“WEEKEND UPDATE†ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “It was reported today that a dozen Secret Service personnel, who were in Colombia preparing for President Obama’s arrival at a summit, were sent home this week over allegations of misconduct, including soliciting a prostitute. The men will be reassigned to the ‘Can’t Keep a Secret Service.'”
MEYERS – “Rick Santorum on Tuesday announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination. In his honor, sweater sleeves will be worn at half-mast.â€
MEYERS – “President Obama on Wednesday gave a speech surrounded by a group of millionaires and their secretaries calling for Congress to pass the Buffet Rule and raise taxes on the rich. Confusing many who thought the Buffet Rule was ‘only sing along with chorus.’”
MEYERS – “A new survey shows that the average American family expects to spend 1078 dollars this year on prom, which is up more than 200 dollars from last year. And that doesn’t even include the cost of raising the baby.â€
MEYERS – “Producers have announced plans to make an animated movie about Yvonne, a German cow who escaped a slaughterhouse last year and evaded capture for three months. The movie will be titled ‘Ze Cow Who Did Not Follow Instructions!’”
MEYERS – “A man in Connecticut was arrested after his five-year old son brought dozens of bags of heroin he found in their home to his kindergarten show and- tell. But no one was more upset than the kid who had to follow that.â€
MEYERS – “A new exhibit in Pennsylvania focuses on the 12 dogs that died on the Titanic. So round up the kids and head on over to the Philadelphia Museum of Bummers.â€
MEYERS – “A rooster in Tennessee has become famous for walking past a fried chicken restaurant every day. Though it’s a little sad because he always walks by yelling, ‘Linda? Where are you, Linda??’”
MEYERS – “Pizza Hut is introducing a new pizza with hot dogs baked into the crust. It’s called the “Rock-Bottom Supreme.” And conveniently, the box doubles as a suicide note.â€
MEYERS – “Scientists reported Thursday that baboons are capable of recognizing words. Though it seems the two words they can’t recognize are ‘stop’ and ‘masturbating.'”
MEYERS – “Tennessee police arrested a man who, during a 9-hour layover between buses, allegedly committed 10 felonies including stealing a taser, robbing people, and breaking into a business and defecating on a desk. But then I’d be pretty angry too, if I had a nine-hour bus layover.â€
MEYERS – “An inventor has created a new alarm clock that does not have a snooze button and will allow the alarm to be turned off by entering the date in a keypad in a separate room. Because who doesn’t like to start the day by running through the house screaming ‘what day is it??’”