QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” April 12 — April 16

“How are you guys feeling tonight?  Oh man.  I don’t know if you’ve heard about this.  There’s a rumor going around that Hillary Clinton could be Obama’s choice for the next Supreme Court justice. It’s a lifetime appointment that would take up all her time, or as Bill Clinton calls it, “She’ll take it.”

“Some more news out of Washington.  Vice President Joe Biden hosted a big lunch today with foreign leaders at the Naval Observatory.  Unfortunately, he spent the entire time asking everyone to observe his navel.”

“I just heard that CNN is hoping to spice up the show “Anderson Cooper 360” by adding a live audience.  After that, they’re hoping to spice up “Larry King Live” by adding a live Larry King.”

“Listen to this.  Last week, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt visited soldiers at Camp Pendleton in California.  Yeah, in response, the soldiers demanded immediate deployment to Iraq.”

“Speaking of Heidi Montag, she just revealed her new bikini body at a pool party in Las Vegas over the weekend.  It’s exactly like the new Double Down sandwich from KFC — it’s cheap, it comes with two giant breasts, and healthy people get upset when they look at it.”

“Yeah, Heidi showed off her new body at a Las Vegas pool party. The most impressive part of her new bikini body? Built in floaties.”

“This is pretty wild.  Some stores here in New York are going to sell a new beer that’s 32 percent alcohol – six times stronger than Budweiser. It’s gonna change the way people drink – and also the way they brag. “Dude, I got so wasted last night – I must have had like ONE.”

“Some theater news for you guys.  In May, there’s a new play premiering in Texas about a gay Jesus. I don’t know if the play’s gonna be good or bad, but I do know everything will go really smoothly and no one will have a problem with it.”

“That’s right, there’s a new play about a gay Jesus.  In this version, Jesus turns water into apple-tinis.”

“And finally, yesterday, Barry Bonds said he is “proud” of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds – it’s like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight?! This is really interesting.  I just read that the number of female multi-millionaires has risen by 40 percent in the last five years. Most did it through hard work and innovation, while other women just promised Tiger they wouldn’t say anything.”

“Oh, and get this. In a new interview with Playboy, Eliot Spitzer’s call girl Ashley Dupré said that Tiger Woods’ mistresses are wrong for coming forward. So I hope you heard that, ladies. You used bad judgment, according to a prostitute.”

“In that same interview, Ashley Dupré said that the Spitzer scandal ruined her singing career.  It’s true.  As soon as that scandal broke, I had to throw out all of my favorite Ashley Dupré albums.”

“Some political news.  President Obama announced that in 2012 he’s going to hold his next Nuclear Security Summit at a site in South Korea – right near the North Korean border. Seriously?? That’s like if you held a biker chick rally right across the street from Jesse James’ rehab facility.”

“Speaking of North Korea, I just read about a state-run comedy show in North Korea where the audience is ordered to laugh. Yeah, it’s called “Funny or Actually Die.”

“This is pretty crazy.  Fifty thousand women in Britain have been warned that any breast implants made in France could explode.  That’s gotta be awkward at the airport.  “Ma’am, are you carrying any explosives, besides those two?”

“They made a movie about a guy who had to defuse those things.  It’s called, “The Hurt Knockers.”

“The Copenhagen Metro was named the World’s Best subway, for having the highest customer satisfaction and reliability of any subway.  Meanwhile, the New York City Subway System was named…”

“I don’t even know what to make of this. Last week, two escaped prisoners in Argentina got away from police by disguising themselves as sheep. Yeah, guards said they should have known something was up, when they saw two sheep walking out of a prison.”

“That’s right, two prisoners escaped by disguising themselves as sheep.  Then, ironically, they were raped by farmers.”

“How are you feeling?  Oh man, do you guys watch “Dancing with the Stars?”  Well, Kate Gosselin made it past Week 4, which means that she gets to dance in “movie night” next week.  She’ll get to perform a dance from her favorite movie, “Night of the Living Dead.”

“Speaking of “Dancing with the Stars,” I heard Pamela Anderson is being sued for using the trademarked name “Muse” for her clothing line.  I guess she’ll have to go back to the old name, “Pamela Anderson’s Horribly Stretched Out Tank Tops.”

“There’s more TV news… I hear that they’re coming out with a Boston version of “Jersey Shore” called “Wicked Summer.”  The open casting call said they’re looking for “proudly buff guys who believe in God, family, politics, sports, beer, and partying.” I like how they just slipped in politics. It’s like the Jersey Shore cast going, “We love tanning, getting wasted, nuclear physics, and hot tubbin’.”

“This Friday is the deadline for mailing in your Census form. Yep, people all around the country put down how many people live in their houses – while Tiger and Jesse James put “kind of a tricky situation right now.”

“A new study found that Botox can make you seem socially awkward because it decreases your ability to react to emotional events. I ran this past one of my friends who’s had Botox, but he didn’t seem too bothered by it.”

“Last week in Britain, a horse was born covered in spots like a Dalmatian. Yeah, its owners looked at each other in disbelief – while their dog and the horse’s mother nervously tried not to make eye contact.”

“This is pretty wild.  There’s a new pornographic magazine for blind people that comes with explicit text and raised pictures of naked men and women. Still, most people who buy it SWEAR they only feel it for the articles.”

“Yup, a porn magazine for blind people that has raised pictures of naked people. Either that, or some company is ripping off blind people with old topographical maps. “Uh huh, oh wait a second, that’s just Florida.”

“I don’t even know what to make of this.  A company in Denmark has created a purse-like device that lets you carry around a box of wine in public. Although if you’re someone that walks around drinking boxed wine all day, you’re probably okay with just the box.”

“Did you read about this?  President Obama is launching a new six billion dollar space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars.  Of course, it’s six billion and 45 dollars if the astronauts have a carry-on.”

“Obama says the new six billion dollar program will let us engage in deeper space exploration, while Biden says this will let us engage in open dialogue with Alf.”

“This is weird.  An anthropology professor in upstate New York says that UFO studies should be a legitimate college subject. Unfortunately most students disagree…except for Zarbong.”

“Finally, Yahoo is producing a daily video series based on its most popular news stories, in partnership with Toyota.  Of course, they’re having a tough time getting the site up because it always ends up crashing.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight?  Listen to this.  At a Tea Party rally in Boston yesterday, Sarah Palin praised the crowd for winning that Senate race in Massachusetts.  She said, “Shoot, look at what you did in January, you shook up the United States Senate.” Unfortunately no one heard the Senate thing, because after she said “shoot,” three hundred guns went off.”

“At the same rally, Sarah Palin said, “Let me ask you, Massachusetts: Do you love your freedom?” Come on, is anyone gonna say no to that? It’s like going to a Phish show and saying “Anyone here like getting high and eating grilled cheese?”

“Did you guys hear about this?  Kate Gosselin told People magazine she thinks “moms and women” are the people who vote for her on “Dancing With the Stars.” However, most experts say her votes come from another demographic: the blind.”

“In a speech about the space program today, President Obama said, “The bottom line is, nobody is more committed to human exploration of space, than I am.” And then Stephen Hawking was like, “Oh, you’ve got to be s***ting me.”

“Some sad news.  Larry King and his wife are ending their marriage.  In divorce papers filed yesterday, Larry King requested joint custody of his two sons.  But it won’t be easy because they’re pretty comfortable in their retirement home.”

“This is kinda nice.  A company in Illinois is coming out with a series of porcelain commemorative plates featuring First Lady Michelle Obama.  Yeah, if you use them to eat foods high in fat or sugar, the plate yells at you.”

“This is a crazy story.  A man in Texas was sentenced to 15 days in jail for cheating in a fishing tournament by stuffing a lead weight into a bass. Jail time for fishing? Isn’t the penalty for shooting someone in Texas is like 50 bucks and an apology.”

“This seems like a good idea… In 2012, a cruise line is going to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking with a special nine-day cruise to the site of the disaster. Yeah, it’s on a brand new ship called the “S.S. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?”

“You’re not gonna believe this. Scientists in Britain have created embryos with the DNA of one man and two women. Yeah, it’s the closest any of those scientists will ever get to an ACTUAL threesome. “The nuclei is entering …”

“Check this out.  Yesterday at the Yankees game, an Army medic gave a woman the Heimlich maneuver after she started choking and saved her life. Yeah, the woman was pretty excited, but not nearly as excited as the little kid who caught the food in his glove.”

“And finally, researchers in Britain say they are close to developing a female version of Viagra. Although if you’re a woman suffering from erectile dysfunction, you have bigger things to worry about.”

“I read some interesting news today… A new study found that children should actually be exposed to things that are dirty since it makes them more immune to asthma. Maybe Kate Gosselin SHOULD let Jon take the kids.”

“Big story out of Iceland.  Have you guys heard about this huge volcano that’s causing travel problems in Europe?  Well, a lot of reporters are having a hard time pronouncing the volcano’s name. I can see why, look at the name… That doesn’t look like a word; it looks like my cat jumped on my keyboard.”

“I don’t really know what to make of this.  Bruce Willis is coming out with his own fragrance in July.  I hear it smells great.  Unfortunately, the slogan is “I smell dead people.”

“In an interview with GQ Magazine, Lou Dobbs said he’s considering running for president. Hey, stranger things have happened – Lou Dobbs being in GQ Magazine being one of them.”

“Check this out. There’s a new comic book coming out about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s life.  In the comic, Arnold battles his life-long nemesis: words.”

“Hey, I heard about this today.  A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. FINALLY, a politician who won’t cheat on his wife.”

“There are some new reports coming in from O.J. Simpson in jail.  Apparently O.J. has been playing a lot of baseball.  He’s pretty good apparently.  The only problem is that every time he runs home, he murders two people.”

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