QUOTABLES FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS” MAY 7, 2011

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “Well, somewhere, high above us, there are 72 super bummed out virgins.”

MEYERS – “The White House on Tuesday revealed that Osama Bin Laden was not armed when Navy SEALS found him, but they say he did resist them. Hey, White House-armed, unarmed, not resisting, holding a bunny. We’re totally cool with you shooting Bin Laden.”

MEYERS – “So I’m guessing this week, everybody looks like a Navy SEAL to Moammar Gaddafi. “Aaah! Dude, don’t sneak up on me like that!”

MEYERS – “Al Qaeda on Friday released a statement confirming the death of Osama Bin Laden. They also announced that, as a result, Monday will be a half-day.”

MEYERS – “In the wake of President Obama’s decision to not release pictures of Osama Bin Laden’s body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that Bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone.”

MEYERS – “In the wake of the killing of Osama Bin Laden, President Obama’s approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows that there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent.”

MEYERS – “A teenage boy in Alaska was arrested after he had to be rescued by police when he started riding a chunk of ice down a river. And you can catch the boy on the new History Channel reality show ‘Ice Chunk Dummies.’”

MEYERS – “It was announced Monday that the Black Eyed Peas will hold a free concert in Central Park this summer. A free Black Eyed Peas concert? That’s just too true to be good.”

MEYERS – “A 100 year-old man in California this week married his 93-year-old girlfriend. Dunno dude, one woman for the rest of your life?”

MEYERS – “This Wednesday May 4th was Star Wars Day, as in “May the 4th Be with You.” As in, ‘Yeah, I get it, just fix my email and get out of my office.’”

MEYERS – “In order to reduce the risk of Listeria bacteria, the Centers for Disease Control has been warning people over the age of 50 to heat cold cuts. Or as they will now be known, ‘cuts.’”

MEYERS – “A new study finds that the average college-age man thinks about sex 18 times a day. Oh, I’m sorry, I left out the word “bazillion”. 18 bazillion times a day.”

MEYERS – “This week, children at more than 1700 school in North America sang the song “I Wanna Play” at the same time. While simultaneously in China, over a billion kids were doing math.”

QUOTABLES FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS” FEBRUARY 5, 2011

“WEEKEND UP DATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “Supporters of President Hosni Mubarak rode into Cairo’s central square Tuesday on horses and camels and used whips to attack antigovernment protesters, as well as several very confused contestants on The Amazing Race.”

MEYERS – “Clothing maker Kenneth Cole, created controversy on Twitter this week with a tweet Many people on Twitter were upset by a tweet that said, “Millions are in uproar in Cairo…rumor is they heard about our new spring collection.” It’s reminiscent of that controversial Gap ad, ‘Everyone in Somalia is starving…for cords!’”

MEYERS – “Many industry insiders are wondering if Charlie Sheen will pay the salaries of the crew of Two and a Half Men, who will be out of work while Sheen is in rehab. Well, if he does, be careful crew, he expects a lot of crazy stuff when he’s paying you.”

MEYERS – “Denny’s has launched a new ad campaign to brand itself as a diner where customers can feel a warmth and connection with their servers, instead of what it is now, a 24/7 competitive-eating Thunderdome.”

MEYERS – “A woman in Los Angeles has reportedly filed a 1 trillion dollar lawsuit against Sean “Diddy” Combs, claiming that he is the father of her child and that he is also responsible for 9/11. Though I bet she would consider settling out of court for a handful of drugs.”

MEYERS – “A new study shows that a dog trained to smell colon cancer in patients was 95 percent as accurate as a colonoscopy. Said the dog, ‘What can I say, I love what I do.’”

MEYERS – “A woman in Georgia with 24-inch long fingernails said hat she grew them that long in hopes of meeting Oprah Winfrey, who will no doubt jump at the chance to meet a lunatic with crazy weapon hands.”

MEYERS – “According to a report, demand for breast implants in England grew by more than 10 percent last year with many women citing a desire to look like Christina Hendricks from “Mad Men.” I guess that’s fine but oh no, not the Queen!”

MEYERS – “A man in Germany has won a Mini Cooper by having the word “Mini” tattooed on his penis. Of course, if you’re driving a Mini Cooper, no one is ever going to see that tattoo. And if you’re wondering, I am enjoying my free Chevrolet Suburban.”

MEYERS – “This Thursday was the Chinese New Year and marked the start of the Year of the Rabbit. This according to a recent placemat.”

MEYERS – “Tuesday was the 34th annual Empire State Building Run-Up, where participants raced up the building’s stairs to the 86th floor. It’s a great event if you love running marathons, but always wished someone’s ass was in your face.”

Winners Loser-Egypt

MEYERS – “Egypt has dominated the news this week and with a story that big there are bound to be winners and losers. Let’s take a look at the scoreboard.

First up, Winner: Anderson Cooper. You might think he’d be a loser after getting attacked by angry mobs twice in a week, but he’s a winner because he still looks like this. You cannot punch the handsome off Anderson Cooper.

Losers: Pundits who say, “The Mubarak regime is bad but the alternative may worse.” That’s like you’re buddy saying, “your girlfriend is ugly, but I don’t think you could do any better.”

Loser: Tunisia. Talk about getting overshadowed. For three days, the Tunisian revolution was the big story of the Middle East and now they’re the Soundgarden to Egypt’s Nirvana. “We’re from Seattle too.” “That’s great.”

Loser: Muslim Brotherhood. I don’t know if you’re bad guys or not, but you’re name isn’t helping. “Brotherhood” makes everything sound scarier. For example, bunny rabbits, adorable. “Bunny Brotherhood,” what are they planning?

Loser: Hosni Mubarak.

Winner: Hosni Mubarak’s face. This guy is 82 and he looks fantastic. Just goes to show you – Egyptians are great at preserving things.”

QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” August 9 – August 13

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! How are you guys feeling tonight? Let’s get to the news. In a new interview, Snooki said that her arrest last month embarrassed her family. Her family followed up with a statement of their own saying, “Oh no, we were already embarrassed.”

“Some more celebrity news. Simon Cowell was spotted on vacation this weekend not wearing a shirt. It was actually kind of a scary moment, when Simon turned sideways and one of his nipples took out a family of five.”

“Check this out. A new study found that Americans are becoming more honest about what they weigh. I guess people are starting to figure out that we can see them.”

“Here’s some gossip for you. Levi Johnston was at the Teen Choice Awards last night. I’m not sure what he was doing there. Choosing teens, I guess.”

“Listen to this. A company in California is selling cannabis cupcakes to anyone with a medical marijuana card. Fortunately to get a medical marijuana card in California, you have to go through a rigorous background check where they ask you all sorts of questions, like, “do you want a medical marijuana card?”

“Speaking of marijuana, a 14-year-old boy in California just started a wildfire while he was trying to smoke pot in a field. If this kid ever does try pot again, it’s definitely going to make him paranoid.”

“Did you hear about this? This is exciting news. There’s a new Pop-Tarts café opening tomorrow in Times Square. Finally, a way to enjoy pop-tarts without the hassle of making them myself.”

“The Statue of Liberty is closing for nine months next year to install a second staircase. But between you and me, I heard boob job.”

“The Iowa State Fair is selling GPS tracking devices so that parents can find their children if they get separated. That should be helpful. “Honey, where’d Gary go?” “Uh, lets look here. Okay, according to this, he’s at the Iowa State Fair.”

“And finally, a man in California was arrested for smuggling piranhas into the country. And you thought it was scary hiding heroin in your rectum.”

“That’s right, a growing number of Democrats want President Obama to replace Joe Biden with Hillary Clinton as a running mate in 2012. And by a growing number of Democrats, I mean President Obama and Hillary Clinton.”

“Did you guys hear about that JetBlue flight attendant yesterday? That was pretty awesome, right? I kinda love that dude. Some passenger cursed at him, I guess. He flipped out, he grabbed two beers and he opened the emergency chute and just slid out and said, “Just screw all this.” I’m not sure what the big deal is, though cause that’s how I leave here everyday.”

“Before the JetBlue flight attendant jumped down the emergency chute, he said, “There goes 28 years.” I guess it’s not too surprising that someone would snap after 28 years of explaining how to use a seatbelt.”

“This is kinda cool. Supermodel Kate Moss is rumored to be launching her own line of homemade jams. That’s right – the jars will come in two styles: “lowfat” and “empty.”

“Listen to this. Levi Johnston is going to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska in a new reality show. The show is called “Who Wants to be Mayor of Wasilla? Seriously, Anybody? We Just Need Someone With a Pulse.” That’s the show’s title. Long title.”

“Check this out. Scientists in Britain just unveiled the world’s first robot with emotions. That’s what we need, isn’t it? A Roomba that’s too bummed out to vacuum. It’s like, “No one appreciates what I do.”

“Hey, you guys…we have celebrity blogger Perez Hilton on the show tonight! I’m so excited – I can’t wait to hear what I’ve been up to.”

“You guys, there’s a new dating website for virgins called “You And Me Are Pure.com.” I believe it should be “you and I are pure.” No wonder why you guys can’t get laid.”

“Here’s some celebrity news. Justin Bieber has signed on to be the new spokesperson for the acne brand Proactiv. So I guess we finally know what’s behind those bangs.”

“And finally, a man in West Virginia was arrested at a park with his pants down, holding an armless mannequin. The guy told a cop “This isn’t what it looks like!” and the cop was like “Dude, I have NO IDEA what this looks like.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Let’s get right to the news! Everyone’s still talking about the Jet Blue guy. Here’s the latest: Flight attendant Steven Slater has been suspended after his meltdown where he cursed out passengers and jumped out of a plane. Which raises an interesting question: what the hell do you have to do to get fired by JetBlue?”

“Listen to this. Steven Slater already has more than 100 thousand fans on Facebook. My advice to those fans, whatever you do, don’t poke him. Cuz he will go off! He will freak out on you”

“Did you guys hear that Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Well, the current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like “Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.”

“Check this out. In a new interview, Snooki said that she wants to become a mom. I can not wait until Snooki’s pregnant. She’ll be like “Oh my god, I can feel him fist-pumping!”

“This is big, you guys…Jennifer Lopez has reportedly been dropped as a potential “American Idol” judge because her demands were getting unreasonable. Apparently, she was asking for the impossible: viewers.”

“This is crazy. A Krispy Kreme employee in North Carolina accidentally gave a customer five thousand dollars inside a donut box. Yeah, when the customer opened the box, he was like, “Where are my donuts?! I need my donuts!”

“A farmer in Idaho unknowingly watered and fertilized more than 300 marijuana plants. Yeah, he had no clue…although he should have realized something was up when his alarm went off and his rooster was like “Bro, I’m trying to sleep over here!”
“And finally, Tiger Woods’ column in Golf Digest is back, nine months after it was discontinued because of his sex scandal. It’ll be the same as it was before the scandal – except now, it’ll start with the words “Dear Penthouse.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Let’s get right to the news! Man , everybody is still talking about that Jet Blue flight attendant guy. He flipped out, he grabbed a couple of beers and then jumped out on the emergency chute. Well, Jet Blue announced that passengers who were on that flight are getting a 100-dollar voucher for “inconvenience” over the outburst. I don’t get that at all. “Here’s a hundred bucks. Sorry you had to see THE GREATEST THING EVER!”

“And this is big, you guys. United and Continental airlines officially announced their merger this week, and their new motto will be, “Let’s Fly Together.” Meanwhile, JetBlue announced its new motto: “JetBlue: At least you know the slides work.”

“Here’s some tech news. Facebook is said to be working on a “check-in” feature that will let your friends know your location. Though I think everyone knows that if you’re on Facebook, you’re at work.”

“Hey, Happy 47th birthday to rapper Sir Mix-a-Lot! I still haven’t gotten him a present – anyone know what he likes?”

“Check this out. A blind cat from San Francisco was just found three-thousand miles away from home, here in New York. Yeah, either it’s a cute story, or some awesome jazz folklore. “Hey man, you hear about that blind cat from Frisco? Made it all the way to the Big Apple with no scratch, groovin’ the whole way – you dig?”

“Hey you guys, in just two weeks, I’m going to be hosting the Emmy Awards. And you know what that means! I’m not nominated.”

“This isn’t good. A road crew in North Carolina had to repaint a school zone sign after accidentally switching the “c” and “h” in “school.” Yeah, it was a pretty mind-blowing day for the potheads at that school. They were like “Dude, am I seeing this right? ‘Shhh…cool zone. I can’t believe we’re in the cool zone. Amazing!’”

I don’t know if you heard this. Thunderstorms knocked out electricity for 100 thousand people in Washington, D.C. today. When he heard it was just a thunderstorm, Obama was like “Oh, thank God – I thought China finally shut off our power”

“And finally, a 10-year-old girl who wowed the judges this week on “America’s Got Talent” is being called “the next Susan Boyle.” Yeah, kids can be so cruel, can’t they?”
“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Let’s get right to the news! Did you hear about this? Joe Biden’s plane, Air Force Two, knocked over a small plane this week as it was preparing for takeoff. Nobody was hurt, but they were a bit shaken when Biden told them all to suck it, grabbed two beers, and escaped down the emergency chute.”

“Check this out. Al-Jazeera’s English-speaking channel has been nominated for an International Emmy. On the red carpet, Joan Rivers will be like, “Who are you wearing? And why is it ticking?”

“Have you guys heard about this new dating site for virgins called You And Me Are Pure.com? Finally, an alternative to the only other online community for virgins: World of Warcraft.”

“This is kinda cool. The town of Cridersville, Ohio will be renamed Snidersville for a day in honor of Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider. Yeah, Cridersville to Snidersville. So what do you think, Allentown, Pennsylvania. Or should I say Fallontown, Pennsylvania?”

“I don’t even know what to make of this. A man in Norway woke up with his head in a polar bear’s mouth last week during a camping trip in the Arctic. Can you imagine? His friend was like “dude, don’t move, you have something on your face.” “What is it? A mosquito?” “No, it’s a polar bear.”

“This is pretty weird. Andrew Lloyd Webber’s songs will soon be available in a karaoke game for the Xbox 360. So if you love the music of Andrew Lloyd Webber AND you play Xbox…who ARE you?”

“A 53-year-old man in Louisiana known as the “Granddad Bandit” was arrested for robbing 25 banks. Wait, he’s only 53 and he’s the “Granddad Bandit?” That sounds more like the “Midlife Crisis Bandit” or the “Ask Your Doctor About Cialis Bandit.” “And finally, a new survey found that 48 percent of Americans are willing to try a nude beach on vacation. And if I had to guess, I’d say it’s probably the WRONG 48 percent.”

QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” July 19 – July 23

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Let’s get right to the news. More problems with the oil spill. Apparently now there’s some seeping around the well. BP executive Doug Suttles said that his company was “not seeing any problems” with the containment cap. Yeah, it’s probably hard to see anything with all that OIL in the way.”

“This is pretty cool. Stars from some of the biggest Broadway musicals performed at the White House tonight. But it was Obama who stole the show with his rendition of “Promises, Promises …Promises…Promises…and more promises.”

“That’s right, the Obamas invited Broadway stars to perform at the White House. Unfortunately, things got a little awkward when Barack told one lady how great she was in “Wicked,” then realized it was just Pelosi. That’s awkward. Makes for a long night.”

“I don’t even know what to make of this. Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, “That’s fine, I wasn’t planning on aiming that high anyway.”

“This is exciting. Malia Obama is about to go to summer camp for the first time. And you can tell that Michelle picked out the camp. Whenever they make S’mores, they just melt zucchini in between two Wheat Thins.”

“Can you imagine that? You’re a ten-year-old boy trying to sneak over to the girl’s camp and you get taken down by Navy SEALS.”

“Speaking of camp, I just read about a summer camp in South Korea where parents send their kids to learn discipline. The camp is called North Korea.”

“Listen to this. Chicago’s Museum of Science and Industry is paying a person 10 thousand dollars to live there for 30 days. The museum calls it a study in human behavior, while Jon Gosselin calls it “the break I’ve been waiting for.”

“Hey, congratulations to South African golfer Louis Oost-hazen who won the British Open yesterday by seven strokes! Afterwards, Oost-hazen was like, “I’m a little surprised. I mean, I’ve never even heard of me.”

“Check this out. A new study found that women are at their most beautiful when they are 31. Doesn’t really tell us much, except how old the researcher’s wife is. “You’re the most beautiful right now, honey. I have scientific research to prove it!”

“That’s right, new research found that women are at their most beautiful when they are 31. Roman Polanski was like, “I think you have that backwards.”

“This is pretty crazy. An Amish man was arrested this weekend for leading police on a mile-long chase with his horse-and-buggy. Yeah, his name is Old Jebediah, but his friends just call him O.J.”

“Hey, you guys… Facebook is expected to reach 500 million users sometime this week. Which, of course, is great news for America’s fake farming industry.”

“Did you hear this? It’s rumored that Mel Gibson may permanently move to Australia. Which, of course, raises the question – when you flush a career down the toilet there, does it go in the opposite direction?”

“And finally, there’s a new company in Switzerland that will send a bike messenger to your house with condoms whenever you need some. Call me crazy, but I’m not sure you should trust a condom from the country that brought us Swiss cheese.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Let’s get right to the news! Yesterday, President Obama thanked the WNBA champions the Phoenix Mercury for showing his daughters that they can be athletic and still be attractive. And then Michelle Obama said, “AHEM!”

“At a campaign event yesterday, Joe Biden called Nancy Pelosi “the mother of health care.” And I guess Pelosi’s tackling other problems too, cuz Biden also called her “the MILF of the oil spilf.”

“Did you hear this? Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer, Robert Shapiro – who was famous for representing O.J. Simpson – he quit just a few hours before she went to jail. That’s gotta sting when your lawyer goes, “I can’t handle you anymore – why can’t you be more like O.J. Simpson?”

“This is an amazing story, a black couple in Britain just had a white baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. The father called the baby “simply unexplainable” while the mother called the father “unbelievably gullible.”

“This kind of thing is actually more common than you’d think…according to the couple’s white friend.”

“I just read about this. A school in Massachusetts is facing criticism for sending kids home with “fat report cards” that alert their parents to obesity issues. That’s gotta be confusing. “Well Gary, the good news is you got an A; the bad news is, it’s between an F and a T.”

“Hey, you guys…JWoww from “Jersey Shore” is in the August issue of Maxim wearing a bikini. The only other way you can see her in a bikini is if you have a TV or eyeballs.”

“This is kinda weird. A lot of city governments across the country are renting police officers to save money. That doesn’t sound like a city government; that sounds like a bachelorette party. “You girls are under arrest…for being hot!”

“I can’t believe this. The police were called in Texas yesterday when a low-flying plane dropped duffel bags with marijuana on several houses. Wait, when someone drops a bag of weed on your house, you don’t call the cops – you call Papa John’s.”

“That’s right, duffel bags full of marijuana were dropped on houses by a plane. That must’ve been weird for anyone who was already high. “Dude, I may be stoned right now, but I’m pretty sure God just totally hooked us up.”

“Nintendo Wii is going to release a “Glee” version of Karaoke Revolution that will let you interact with music and characters from the show. It also has a feature where, if one of your friends walks into the room, it turns into Call of Duty.”

“I also heard that the F. Scott Fitzgerald novel “The Great Gatsby” is being turned into a video game. Yeah, you can tell the video game is about “The Great Gatsby,” because no one will ever really play it, but still claim it’s one of their favorites on Facebook.”

“Speaking of Facebook, there’s a new computer program that can delete all mentions of your ex from your Facebook page. Yeah, the program is called, “your new girlfriend.” “You’re not talking to her! You are not friends with her!”
“And finally, I don’t even know what to make of this. A man in Iowa was arrested and taken to jail after he punched another man who refused to hug him. Confusing. On the bright side: once he got to jail, he got MORE than his share of hugs.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Let’s get right to the news. The big comic book convention, Comic-Con starts tomorrow in San Diego. This is a week-long convention of comic books, science fiction, video games, and other forms of birth control.”

“British Prime Minister David Cameron is visiting the U.S. and yesterday he and President Obama gave each other pieces of art. That really wasn’t necessary, Britain. You’ve already given us a HUGE oil painting.”

“Yeah, they’re still trying fix this whole oil mess, but yesterday BP vice president Kent Wells said that “Everything’s looking good.” Yeah then someone turned him around and he was like “Holy crap! Look at all this oil! You’ve got to be kidding me!”

“I read about this. The FAA is ordering airlines to inspect more than 100 Boeing planes for cracks that could cause engines to fall off. Yeah, that’s what you want to hear right before your flight. “Ladies and gentlemen this is your Captain speaking. It’s gonna be a few minutes here, as we check to make sure the engine won’t FALL OFF.” “We’re worried one of the engines may fall off so we’ll be a couple minutes.”

“This is pretty crazy. A man in Colorado designed a car where passengers sit on two toilet seats. It’s great. When a cop pulls you over, and knocks on your window, you can just yell, “Someone’s in here!”

“Check this out. The Dr. Seuss book “Green Eggs and Ham” is now available as an iPhone app. Yeah, they hope this will take your mind off the fact you cannot, will not make a call – you cannot, will not in the mall. You cannot, will not buy an app…you cannot, should not buy this piece of…and it ends there.”

“Happy birthday to actor Robin Williams, who turned 59 today. We love Robin Williams. Very funny guy. He celebrated by doing a twenty-minute routine about his cake. “Look at those flames, it’s like a bunch of bunch of people trying to get Frankenstein out of the frosting – yes – I feel like Jay-Z, I got 59 candles but a wick ain’t one – yes – that’s a lot of fire, even the head of BP’s going “stop wasting fuel!” –“Yeah, just blow out the candles.”

“And finally, Sports Illustrated just reported that Tiger Woods made 90 million dollars over the last year. Or as Elin Nordegren calls it, $45 million dollars.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Let’s get right to the news! President Obama and his family are going on vacation in the Gulf Coast next month. Of course, the Gulf Coast is a lovely place to sit back and relax – just ask BP.”

“Here’s some business news. Starbucks’ profits went up 37 percent in the third quarter of this year. They say they owe the increase to their new strategy of opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks.”

“I just read about this. There’s a new application on your phone that lets you connect to a car dealership and buy a car from your iPhone. And you thought it was bad when you accidentally butt-dialed your ex girlfriend. Crap! I just bought a BMW!”

“An iPhone app to buy a car. That seems like a great idea during the day, and a terrible idea at 3am when you’re wasted. “Hell yeah I want a yellow Altima with racing stripes!”

“Did you see this? Yesterday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the economy is “unusually uncertain.” “Unusually Uncertain?” That doesn’t sound like an economic update – that sounds like a Hugh Grant movie that your girlfriend would drag you to. “She’s a girl working at a flower shop…and He’s one of her customers…but this March…it’s love that will blossom…leaving them both…Unusually Uncertain.”

“Tim Gunn from “Project Runway” sat next to Michelle Obama during a luncheon at the White House yesterday. It was going pretty well until he looked at Michelle’s dress and said, “this worries me.”

“Check this out. Parents in Georgia want a middle school to ban tee ball after a 14-year-old boy hurt his shoulder in gym class. In a statement, the parents said, “School should be a place where kids can learn and safely grow up into wussies.”

“That’s right, parents want a middle school to ban tee ball cuz a 14-year-old boy hurt his shoulder. I don’t know what makes you more of a nerd…wanting to ban t-ball, or still playing t-ball when you’re FOURTEEN.”

“Get this. Yesterday in France, there were no injuries when a passenger train hit a truck full of shampoo. However, some of the passengers are believed to be in critical conditioner.”
“And finally, two more massage therapists are coming forward and accusing Al Gore of sexual misconduct. One woman said that Gore stood naked in front of her, pointed south, and said “take care of this.” Even Bill Clinton was like “the student has surpassed the master.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon everybody. Let’s get right to the news. I don’t even know what to make of this. There’s a report that Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin are taking their families camping together in Alaska. And it must be true, because Sarah Palin hasn’t refudiated it yet.”

“The Gosselin kids are gonna love camping—sleeping outdoors, heating up canned beans…it’ll be just like visiting their dad.”

“That’s right, Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin are taking their families camping together. That shouldn’t be too confusing. “Bristol, Piper, these are the twins. Track, Jacket, the sextuplets. Alexis, Colin, Leah, this is Tissue, Tissue, this is Gortex. Gortex, this is the cute kid with the glasses. Have you met him? Track, watch it! Jacket, get over here… Track! Tissue, go over and apologize to Gortex.”

“Check this out. A woman from Washington is suing American Airlines for 5 million dollars after they lost her luggage. Yeah, when the airline said that’s a ridiculous amount of money for luggage, she was like “now you know how WE feel.”

“I just heard about this. Justin Bieber will make his acting debut on the season premiere of “CSI.” Yeah, the CSI team will follow a series of complicated clues and finally find out what Bieber’s forehead looks like.”

“A man dressed as Darth Vader robbed a bank in Long Island this week. Today, the bank’s manager issued a statement, saying, “Catch him, we must.”

“Listen to this. A new survey found that more parents are teaching their babies sign language before they learn how to talk. Yeah, babies’ favorite word in sign language? Whatever putting your whole hand in your mouth means.”

“Did you hear about this? Apple says that it’s delaying the release of the white iPhone 4 because they’re more difficult to manufacture than expected. Really? You made a phone that lets you surf the Internet, compose music, and video chat with your friend in Argentina, but you can’t quite figure out how to change the color? Have you tried PAINT? ‘Cause paint usually works.”

“A Burger King employee in Long Island was arrested for selling crack in the restaurant’s parking lot. Yeah, most people turned him down though – they were like “No thanks, that stuff’ll kill you. Can I get a double whopper with cheese and bacon, two onion rings and a milkshake? And have it my way, so put the onion rings IN the milkshake, thanks. That is dangerous.”

QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” June 7 – June 11

“Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody. Let’s get right to the news. Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo Central High School’s graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they can be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that would be great.”

“And I don’t know if you heard this. BP’s CEO Tony Hayward said yesterday that he will not step down over the Gulf Coast oil spill. Yeah, he said, “I mean it’s not like I let one of the biggest ecological disasters in history happen….oh I did? Oh I did? Oh…well, at least my first attempt at cleaning it up worked…what’s that, it didn’t? Huh, well at least the SECOND attempt fixed everything…No?…Huh. I should stop talking?”

“Even though he’s not stepping down, Tony Hayward IS handing over responsibility for the clean-up to an American named Bob Dudley. Well, there’s a name that gives me confidence. Bob Dudley. Sounds like a sitcom character who’s always messing everything up. “That is the LAST time I leave Bob Dudley in charge of the restaurant!”

“Hey, it was just announced that President Obama is going to visit India this November, in response to Prime Minister Singh’s invitation. Though mostly he’s going over there to visit our jobs.”

“This week, Vice President Joe Biden is on the first leg of his African tour, which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya and South Africa. The second leg of the tour will be when he goes back to all the countries to apologize for everything he said during the first leg. “How does somebody walk like an Egyptian?”

“This is big news. Veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas has just resigned after she said Israelis should “get the hell out of Palestine.” Yeah, Thomas hasn’t been in this much trouble since she told President Lincoln to stop whining and put a Band-Aid on it.”

“Hey, congratulations to Rush Limbaugh, who got married for the fourth time on Saturday. It was so romantic. First the couple wrote their own vows, then they wrote their own prescriptions. It was just really sweet.”

“Check this out. this weekend a musician in Australia performed a 20-minute concert for dogs. Or as they call that in China, “dinner theater.”

“This is pretty cool. Researchers in North Korea say they’ve developed a “super drink” that can multiply brain cells and stop skin from aging. Yeah, and not to be outdone, researchers in the U.S. have developed a beer that kind of tastes like lime.”

“Hey, Lady Gaga came back home to New York this weekend after ending her European tour. She was very happy to finally arrive – but not nearly as happy as the people in line behind her at airport security. It’s like “…maybe it’s my cone bra made out of hub caps, hold on let me just take this… “Yeah, it’s probably my refrigerator hat…hold on…”

“Police in Hawaii are looking for the person who stole Kanye West’s Porsche and crashed it into a mansion. One suspect was like, “Look, I didn’t steal it. I just sampled it, remixed it, and released it as a single.”

“This is kind of embarrassing. The new 4th generation iPhone was announced today, and Steve Jobs had trouble demonstrating how to use it because the WiFi networks weren’t working. So just to stall for time, he just demonstrated his Blackberry.

“Kate Gosselin is back on TV, with her new TLC show, “Kate Plus 8.” Meanwhile, Jon Gosselin has been pitching his new show “Jon Minus Everything.”

“Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Please sit down. Tonight the Obamas invited members of Congress to a picnic at the White House. Yeah they played all the classic picnic games: wiffle ball, capture the flag, and their favorite game: ignore the oil spill.”

“The Obamas’ picnic featured foods from all over the four corners of the U.S. The Pacific Northwest provided the wild salmon and strawberries, and the southern Gulf Coast provided 400 million gallons of salad dressing.”

“Yeah, the picnic was going great until people started tossing horseshoes at Nancy Pelosi. Very skinny lady.”

“Today marked the 50th day of the BP oil spill. Yeah, the oil spill is getting so old, its tar balls are starting to sag.”

“Did you see this? On the “Today” show this morning, President Obama said that he talks to oil experts so that he knows “whose ass to kick.” As opposed to the last president, who talked to oil experts so that he knew whose ass to kiss.”

“Obama said he talks to oil experts so that he knows whose ass to kick. Is it me or would Obama be the least scary bully of all time? “Uhhh…gimme your lunch money, or I swear to God, I will consult a group of experts for advice on the best way to proceed next. I may give you a swirlie. Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.”

“This is crazy. A veterinarian in Britain had to be rescued after she sedated a horse and it fell asleep on top of her. The weirdest part was when the horse woke up and said “We didn’t…you and me…last night…did we?” And the horse said that.”

“Listen to this. After campaigning with Bill Clinton last week, Joe Biden went to Egypt yesterday, on the first leg of his African tour. Bill told him, “Don’t worry about the first and second legs. It’s the third leg that gets you in trouble.”

“A surgeon in Florida was fined 5,000 dollars for removing the kidney of a patient instead of the gallbladder. The surgeon was like “I am so sorry for the mistake, and I mean that from the bottom of the red pumpy thingy in my chest.”

“I just read about a sleeping disorder called “sexomnia” where people have sex while they sleep. Yeah it’s usually men who initiate sex while they’re asleep, as opposed to women, who initiate sleep while they’re having sex.”

“And finally, some big Broadway news, a revival of “Annie” is in the works for 2012. That’s right – it’s just like the original, until the end when she’s adopted by Brad and Angelina.”

“Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody. Hey, did you guys hear about this? A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden’s House. Yeah, meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis.”

“Here’s a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they’re catching it with ducks.”

“BP expects to capture quote “virtually all” of the leaking oil by early next week. But if not “virtually all” of the oil then definitely “nearly most” of it. Or at least “almost some,” but probably closer to “next to none” of it.”

“There was a major screw-up at Delta Airlines yesterday. Did you guys hear about this? They switched up the tickets for two children and accidentally sent a kid from Cleveland to Boston and a kid from Boston to Cleveland. The parents were very upset. But the Celtics were like, “Ummmm, can you do that with LeBron James? That would be awesome”

“It’s actually a big, big week in sports: we’ve got the NBA Finals, the Stanley Cup Finals, and the start of the World Cup. That’s right, yeah basketball, hockey, and soccer. Or as Americans call that: “basketball.”

“Some big celebrity news. Yesterday, Heidi Montag filed for legal separation from her husband, Spencer Pratt. Yeah, Heidi said it was time for them to both start seeing other idiots.”

That’s right, Heidi and Spencer are breaking up. I don’t know where Spencer’s gonna go, but all I have to say is… “Please move in with Jon Gosselin. Please move in with Jon Gosselin. If God is real, you’re gonna move in with Jon Gosselin.”

“Speaking of Jon Gosselin, there’s a new video online that shows Jon getting stoned and eating Pringles last summer. Oddly enough, “once you pop, you can’t stop” was also Kate’s slogan.”

“This is a crazy a story, a woman in Texas gave birth this week in a pickup truck after her husband was pulled over for speeding. Of course, in Texas, that’s called a home birth.”
And finally, this week a man was arrested after he stowed away in the wheel well of a flight from Vienna to London. Officials are calling his hiding place “incredibly dangerous,” while Southwest Airlines is calling it “business class.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I am Jimmy Fallon and I am welcoming you. Let’s get right to the news. You guys heard about Al Gore and Tipper splitting up? Everyone’s talking about it, everyone has been blogging about this… and now there are reports online that Gore’s daughter and her husband are splitting up. Yeah, I bet this is the one week when Al Gore wishes he DIDN’T invent the Internet.”

“Here’s some good economic news. Yesterday, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said, “The economy appears to be on track to continue to expand through this year and next.” Then he said, “and you can take that to one of the remaining banks!”

“This afternoon, President Obama met with Bill Gates at the White House to discuss energy reform. It was very cool. Bill Gates offered to plug the Gulf Coast oil leak with 5 billion unsold Zunes. That’s a good idea.”

“Hey, the 2010 World Cup starts tomorrow in South Africa! Very excited! Yeah the first game is between South Africa and Mexico. Mexico really has a solid team this year, especially after they got all those great players from Arizona.”

“Here in New York, we’re six hours behind South Africa, which will make it hard to watch all the World Cup matches. But it WILL give you a great excuse to go to a pub at 8am. “Honey, I know its noon and I’m already wasted, but I can’t change how time works!”

“This is crazy. A man in Louisiana was arrested for using his prosthetic leg to smuggle cigarettes and muscle relaxers into a prison. Yeah, he said the hard part was getting the prosthetic leg into his rectum.”

“Hey did you guys see this, Snooki and The Situation were at the CMT Music Awards last night. Yeah, and to prepare for the event, they went out and got spray-on farmers’ tans. “Just do it up to here, stop here. Do it to here, stop right here. And a lot back here. That’d be great.”

“I also heard that in a new interview, Snooki and The Situation said that they are STD free. Which was a weird response cuz the question was, “How you guys doing today?”

“Also, listen to this, Senator John McCain actually tweeted to Snooki after she complained about the tanning-bed tax in the new health care law. But, unfortunately, Snooki never got the message because McCain tweeted it off his electric razor. “Where’s the “send” button? It’s sending.”

“Check this out everybody. A new report found that 20 percent of people over 45 had to dip into their retirement savings last year. And the other 80 percent said, “retirement savings?”
“And finally, fourteen patients broke out of an Internet addiction clinic in China last week. You know how they did it? Control/Alt/Escape.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Let’s get right to the news. South Africa played Mexico in the opening match of the World Cup today! There wasn’t a goal for almost an hour, and it ended in a one-one tie. Everyone was going nuts in the office. “You see that game?! Nothing happened and then NOBODY won! It was awesome!”

“Yeah, the game went on and on and ended up with no resolution. I guess that explains the game’s sponsor, BP.”

“And this is cool. Vice President Joe Biden is actually in South Africa for the World Cup. Biden’s looking forward to all the matches – or as he calls them, “foosball reenactments.”

“I heard that the Brazilian referees for tomorrow’s U.S.-England game have been studying English swear words to make sure the players don’t curse. Cuz if there’s one thing that thousands of drunk, shirtless hooligans can’t stand, it’s naughty language.”

“That’s right, the U.S. will face England on Saturday, and the U.S. ambassador and the U.K. ambassador have made a friendly wager on the game. That’s right, if England wins, we have to buy their ambassador tea and crumpets, and if we win, they have to buy us a new ocean.”

“Speaking of the whole mess, President Obama may finally meet with BP CEO Tony Hayward next week. Obama plans to ask Hayward for an update on the spill, while Hayward plans to ask Obama for an update on the spill.”

“Have you guys heard this – there are rumors going around that Sarah Palin got breast implants. Yeah, Palin says it’s just her way of trying to support the droops. Just a rumor…”

“Listen to this. A man from Ohio rode a bicycle 800 miles to his 50th high school reunion in Massachusetts. I thought people went to those things to impress their old friends. “Hey, Lisa, remember how you wouldn’t go to the prom with me? Well, now I have a bicycle!”

“And finally, a man in Florida had to be rescued after a mounted water buffalo head fell off a wall and trapped him in a chair. The man is calling it “a frightening near-death experience,” while water buffaloes are calling it “effing hilarious.”