QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” APRIL 9-APRIL 13, 2012

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everyone! That’s the type of energy I love right there. That’s awesome. Hey, did any of you guys see this? Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was actually spotted bodyboarding in California. Yeah, Romney would have gone surfing, but you know – he hates standing for something.”

“That’s right, Romney used a bodyboard. Marking the one-billionth time the words ‘Romney’ and ‘bored’ have appeared in the same sentence.”

“Actually, it turned out there weren’t enough waves that day, so he asked Newt Gingrich to do a cannonball.”

“Hey, yesterday was Easter, but listen to this — the price of Easter ham actually went up this year. Yeah, mostly because 90 percent of the country’s pigs were destroyed by angry birds.”

“Hey, here’s some election news. Today, Joe Biden launched a new Twitter account to give supporters updates from the campaign trail. Like his most recent update: ‘They still won’t let me go on the campaign trail.’”

“Check this out. This weekend, a zoo in Oregon is planning a 50th birthday party for an elephant. Yeah, it’s gonna be a fun party – they even hired a clown to make balloon humans.”

“I just saw this. Over the weekend, “The Lion King” became the highest-grossing Broadway musical of all time. In fact, the producers are so rich, they were able to buy two tickets to see “Book of Mormon.” (Isn’t that cool? They can afford it now.)

“Hey, get this. It turns out that a sperm donor in the UK may have single-handedly fathered 600 children. Yeah, and I MEAN single-handedly.”

“Finally, you guys, Kim Kardashian’s brother-in-law, Lamar Odom, is leaving the Dallas Mavericks after just four months. When they heard that he was bailing on his commitment so soon, Kim was like, ‘Hey, I guess he really IS one of us!’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, some major election news, you guys. Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Yeah, Gettysburg was a great choice cuz, you know – he should’ve dropped out four score and seven years ago.”

“Oh man, this is exciting for New York. The Mets have started the season with four straight wins. I don’t wanna say it’s surprising, but today, the Mets tested themselves for steroids.”

“Hey, tonight on the show, we have Jane Goodall, I love Jane Goodall. Jane Goodall is the world’s top expert on chimpanzees! Which is why I’m hoping she can tell us what to expect on Season 6 of ‘Jersey Shore!’”

“Did you see this? Police in Chicago arrested a man for robbing a Radio Shack by tracking him with the GPS device that he stole. Radio Shack couldn’t believe it – they were like ‘Something we sell actually works??’”

“This was nice. Yesterday President Obama played basketball with a few dozen kids at the White House. You guys see that? It got awkward when Biden came over and was like, “Let’s hustle these fools, ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ style!’”

“This is crazy. There’s apparently a 102-year-old man in New York who still works as a valet parking attendant. It’s not easy—every time he parks a car, he has to pull over three times for a bathroom break.”

“You can tell he’s old—when you tip him a 5, he’s like, ‘Hey, it’s my old roommate Abe Lincoln!’”

“Listen to this. I heard that Ikea is building a new 27-acre village, a whole village, near London. Of course, it’ll be annoying when they’re almost finished and realize that the box is missing six roofs and a street.”

“And finally, I saw that 48-year-old actress Lisa Rinna is the new spokesperson for Depends adult diapers. Yeah, the story wasn’t supposed to get out, but it leaked.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! You guys, I’m so excited – lots of things to get to, tonight on the show we have James Cameron, the director of ‘Titanic’ and ‘Avatar!’ Which explains why tonight’s show just went 200 million dollars over budget.”

“Hey, here’s a 2012 election update here. It turns out that Newt Gingrich’s campaign wrote a 500-dollar check to participate in the Utah primary, but it bounced. It’s true, even M.C. Hammer is like, ‘Manage your money, bro.’”

“Some more election news. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Yeah, Jindal said he couldn’t think of a better way to show his support, than waiting ‘til Romney was the only guy left.”

“Get this. After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts – just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending.”

“Hey, I read that Harvard Law School will soon offer a class called ‘Understanding Obama.’ While Barnum and Bailey Clown College will offer a class called ‘Understanding Biden.’”

“Some TV news. Last night was the premiere of a new reality show on Lifetime, about single women looking for love on cruise ships. Seriously? That doesn’t sound like a reality show – that sounds like a ‘Dateline NBC’ murder investigation.”

“Listen to this. A man in Maryland was arrested for selling marijuana out of an ice cream truck. You could kind of tell – instead of playing the normal ice cream truck song, they just blasted a Phish bootleg tape from 1996.”

“Hey you guys hear about this? You probably have, there’s talk that the CW is coming out with a new TV show similar to ‘The Hunger Games.’ Not to be confused with their other show based on hunger – ‘America’s Next Top Model.’”

“And finally, a new study found that 61 percent of Americans admit to being addicted to the Internet. While the rest said, ‘Not now, I’m on the Internet.’”

“How are you feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, here’s an election update. Yesterday in Rhode Island, Mitt Romney said that quote ‘everybody’ is on his list for a running mate. When asked if that included Sarah Palin, Romney was like, ‘Maybe everybody is the wrong word.’”

“Did you see this? Yesterday, Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center.”

“That’s right, Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, ‘Unplug me.’”

“Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the bingo game. Which was awkward, cuz one of the bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul.”

“Hey, I want to say happy happy birthday to David Letterman, who turned 65 years old today! I don’t wanna say he’s getting old, but today, he read the Top Ten reasons to get off his lawn.”

“And finally, I read that Virgin America is launching its own TV channel. Not to be confused with that other virgin channel, the SyFy network.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody! You guys, today is Friday the 13th! And if you don’t believe this day is bad luck – just ask North Korea how that rocket launch went.”

“Did you read about that? North Korea launched a rocket this morning, but it broke apart in the air seconds after its launch. Or as Kim Jong Un put it, ‘That’s the last time I buy a rocket from Ikea!’”

“Hey, here’s some political news. Today President Obama tried to improve ties with Latin America by announcing new trade initiatives. Meanwhile, Joe Biden tried to improve ties with Latin America by wearing his Dora the Explorer backpack. (“Do you know where the White House is?’”)

“Speaking of President Obama, a recent poll found that Obama is leading Mitt Romney by 11 points in Romney’s home state. In response, Romney was like, ‘Wait, are we talking about beach home, lake home, or regular home?’”

“This is important, you guys. Since April 15 is on a Sunday this year, the IRS has extended the tax deadline until Tuesday the 17th. When Wesley Snipes heard that, he was like, ‘Got it – Tuesday the never!’”

“This isn’t good. Yesterday, a TV station in Colorado mistakenly aired porn instead of Good Morning America. Or as Good Morning America put it, ‘Hey, we finally beat the Today show!’”

“Hey, check this out. This weekend is the launch of America’s first professional Ultimate Frisbee league. Yeah, it’s the only sport where players get tested to make SURE they use drugs.”

“That’s right, it’s the launch of pro Ultimate Frisbee, starting with the Rhode Island Rampage playing the Connecticut Constitution. And ending with Walmart’s manager telling them to leave the parking lot.”

“And finally, this is unbelievable…last night, Newark Mayor Cory Booker rescued a woman trapped inside a burning house. Not to be outdone, Governor Chris Christie rescued a Tostito that fell in his artichoke dip.”