QUOTABLES FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS” MAY 7, 2011

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “Well, somewhere, high above us, there are 72 super bummed out virgins.”

MEYERS – “The White House on Tuesday revealed that Osama Bin Laden was not armed when Navy SEALS found him, but they say he did resist them. Hey, White House-armed, unarmed, not resisting, holding a bunny. We’re totally cool with you shooting Bin Laden.”

MEYERS – “So I’m guessing this week, everybody looks like a Navy SEAL to Moammar Gaddafi. “Aaah! Dude, don’t sneak up on me like that!”

MEYERS – “Al Qaeda on Friday released a statement confirming the death of Osama Bin Laden. They also announced that, as a result, Monday will be a half-day.”

MEYERS – “In the wake of President Obama’s decision to not release pictures of Osama Bin Laden’s body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that Bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone.”

MEYERS – “In the wake of the killing of Osama Bin Laden, President Obama’s approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows that there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent.”

MEYERS – “A teenage boy in Alaska was arrested after he had to be rescued by police when he started riding a chunk of ice down a river. And you can catch the boy on the new History Channel reality show ‘Ice Chunk Dummies.’”

MEYERS – “It was announced Monday that the Black Eyed Peas will hold a free concert in Central Park this summer. A free Black Eyed Peas concert? That’s just too true to be good.”

MEYERS – “A 100 year-old man in California this week married his 93-year-old girlfriend. Dunno dude, one woman for the rest of your life?”

MEYERS – “This Wednesday May 4th was Star Wars Day, as in “May the 4th Be with You.” As in, ‘Yeah, I get it, just fix my email and get out of my office.’”

MEYERS – “In order to reduce the risk of Listeria bacteria, the Centers for Disease Control has been warning people over the age of 50 to heat cold cuts. Or as they will now be known, ‘cuts.’”

MEYERS – “A new study finds that the average college-age man thinks about sex 18 times a day. Oh, I’m sorry, I left out the word “bazillion”. 18 bazillion times a day.”

MEYERS – “This week, children at more than 1700 school in North America sang the song “I Wanna Play” at the same time. While simultaneously in China, over a billion kids were doing math.”