QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” January 18 – 21

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“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Yesterday was a holiday, a lot of people had off from work – teachers, postal workers, the Patriots…”

“Speaking of football, I’m not sure what to make of this. The NFL is selling tickets to stand outside Cowboys Stadium for the Super Bowl. That’s gotta be awkward for scalpers. It’s like ‘You sellin’ tickets?’ (SCALPER) ‘Yeah.’ ‘Where are the seats?’ (SCALPER) ‘Here.’”

“Some TV news here, you guys. I read that the Austrian version of ‘Dancing With the Stars’ will feature two men dancing together. That’s right, a gay version of ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ I thought we were watching the gay version of ‘Dancing With the Stars.”

“Listen to this. A prison in Russia is installing tanning beds to compensate for the lack of light inmates receive. Yeah, the idea came from the new Russian prison Warden, (RUSSIAN) ‘Snyooki.’ (DANCE ‘We get together, we have three way…’ DANCE ‘ I want to put my butt on the refrigerator…’ DANCE ‘Stay tuned for Skins…’)”

“Hey, did you hear this? There’s talk that the band O-Town may be doing a reunion. Oh, man! I hope they play some of the old stuff.”

“Did you hear about this. A 60-year-old strip club employee was fired for being too old. It was bad, you guys. Whenever she came to the stage, she would ask the DJ to play the Charleston. (CUE CHARLESTON MUSIC)”

“Back when she started, the stripper poles were made of wood.”

“In her time, people used to ‘make it rain’ with War Bonds.”

“The DJ would be like, ‘Shots, shots, shots, shots — seriously, get your polio shot.’ (‘Put your hands together for Mildred!’)”

“And finally, a new report found that most students don’t learn much in their first two years of college. Yeah, when students heard that, they were like ‘what are you talking about, I built a bong out of a shoe!’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. This is pretty cool, you guys. President Obama said today that he’ll go to the Super Bowl if the Chicago Bears are playing in it. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said she’d go to the Super Bowl, if ACTUAL bears are playing in it.”

“Check this out. A new survey ranked New York as one of the rudest cities in the United States. That is so not true. For instance, this morning I slipped on some ice, and a complete stranger was like, ‘Are you alright, a-hole?’ (Yes, thank you, m’am)”

“Speaking of New York… the Chinese government has a video installation in Times Square to showcase the work of Chinese people. Yeah, that’s different than the other places in Times Square that showcase the work of Chinese people: Nike Town, The Gap, The Disney Store… (They’re great ones too)”

“This wasn’t good. A woman fainted this morning during a White House welcoming ceremony for Chinese President Hu Jintao. Obama was like ‘Who knows CPR??’ And Hu was like ‘No, I don’t!’”

“Here’s some big TV news. Larry King said that he would love to be Regis Philbin’s replacement when he retires later this year. Seriously? That’s like replacing a Discman with a phonograph. (Dance to Charleston Music)”

“This is pretty crazy. Police across the south say that synthetic cocaine is being sold in gas stations disguised as bath salts. So just a warning – if you recently bought bath salts at a gas station…why did you do that? (I’m gonna get a scratch off ticket here, a snickers bar, are those bath salts? Gotta get one of those… Had a rough day.)”

“Did anyone notice this? Starbucks is now letting customers pay with their iPhones. That’s great, because now you can actually waste your money using the thing you wasted your money on. (Yin and Yang)”

“And finally, this is big, you guys. Nintendo announced today that they will launch the new Nintendo 3DS this March. Their CEO told video game fans that the 3DS will be, quote, ‘something you’ve never seen before.’ You know, like boobs.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Last night was President Obama’s state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao and he served lobster to all of his guests. Which meant for once, Biden wasn’t the only one wearing a bib.”

“I just saw this. Senator Bernie Sanders’ famous 8-hour speech against the Bush tax cuts will soon be released as a book. If you go to Barnes and Noble, it’s located in the section marked, (HEAD BACK, LOUD SNORE)”

“Did you guys hear this? The new chairman of the RNC, Reince Priebus, is promising to reinvent the Republican party. Reince Priebus? That sounds like something you catch from the Jersey Shore hot tub. (SCRATCHING) ‘Yeah, I got a little ‘Reince Priebus.’ I can’t get rid of it.’”

(SHOW CHYRON) REINCE PRIEBUS. “It looks like one of those name scrambles before the previews start at the movie theater. (Paul Reubens?)”

“Reince Priebus. Sounds like the type of wine you’d bring to a dinner party you got suckered into going to. (‘Hey, how you doing? Me and my wife picked up some Reince Priebus. Nice place here… You got a dog? You don’t. Smells good in here, is that steak? Turkey. Good, cause turkey is better than steak.’)”

“This isn’t good. The FAA says that nearly three thousand airline pilots were blinded by laser beams last year. I’m just glad we’re getting that from the FAA and not the pilots. Can you imagine hearing, (PILOT) ‘Hey, folks, this is your captain speaking. Don’t want to alarm anyone here, but…I’ve been blinded by laser beams. If you look to your right…can you please tell me where the hell I am? I’ve got blinded by laser beams. It looks like we’re probably gonna get in around 7… Well, looks is a funny word. I’m not looking anymore cause laser beams completely blinded me.’”

“Listen to this. A new study found that most friends actually share similar genetic information. Which means if you’re friends with your wife, you’re practically sleeping with your sister.”

“I read that the federal government may force alcohol companies to put nutrition labels on every bottle. Yeah, the way it works is, if you can still read the labels, the alcohol isn’t bad for you yet.”

“And finally, a company in Japan has a new seven-thousand-dollar toilet that comes with a sound system and a heated seat. But if you can’t afford that, don’t worry – all you need is an iPod and someone to use the toilet right before you.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Hey, this is pretty cool. You guys, a 30-second trailer for Justin Bieber’s new movie is going to air right after the Super Bowl. Incidentally, ‘the Super Bowl’ is also the name of Justin Bieber’s haircut.”

“Oh man. Everyone in New York is pumped up for the big Jets-Steelers game on Sunday! Fans are like, (SING) ‘Are you ready for some football?!?!’ And Rex Ryan is like, (sing) ‘Are you ready for some foot–?!’”

“Hey, I read about a new iPhone app that helps you walk and read your cell phone at the same time. Most excited about that? This person: (SHOW VIDEO OF WOMAN FALLING INTO FOUNTAIN)”

“You guys, this is amazing. Snooki from ‘Jersey Shore’ said that her new book, ‘A Shore Thing,’ just made the New York Times Best-Sellers List. Yeah, Snooki on the best sellers list. Up next: locusts.”

“Check this out. A new study found that heavy drinkers are more likely to develop an abnormal heart rhythm. Yeah. While a similar study found that heavy drinkers are more likely to think they HAVE rhythm.” (MIME DRUNK DANCING)

“Did you guys see this? Marriott plans to remove adult movies from its new hotels. That’s right, each room will be porno free – or as they’re calling it, ‘non-stroking.’ (Stroking and non-stroking. I’ll take a non-stroking room please)”

“That’s right, Marriott is eliminating adult movies in hotel rooms. It’s also eliminating awkward conversations about those ‘accidental charges’ on your bill. ‘I’m telling you, I must have leaned on the remote and not realized. Do I look like someone who would purchase ‘The Rod-father’? (I have a wife and kids dammit. I didn’t rent ‘Throbbin’ Hood!’ Are you kidding me, man? Alright, I’ll just pay for it. Yes my voice IS weird.’)”

“This is pretty weird. A British lawmaker was interrupted during his speech in Parliament when the musical tie he was wearing started playing a song. That’s gotta be awkward – it’s like, (BRITISH) ‘And that is why I demand that British troops immediately commence withdrawal. (SIMPLE NOTE VERSION OF LADY GAGA ‘BAD ROMANCE’ PLAYS) (TRY TO FIND BUTTON ON TIE) The time has come for serious consideration (IT GETS LOUDER)…sorry, I got this from SkyMall.’”

“I just heard this. Taco Bell has pulled its ads during MTV’s new show ‘Skins’ because of its inappropriate content. MTV was like, ‘Really, Taco Bell? We have inappropriate content? Have you seen what’s inside a CHALUPA?’ (SEINFELD: ‘Have you seen what’s inside a CHALUPA?!’)”

“This isn’t good, you guys. A new study found that bed bugs are becoming immune to the pesticides used to kill them. Which makes a really interesting study, and a really horrible nursery rhyme. (SWEET) ‘Good night, sleep tight, bedbugs have evolved faster than science so there’s nothing we can do to stop bedbugs from eating your flesh! (Goodnight)’”

“And finally, I was just reading about this. A new study found that birth control pills don’t cause weight gain. But you know what DOES cause weight gain? Not taking birth control pills.”

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