“Listen to this. In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama said, “We are on the verge of guaranteeing Americans health insurance whether they lose their job, change jobs, move, or get sick.” Which means Jay, Conan and I are gonna be just fine.”
“I don’t know if you heard this, Sarah Palin, she just signed on to be a contributor to the Fox News Channel. She chose the job after carefully weighing her other option, “just going away.”
“Speaking of Sarah Palin, I was watching 60 Minutes last night and a former McCain campaign aide said that when Palin found out she would become John McCain’s running mate, she said, “It’s God’s plan.” To which God responded “What, REALLY? Don’t bring me into this!”
“There’s more airline news. Four TSA workers at Los Angeles International Airport were videotaped snorting drugs. It was the first time people had ever seen lines go that fast at the airport.”
“This is big news. Jared – the Subway guy – is getting married this summer. He’s being fitted this weekend for one tuxedo that fits, and then a way bigger one to hold out in front of him at all times.”
“Listen to this. A man in Chicago was arrested for growing marijuana in his apartment right above a preschool. It’s impossible to tell if the pot affected the kids since preschool is like one big stoner party anyway. I mean, nap time, snack time, nap time, snack time.”
“This is pretty surprising. A new study found that 5 percent of baby boomers admit to getting high and popping pills. Come on, I know he’s a big guy, but it’s not fair to call Rush Limbaugh “5 percent of baby boomers.”
“Finally, a man in Chicago was just arrested for fondling himself at a Starbucks. He’s been charged with two counts of “grinding his own beans.”
“Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News contributor tonight on “The O’Reilly Factor.” It’s the darndest thing, though – I tried to record it, but my DVR quit halfway through.”
“Hey, any big fans of Jersey Shore out there? Well, listen to this. Snooki from “Jersey Shore” told People that she “would love” to have her own reality dating show called “Snookin’ for Love.” So far, Snobody’s that interested.”
“Also from “Jersey Shore,” Vinny told People Magazine that if he can’t become a comedian, he will “try to get into law school.” Well, his first joke worked.”
“Big political news out of New Jersey lately. The New Jersey Senate just approved a bill to legalize medical marijuana, a week after New Jersey voted not to allow gay marriage. Which means the New Jersey Senate was like, “Gay people getting married? What are you, high? No? Well let’s get high then.”
“I read this today. A 67-year-old woman and a 75-year-old man got married in the cafeteria of a Whole Foods Market in Florida where they met last year. Awwww, white people.”
“Here’s some health news for you guys. New research finds that having extra weight in your butt is actually healthy. Yeah, the study was conducted by a “Dr. S. Mix-a-Lot.”
“Any cougars in the audience tonight? Well, Carnival Cruise Lines will no longer book “cougar”-themed cruises – for older women and younger men. Instead, they’ll have to meet where they used to – on any other cruise.”
“Check this out. A company in Texas has started a new social networking site for cowboys. The site would have launched earlier, but it took several days for a lawyer to explain to the cowboys that the name Yahoo.com was taken.”
“And finally, a sex shop in Vancouver said it will give medal-winning Olympic athletes a free vibrator. As a result, experts say that men’s figure skating will be more competitive than ever.”
“Hey, did you guys see the season premiere of American Idol last night?! It must be crazy for those contestants, performing on national television while a few people decide your fate. Personally, I get enough of that here at NBC.”
“A new report says that one year after Obama took office, 40 percent of top positions in his administration have yet to be filled. George Bush actually filled 62 percent of top positions during his first year. And Bill Clinton filled all the top positions, and even some of the weird sideways ones.”
“I couldn’t believe this. New York Governor David Paterson’s 15-year-old son, Alex, was questioned by police for possession of a stolen debit card. Oh, let’s see, running up a huge debt with money that isn’t yours? I wonder who he learned that from.”
“Check this out. Heidi Montag told People magazine that she’s “beyond obsessed” with plastic surgery and underwent 10 procedures in one day. I think I speak for all Americans when I say that if she wants to look better, she should just have her Pratt removed.”
“Hey, anybody here planning a vacation? Well, North Korea announced today that it plans to allow more American tourists into the country after years of restrictions. Although I’m not sure I’m a fan of their tourism slogan: “Come to North Korea! There’s only a 36 percent chance we’ll throw you in jail under fraudulent charges.”
“Hey, A new study finds that the increase of obesity in the U.S. is starting to slow – mainly because so many Americans are already fat. So congratulations?”
“I read today that the producers of “Lost” won’t be making any sequels or spin-offs to the series and that they “are definitively ending this story in May.” Lost fans spent the next 12 hours on message boards trying to figure out what that really means.”
“Listen to this. During a recent interview on C-SPAN, IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman said he doesn’t do his own taxes because he finds “the tax code complex.” Wait, what?!? That’s like a surgeon saying, “You guys, blood grosses me out. So I don’t wanna.”
“During a house fire in the Bronx last night, fire fighters discovered a massive weed growing operation. The fire eventually put itself out, because it got tired of the firefighters staring at it and talking about how cool it was.”
“When the firefighters got there, they immediately called for backup and several bags of Funyuns.”
“Hey, this is bad. Wal-Mart announced this week that it will close 10 Sam’s Club super-stores to reduce costs. Wow, even their bad news comes in a ten-pack. That’s weird.”
“And finally, the 13 billion dollar porn industry has suffered a 50 percent drop in DVD sales since 2006 because of the bad economy. It’s the first time in history that porn stars have had trouble making ends meet.”
“There’s big news out of Washington today. President Obama announced a plan to recover federal bailout money from banks. I guess this explains why Biden was seen yesterday buying a gun and a ski mask.”
“Hey, Groundhog Day is only a few weeks away and I read that Punxsutawny Phil will text his prediction this year. Hopefully, this will go better than last year, when he pressed the wrong button and sent naked pictures of his girlfriend to everybody.”
“Listen to this. In an interview with People magazine, Michelle Obama said that she’s heard about MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” but she hasn’t seen it. Funny, that’s exactly what the people on Jersey Shore said about the Obamas.”
“I thought this was interesting. Newsweek is reporting that male-on-male sexual harassment is on the rise in the American workplace. Higgins.”
“This was kind of a pain. Today, police here in New York shut down 7th Avenue because of a suspicious package. Hey, police – this is New York – EVERYTHING is suspicious. On my way to work today I saw a Hassidic guy with no pants playing the didjeridoo, I didn’t shut down the city because of it.”
“Speaking of suspicious packages, Higgins. Porn legend Ron Jeremy recently said that video games have “a much bigger negative influence on kids” than porn. Although Ron Jeremy did admit that both porn and videogames help to develop hand-eye coordination.”
“Sad news. Donald Gurkey, the man who created SpaghettiOs, has died at the age of 83. Apparently, his last words were “Uh-oh.”
“Hey, during a house fire in the Bronx this week, fire fighters discovered a massive weed growing operation. The fire eventually put itself out, cuz it got tired of the firefighters staring at it and talking about how cool the colors were.”
“When the firefighters got there, they immediately called for backup, and several bags of Funyuns.”
“I don’t even know what to make of this. Canadian history magazine, The Beaver, is changing its name because of its unintended sexual connotation. So, starting with next month’s issue, the magazine will be called “The – you know.”
“Listen to this. Members of a gang here in New York City were busted yesterday for bragging about their crimes on MySpace. They were charged with two counts of “being so 2007.”
“This is important. A new study found that 30 percent of Americans get less than 6 hours of sleep at night. Yeah, that’s good to know, although it was totally unnecessary for that one guy to add, “if you know what I mean” to his answer.”
“And finally, Victoria’s Secret has a new “topless bikini” for women. It’s just skimpy bottoms attached to your neck by a string, and it comes in three sizes, small, medium and “you really shouldn’t wear this.”
“Let’s get right to the news. Last night, President Obama attended his daughter Malia’s school recital. Not to see her perform or anything. Just to see if any of the kids had a solution to health care.”
“During Malia’s recital, Obama was so proud. He kept on turning to the other parents and saying, “That’s my daughter up there!” And the other parents were like “You mean the snowflake surrounded by Secret Service agents? Yeah, we got it!”
“Everyone around the country is still focused on health care. President Obama recently said, “We’ve spent so much time talking about the House bill versus the Senate bill that we haven’t been able to talk about how great the bill is overall.” Then someone asked him how great it was, and he was like, “Not that great.”
“I thought this was interesting. First lady Michelle Obama told reporters that she tries to stay grounded by thinking of herself as “Michelle” more than “First Lady.” Then one reporter said, “It’s good to hear that, Michelle.” And she was like, “Please! It’s ‘First Lady.'”
“I love this story – A man in Texas rescued a puppy from a burning building and saved its life by giving it mouth-to-mouth. The dog later thanked the man by giving HIM nose-to-crotch.”
“Yeah, a man saved a puppy’s life by giving it mouth-to-mouth. I’m telling you, I haven’t seen a guy kiss a dog like that since, well, since last night on “Jersey Shore.”
“Check this out. A new study revealed that losing a few pounds prior to surgery could help reduce the risk of complications. When they heard this, Americans were like, “Ehh, we’ll take our chances.”
“This is cool. Thousands of people in Africa and Asia viewed an eclipse today when the moon crossed the sun’s path. Yeah, kids across China watched the eclipse wearing those special protective sunglasses – which was neat, because they also made them.”
“Listen to this. A man in Oregon was arrested after police searched his car and found a half-pound of marijuana, mushrooms, hashish, two rifles, a machete, and a samurai sword. Or as TSA screeners would call it, “Nothing suspicious.”
“Did you guys hear this? Lady Gaga cancelled her concert in Indiana last night because she was feeling dizzy before the show. Doctors say Lady Gaga is fine, though it was hard to examine her cuz it took them twenty minutes just to find her face.”
“And finally, authorities investigated a plane in Michigan after a man locked himself in the bathroom and said he had a bomb. The man says he’s very sorry, and will definitely find a new way to refer to going to the bathroom.”
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