QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” August 9 – August 13

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! How are you guys feeling tonight? Let’s get to the news. In a new interview, Snooki said that her arrest last month embarrassed her family. Her family followed up with a statement of their own saying, “Oh no, we were already embarrassed.”

“Some more celebrity news. Simon Cowell was spotted on vacation this weekend not wearing a shirt. It was actually kind of a scary moment, when Simon turned sideways and one of his nipples took out a family of five.”

“Check this out. A new study found that Americans are becoming more honest about what they weigh. I guess people are starting to figure out that we can see them.”

“Here’s some gossip for you. Levi Johnston was at the Teen Choice Awards last night. I’m not sure what he was doing there. Choosing teens, I guess.”

“Listen to this. A company in California is selling cannabis cupcakes to anyone with a medical marijuana card. Fortunately to get a medical marijuana card in California, you have to go through a rigorous background check where they ask you all sorts of questions, like, “do you want a medical marijuana card?”

“Speaking of marijuana, a 14-year-old boy in California just started a wildfire while he was trying to smoke pot in a field. If this kid ever does try pot again, it’s definitely going to make him paranoid.”

“Did you hear about this? This is exciting news. There’s a new Pop-Tarts café opening tomorrow in Times Square. Finally, a way to enjoy pop-tarts without the hassle of making them myself.”

“The Statue of Liberty is closing for nine months next year to install a second staircase. But between you and me, I heard boob job.”

“The Iowa State Fair is selling GPS tracking devices so that parents can find their children if they get separated. That should be helpful. “Honey, where’d Gary go?” “Uh, lets look here. Okay, according to this, he’s at the Iowa State Fair.”

“And finally, a man in California was arrested for smuggling piranhas into the country. And you thought it was scary hiding heroin in your rectum.”

“That’s right, a growing number of Democrats want President Obama to replace Joe Biden with Hillary Clinton as a running mate in 2012. And by a growing number of Democrats, I mean President Obama and Hillary Clinton.”

“Did you guys hear about that JetBlue flight attendant yesterday? That was pretty awesome, right? I kinda love that dude. Some passenger cursed at him, I guess. He flipped out, he grabbed two beers and he opened the emergency chute and just slid out and said, “Just screw all this.” I’m not sure what the big deal is, though cause that’s how I leave here everyday.”

“Before the JetBlue flight attendant jumped down the emergency chute, he said, “There goes 28 years.” I guess it’s not too surprising that someone would snap after 28 years of explaining how to use a seatbelt.”

“This is kinda cool. Supermodel Kate Moss is rumored to be launching her own line of homemade jams. That’s right – the jars will come in two styles: “lowfat” and “empty.”

“Listen to this. Levi Johnston is going to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska in a new reality show. The show is called “Who Wants to be Mayor of Wasilla? Seriously, Anybody? We Just Need Someone With a Pulse.” That’s the show’s title. Long title.”

“Check this out. Scientists in Britain just unveiled the world’s first robot with emotions. That’s what we need, isn’t it? A Roomba that’s too bummed out to vacuum. It’s like, “No one appreciates what I do.”

“Hey, you guys…we have celebrity blogger Perez Hilton on the show tonight! I’m so excited – I can’t wait to hear what I’ve been up to.”

“You guys, there’s a new dating website for virgins called “You And Me Are Pure.com.” I believe it should be “you and I are pure.” No wonder why you guys can’t get laid.”

“Here’s some celebrity news. Justin Bieber has signed on to be the new spokesperson for the acne brand Proactiv. So I guess we finally know what’s behind those bangs.”

“And finally, a man in West Virginia was arrested at a park with his pants down, holding an armless mannequin. The guy told a cop “This isn’t what it looks like!” and the cop was like “Dude, I have NO IDEA what this looks like.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Let’s get right to the news! Everyone’s still talking about the Jet Blue guy. Here’s the latest: Flight attendant Steven Slater has been suspended after his meltdown where he cursed out passengers and jumped out of a plane. Which raises an interesting question: what the hell do you have to do to get fired by JetBlue?”

“Listen to this. Steven Slater already has more than 100 thousand fans on Facebook. My advice to those fans, whatever you do, don’t poke him. Cuz he will go off! He will freak out on you”

“Did you guys hear that Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Well, the current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like “Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.”

“Check this out. In a new interview, Snooki said that she wants to become a mom. I can not wait until Snooki’s pregnant. She’ll be like “Oh my god, I can feel him fist-pumping!”

“This is big, you guys…Jennifer Lopez has reportedly been dropped as a potential “American Idol” judge because her demands were getting unreasonable. Apparently, she was asking for the impossible: viewers.”

“This is crazy. A Krispy Kreme employee in North Carolina accidentally gave a customer five thousand dollars inside a donut box. Yeah, when the customer opened the box, he was like, “Where are my donuts?! I need my donuts!”

“A farmer in Idaho unknowingly watered and fertilized more than 300 marijuana plants. Yeah, he had no clue…although he should have realized something was up when his alarm went off and his rooster was like “Bro, I’m trying to sleep over here!”
“And finally, Tiger Woods’ column in Golf Digest is back, nine months after it was discontinued because of his sex scandal. It’ll be the same as it was before the scandal – except now, it’ll start with the words “Dear Penthouse.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Let’s get right to the news! Man , everybody is still talking about that Jet Blue flight attendant guy. He flipped out, he grabbed a couple of beers and then jumped out on the emergency chute. Well, Jet Blue announced that passengers who were on that flight are getting a 100-dollar voucher for “inconvenience” over the outburst. I don’t get that at all. “Here’s a hundred bucks. Sorry you had to see THE GREATEST THING EVER!”

“And this is big, you guys. United and Continental airlines officially announced their merger this week, and their new motto will be, “Let’s Fly Together.” Meanwhile, JetBlue announced its new motto: “JetBlue: At least you know the slides work.”

“Here’s some tech news. Facebook is said to be working on a “check-in” feature that will let your friends know your location. Though I think everyone knows that if you’re on Facebook, you’re at work.”

“Hey, Happy 47th birthday to rapper Sir Mix-a-Lot! I still haven’t gotten him a present – anyone know what he likes?”

“Check this out. A blind cat from San Francisco was just found three-thousand miles away from home, here in New York. Yeah, either it’s a cute story, or some awesome jazz folklore. “Hey man, you hear about that blind cat from Frisco? Made it all the way to the Big Apple with no scratch, groovin’ the whole way – you dig?”

“Hey you guys, in just two weeks, I’m going to be hosting the Emmy Awards. And you know what that means! I’m not nominated.”

“This isn’t good. A road crew in North Carolina had to repaint a school zone sign after accidentally switching the “c” and “h” in “school.” Yeah, it was a pretty mind-blowing day for the potheads at that school. They were like “Dude, am I seeing this right? ‘Shhh…cool zone. I can’t believe we’re in the cool zone. Amazing!’”

I don’t know if you heard this. Thunderstorms knocked out electricity for 100 thousand people in Washington, D.C. today. When he heard it was just a thunderstorm, Obama was like “Oh, thank God – I thought China finally shut off our power”

“And finally, a 10-year-old girl who wowed the judges this week on “America’s Got Talent” is being called “the next Susan Boyle.” Yeah, kids can be so cruel, can’t they?”
“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Let’s get right to the news! Did you hear about this? Joe Biden’s plane, Air Force Two, knocked over a small plane this week as it was preparing for takeoff. Nobody was hurt, but they were a bit shaken when Biden told them all to suck it, grabbed two beers, and escaped down the emergency chute.”

“Check this out. Al-Jazeera’s English-speaking channel has been nominated for an International Emmy. On the red carpet, Joan Rivers will be like, “Who are you wearing? And why is it ticking?”

“Have you guys heard about this new dating site for virgins called You And Me Are Pure.com? Finally, an alternative to the only other online community for virgins: World of Warcraft.”

“This is kinda cool. The town of Cridersville, Ohio will be renamed Snidersville for a day in honor of Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider. Yeah, Cridersville to Snidersville. So what do you think, Allentown, Pennsylvania. Or should I say Fallontown, Pennsylvania?”

“I don’t even know what to make of this. A man in Norway woke up with his head in a polar bear’s mouth last week during a camping trip in the Arctic. Can you imagine? His friend was like “dude, don’t move, you have something on your face.” “What is it? A mosquito?” “No, it’s a polar bear.”

“This is pretty weird. Andrew Lloyd Webber’s songs will soon be available in a karaoke game for the Xbox 360. So if you love the music of Andrew Lloyd Webber AND you play Xbox…who ARE you?”

“A 53-year-old man in Louisiana known as the “Granddad Bandit” was arrested for robbing 25 banks. Wait, he’s only 53 and he’s the “Granddad Bandit?” That sounds more like the “Midlife Crisis Bandit” or the “Ask Your Doctor About Cialis Bandit.” “And finally, a new survey found that 48 percent of Americans are willing to try a nude beach on vacation. And if I had to guess, I’d say it’s probably the WRONG 48 percent.”