QUOTABLES FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS” JANUARY 8, 2011

“WEEKEND UP DATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “On Wednesday outgoing Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi transferred power to her successor John Boehner, and in a rare sign of affection between the rivals — Look out Nancy! He’s got a hammer.”

MEYERS – “The Republican effort to have the Constitution read aloud on Thursday was interrupted several times, including when readers skipped two pages, when a Democrat complained that passages regarding slavery were omitted and when a birther in the gallery shouted out that President Obama was not eligible to be in office. And it didn’t help that this music was playing the whole time.”

MEYERS – “Democrat Jerry Brown was sworn in Monday as governor of California, nearly 28 years after he last served in that same office. Brown says that his first order of business is to find that loose floorboard where he hid his weed.”

MEYERS – “It was reported Thursday that just three weeks after Elizabeth Edwards died, John Edwards proposed to his mistress Rielle Hunter. So the two of them can look forward to many, many years of being booed in restaurants.”

MEYERS – “According to a new poll, President Obama’s approval rating is at 50 percent, its highest level in seven months. Of course, it helps that the poll was taken at a Brown University drum circle.”

MEYERS – “A new edition of the Mark Twain classic The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is being published that will remove all mentions of the “N” word. Worse, they plan to replace them with ‘homey.’”

MEYERS – “Claire Buffie, who is currently Miss New York, said that when she competes in the upcoming Miss America pageant she will be championing gay rights as part of her campaign. Sounds like someone finally figured out who still watches the Miss America pageant.”

MEYERS – “Zookeepers in Germany entered the zoo’s lion enclosure this week after a baby penguin wandered in and stayed there for a day. But by the time they arrived it was too late: all the lions were dead.”

MEYERS – “It was reported that Mickey Rourke is planning to remove his two front teeth so that he can play a famous Rugby star in a new movie. Oh no, then his face might look weird.”

MEYERS – “A couple in Pennsylvania, who got married on New Year’s Day, followed up the ceremony by joining members of the Polar Bear Club in jumping into a local river. In what I’m guessing was a real rollercoaster day for the man’s penis.”

MEYERS – “According to new research, senior citizens who walk faster will live longer. Cuz ya know, that light’s not gonna stay red forever.”

MEYERS – “Jersey Shore star Jenni “JWoww” Farley this week asked a judge to bar her ex-boyfriend from releasing nude pictures of her before and after she had surgery. I guess she wants people to think of her as “JWoww” and forget when she used to be ‘JMeh.’”

MEYERS – “According to new research, people attending heavy metal concerts can give themselves brain damage if they move their heads more than 75 degrees while keeping beat with the music. Cuz if there are two things metal heads are good at, it’s geometry and caring about what happens to their brains.”