QUOTABLES FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS” – MARCH 10, 2012

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “Mitt Romney won a key victory in the Ohio Super Tuesday primary, narrowly beating Rick Santorum by just one percent – specifically, THE one percent.”

MEYERS – “Despite only winning the Super Tuesday primary in Georgia, Newt Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign saying, “I’m the tortoise. I take it one step at a time.” Also, if you roll me onto my back, I can never get up.”

MEYERS – “Rick Santorum today won the Kansas caucuses beating Mitt Romney by 30 percent. Santorum was expected to do well in Kansas because it’s also square.”

MEYERS – “In response to Rush Limbaugh calling a law student a slut, Peter Gabriel on Tuesday demanded that his music no longer be used on Limbaugh’s show – but Rush has a plan to win him back.”

MEYERS – “Scientists studying the body of a 5300 year old man found frozen in the Alps have discovered that the man was lactose intolerant. Their theory is that the man was murdered because he wouldn’t shut up about it.”

MEYERS – “A kite surfer, who was attempting to cross the Red Sea became stranded for two days and had to fight off sharks with a knife before being rescued. The man is in good condition and is ready to shoot some more Dos Equis commercials.”

MEYERS – “A Washington DC teacher was fired after assigning third grade students violent word problems that involved vampire bats sucking blood out of a man and a child swallowing marbles until he died. Said the teacher, ‘Please don’t look in my basement.’”

MEYERS – “A Michigan woman is being terrorized by a 25-pound wild turkey that bumps and claws at her whenever she leaves her home. And sometimes it just sits across the street in an idling car, watching her.”

MEYERS – “A new study suggests that women are better at spotting snakes just after they have finished their periods. The study was published in the journal “Science…?”

MEYERS – “Taco Bell on Thursday began selling its new Doritos Locos Tacos, which are tacos with a shell made out of Doritos. It’s all in keeping with Taco Bell’s new slogan, ‘We Hate You.’”

MEYERS – “Police in Michigan are searching for an escaped pygmy goat that has done hundreds of dollars in damage to local homes and businesses. Oddly enough, by tagging.”

MEYERS – “Ohio University this week ordered a student to remove a hot tub that he had installed in his dorm room. Said the man, ‘oh, I’m not a student.’”