an interview this week, Hillary Clinton said that she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing each other a lot. In fact, Bill’s even got a separate folder filled with Hillary’s e-mails – you know, the one marked ‘Spam?’”

“That’s right, Hillary said her family stays in touch by email. Bill was like, (CLINTON) ‘Yeah, that’s why I’m always on the computer alone in my room. I’m emailing my family.’”

“This is weird. The University of Chicago will be holding a one-day class on ‘Jersey Shore’ in the fall. Which marks the first time the words ‘Jersey Shore’ and ‘class’ have been used in the same sentence.”

“That’s right, a class on ‘Jersey Shore.’ The professor’s gonna be like, ‘Okay, if you have any questions, just raise your hand. Then close your fist. Then pump it. Then pump it. (CLUB MUSIC)’”

“Everyone’s talking about this. There’s a company in Los Angeles that’s selling a bottle of water for 2,600 dollars. You know what’s just as ridiculous? A two-dollar bottle of water.”

“And finally, a Dairy Queen in Canada broke a world record this week by creating a 10-ton ice cream dessert. Or as we call that in America, ‘a medium.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Some huge TV news. Ashton Kutcher is going to replace Charlie Sheen on ‘Two and a Half Men.’ Yeah, I wasn’t sure Ashton would be able to replace an older actor – but Bruce Willis was like, ‘Trust me, he’ll be fine.’”

“Did you guys hear about this? The commandos who raided Osama Bin Laden’s compound apparently recovered a ‘fairly extensive’ stash of pornography. Well that’s understandable – I mean, it’s probably not easy just having sex with the same 11 wives.”

“That’s right, they actually found porn in Bin Laden’s hideout. There were some interesting titles: ‘Debbie Does Abbottabad,’ ‘Deep Goat,’ ‘Bare Ankles 4,’ and ‘Two Humps, One Camel.’”

“I just saw this. President Obama’s campaign just moved into a 50,000-square-foot office in downtown Chicago. Meanwhile, Ron Paul’s campaign landed a sweet kiosk at the mall.”

“There’s a lot of traffic, though—it’s right across from Sunglass Hut.”

“Some more political news. Yesterday Joe Biden said that working on the deficit with Republicans is like carpooling to work. In response, everyone who carpools with Biden was like, ‘It can’t be that bad.’”

“Listen to this. A new study found that Arkansas is the most depressed state in the U.S. That explains their state motto: (DEEP EXHALE)”

“Get this. The Postal Service revealed that 5,600 mailmen were bitten by dogs last year. And that was just in New Yorker cartoons.”

“I don’t know what to make of this. Four people were arrested in Texas for selling illegal drugs and raccoon meat at a car wash. Yeah, the cop was like, (HILLBILLY) ‘You boys are in big trouble – you’re givin’ a bad name to every car wash slash raccoon meat shop in Texas!’”

“And finally, an 80-year-old woman in California, known as the ‘Granny Bandit,’ was arrested yesterday for robbing people at gunpoint outside of department stores. I’m not surprised that she got caught. Yeah, she was like (HOLDING GUN) ‘Stick ‘em up! Now…remind me why I’m doing this!’”