QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” JUNE 4 – JUNE 8, 2012

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, did you hear about this? On Friday, President Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago for the first time in over a year. It was nice – he even went down to the basement and dusted off some old campaign promises.

That’s right, Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago. Of course it got awkward when he left and his housekeeper was like, “Sooo, see you after the election?”

Everybody’s talking about this. Soda drinkers in New York are angry about a plan that would ban the sale of sodas larger than 16 ounces. Today, I saw a picket line that stretched six blocks. It was only made up of three people, but still.

This is cool. Over the weekend, the UK celebrated Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee, marking her 60^th year on the throne. Yeah, she’s spent 60 years on the throne – just like my dad the first time he ate Indian food.

I saw that Joe Biden’s daughter got married this weekend in a ceremony that incorporated Jewish traditions. Of course, Biden wouldn’t wear the yarmulke ‘til they put a propeller on top.

Here’s some celebrity news. Hugh Hefner is back together with his fiancée, Crystal Harris, one year after she called off their wedding. It’s like they say: “If you love something, let it go… if it comes back to you, it probably ran out of money and remembered you were a billionaire.”

And finally, I heard that this weekend, seven monkeys were stolen from a zoo in Poland. You know, so they could begin shooting Season 6 of “Jersey Shore.”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, here some campaign news. Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney – 100% reversible.

Did you guys see this? Yesterday President Obama gave Bon Jovi a ride to New York City on Air Force One. That makes sense – Bon Jovi’s living on a prayer, while Obama’s campaigning on one.

Yeah, actually, a new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of President Obama among voters who make 36 to 90 thousand dollars. Or as Romney put it, (COCKY) “Psh –and they said I can’t connect with the poor…”

Check this out. New York is considering a law that would keep people out of jail if they are caught with small amounts of marijuana. Which explains why stoners are like (STONER) “It’s the cops! Hide…most of the weed!”

Get this, you guys. Last week, a 3-year-old was kicked off an Alaska Airlines flight because he was crying. Yeah, the incident is raising a lot of questions – like, “Why am I not flying only Alaska Airlines?” (That sounds fantastic! Get out of here, fly somewhere else!)

This isn’t good. A new report found that architects in Las Vegas have one of the highest unemployment rates in the country. Yeah, the architects are getting desperate – now strip clubs are like, (ANNOUNCER) “Please welcome to the stage… Eugene from the Polytechnic Institute!”

Listen to this. A recent study found that sleeping in the same bed as someone else can help you live longer. Which explains the news that the cast of “Jersey Shore” is actually 300 years old.

Guys this is a true story – a man in Florida running for Congress has legally changed his name to “VoteForEddie.com.” Yeah, his opponent is also going by a new name: “The Guy Who Won.”

And finally, last week, Justin Bieber suffered a mild concussion after he walked into a glass window in Paris. Or as the glass window put it, “Oh my God – Justin Bieber just touched me!!!”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, here’s a big election story, you guys. It’s being reported that Mitt Romney’s personal Hotmail account has been hacked. Yeah, Hotmail. Even Ron Paul was like, “Get with it, you old geezer!”

Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, “I’ll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn’t Malt Ramrod.”

Hey, you guys may have noticed this. The weather in the northeast has been unseasonably cold this week. Yeah, people here are still waiting for the heat to show up – you know, just like basketball fans in Miami.

This is interesting. A new study found that optimistic people live longer than pessimists. Or as pessimists put it, “I knew it.”

Hey, I want to wish a happy 56^th birthday to tennis great Bjorn Borg! Yeah, I got him a gift card to his favorite store – Bjest Buy.

Some business news. Pizza Hut is trying to compete with Subway by coming out with a new sandwich called a P’Zolo. Yeah, “P’Zolo.” As in, “I’m not feeling too good. I just ate a P’Zolo.”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s some campaign news. Mitt Romney’s non-stop Secret Service protection is apparently bothering the people who live near his beach house. Romney had a lot of questions about the complaint, such as, “Which beach house?”

I saw that President Obama’s campaign is spending 12 million dollars on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney’s business record. Though Obama’s made some bad business moves too – like spending 12 million dollars on a one-minute commercial.

Some more political news. Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said he’s planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. Yeah, it’ll probably be something really huge – like, “Hello shoppers, we’ve got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!”

Hey, I want to say Happy 54^th Birthday to Prince! Or as he prefers to be called, “The Artist Formerly Known as 53.”

This isn’t good. The dating website eHarmony announced that 1.5 million profile passwords have been stolen. That’s scary – can you imagine someone pretending to be the person you were pretending to be?

You guys, this weekend is the 66th annual Tony Awards! Or as it’s more commonly known, “‘Glee’ for old people.”

Here’s some good economic news. Yesterday, the Dow gained almost 300 points to have its best day of the year. Yeah, 300 points – which explains why today, the Heat tried to trade LeBron for the Dow.

You hear about this? The founder of USA Today recently referred to Donald Trump as a “clown.” Yeah, even clowns were like, “Are you kidding? That guy’s hair is ridiculous.”

Here’s some local news. New York is launching a five-million-dollar campaign to replace the heart in the “I Love NY” logo. Yeah, five million dollars to replace a heart – or as Dick Cheney calls that, “a bargain.”

And finally, I read that the first woman to receive silicone breast implants back in 1962 recently turned 80 years old. Of course, by now, her breast implants are down by her knee implants.

Welcome to Late Night Jimmy Fallon! Hey, here’s some political news. Yesterday on CNN, Bill Clinton said he’s “very sorry” for going against President Obama’s campaign messages. Obama said it was humbling to hear Clinton apologize – then Hillary was like, “Trust me, you get used to it.”

Speaking of President Obama, this weekend his daughter, Sasha, will turn 11 years old. Yeah, Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present – you know, cuz she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago.

This is weird. There are reports that Mitt Romney used to dress up as a police officer in high school and pull over drivers for speeding. Of course, people knew something was up when they noticed they were being pulled over by a limo.

This is interesting. For the first time ever, more than half of all senior citizens in the U.S. are using the Internet. Or as AOL put it, “We’re back, baby!!!”

That’s right, half of all senior citizens are using the Internet. Yeah, I read that when my grandma sent the entire story to me in the subject line of an email.

I saw that a high school in Maryland is reprinting eight thousand diplomas because of a spelling error. Which is good, cuz nobody wants to be in the “graduating ass of 2012.”

Everyone’s talking about this. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo wants to decriminalize the possession of small amounts of marijuana. You can tell he’s serious –today he issued instructions on how to turn the Big Apple into a bong with some tinfoil and a Swiss Army Knife.

Some international news. On Wednesday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un spoke at a rally for more than 20 thousand children. Yep, he said if the kids just buckle down and study hard, they can be anything he wants them to be.

I read that this week, several prison inmates here in New York graduated from college. So I guess there are some people who want to be in the “graduating ass of 2012.”

And finally, a company in Missouri is selling a glazed donut-flavored vodka. Which explains why last night I got like 20 drunk-dials from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.