‘LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON’ LISTINGS (February 22-29, 2013)

Friday, February 22: Guests include First Lady Michelle Obama, Scarlett Johansson and musical guest The Avett Brothers. Show 0789

 

Monday, February 25: Guests include Alan Cumming, Michael Phelps, Kate Upton and musical guest Unknown Mortal Orchestra. Show 0790

 

Tuesday, February 26: Guests include Donald Trump, Rebecca Hall, Jon Glaser and musical guest Tyler the Creator. Show 0791

 

Wednesday, February 27: Guests include Christian Slater, Mia Wasikowska and musical guest Jason Aldean. Show 0792

 

**Thursday, February 28: Guests include Tina Fey, Bill Nighy and musical guest Bob Mould. Show 0793

 

**Friday, February 29: Guests include Mariah Carey. Show 0794

 

These listings are subject to change

 

**denotes changes or additions

‘LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON’ LISTINGS (February 11-19, 2013)

Monday, February 11: Guests include John Goodman, Carmelo Anthony and musical guest Gary Allan. Show 0780

 

Tuesday, February 12: Guests include Josh Duhamel, Craig Robinson and Christina Tosi. Boyd Tinsley sits in with The Roots. Show 0781

 

Wednesday, February 13: Guests include Sarah Jessica Parker, Steve Harvey, Jeff Musial and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. Show 0782

 

Thursday, February 14: Guests include Bruce Willis, Molly Shannon and musical guest Trinidad James. Show 0783

 

Friday, February 15: Guests include Joan Rivers, Josh Charles and musical guest Gloriana. Show 0784

 

**Monday, February 18: Guests include Jesse Eisenberg, Alison Brie and musical guest Tame Impala. Show 0785

 

**Tuesday, February 19: Guests include David Spade, Michael Emerson and musical guest Atlas Genius. Show 0786

 

These listings are subject to change

 

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” FEBRUARY 4 – FEBRUARY 8, 2013

Welcome to Late Night With Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about. Of course the Super Bowl was last night and it was one of the highest rated Super Bowls ever, with 108 million people watching. Plus I read that this year’s game added 430 million dollars to the New Orleans economy. None of which was apparently used to pay the electric bill.

Oh man, this was pretty big deal. Last night the lights in the Superdome went out for 33 minutes at the beginning of the third quarter. Yeah, the 49ers were just standing around on the field, not knowing what to do – and then the blackout happened.

Yeah, the lights went out in the third quarter. Which is weird cuz normally, I don’t experience a blackout til after a Super Bowl party.

I heard that Budweiser’s ad starring a Clydesdale was the most popular Super Bowl commercial last night, while another popular commercial was the ad for Taco Bell. So either way, it was a big night for horses.

Actually, viewers thought the worst commercial of the Super Bowl was the GoDaddy ad where supermodel Bar Rafaeli made out with a nerd. Or as the nerd put it, “Yeah, so what?”

This isn’t good. RadioShack is planning to close more than 500 stores by the end of the year. While its remaining stores will just continue to look like they’re closed.

Did you see this? On Saturday, Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow. And you know what that means – nothing, because that’s not how weather works.

Check this out. A new survey found that 17 percent of men in the Marines would leave if women moved into combat positions. The other 83 percent of Marines said, “Wait – we can just LEAVE???” (That’s an option?)

Get this. A new study found that having sex should not take the place of actual exercise. Especially at the gym.

And finally, today, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he wants to be the first person that his country sends into space. So finally, Iran and the U.S. agree on something.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about. The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not only that – it’s also warning South Korea that it will face serious consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios.

Here’s some political news. Mitt Romney’s son, Tagg, is denying reports that he’ll run for Senate this year, saying the timing isn’t right. You know, just like when his dad tries to clap along to a song.

Here’s some international news. Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I’ve heard you won’t be able to see the SEALs until it’s too late.

And finally, to prevent a monopoly, the Department of Justice is trying to block Anheuser-Busch from buying Corona. So they did what everyone else does—got their older brother to buy it for them.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about. Today, the Postal Service announced that it will stop delivering mail on Saturdays in an effort to save two billion dollars a year. Postal workers were shocked -they were like, “We were supposed to deliver mail on Saturdays??”

Have you heard about this? PETA is criticizing Beyoncé for the leather costume she wore during the Super Bowl halftime show. Or as the ball that got thrown and kicked for three solid hours put it, “Yeah – that’s the leather you should be worried about.”

Yeah, PETA is mad at Beyoncé for her leather costume. But even cows were like, “Oh come on, she looked awesome!”

This isn’t good. It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday. It’s pretty serious – in fact, they say the hackers could’ve made off with as much as negative 14 trillion dollars. (There’s nothing in there!)

I read that CBS is hoping to avoid wardrobe malfunctions at the Grammys on Sunday by warning celebrities to wear appropriate clothes. And by telling Lady Gaga that the show is next Sunday.

Check this out. After thousands of people voted on Facebook, Monopoly is replacing its iron game piece with a cat. And if that surprises you, remember – these are the people who had enough free time to vote on a new Monopoly game piece.

Here’s a crazy story. This week, a construction worker in Boston survived a 30-foot fall after he landed in a pile of bubble wrap. It took a few hours to get him out, mainly because he was like, “Wait. One more.”

And finally, I heard that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un recently got a smart phone. And you can tell it’s a smart phone, cuz today, it left North Korea.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! It’s gonna be a fun show tonight! Here’s what people are talking about. The Northeast is bracing for a snow storm this weekend; but some forecasts say it will only be two inches, while other forecasts are predicting 30 inches. When asked why they couldn’t make a better prediction, meteorologists were like, “Uh, we’re meteorologists.”

Actually, they’re saying New York could receive up to twelve inches of snow this weekend. Or as Subway calls it: eleven inches.

I’m so excited. We have Joel McHale on the show tonight! And we also have Al Roker! Roker was gonna be the first guest, but I heard he likes going number two.

That’s right, Al Roker is here! It was weird though – backstage he asked me where the bathrooms are, and before I could finish, he was like, “Nevermind.”

Some political news. I heard that supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 Super PAC on her behalf called “Ready for Hillary.” And more cautious Democratic supporters have started another Super PAC called “Bracing for Biden.”

You guys, this weekend is the Chinese New Year, which will celebrate the Year of the Snake. Crazy that it’s ‘Snake’ already. I’m still writing ‘Dragon’ on all my checks.

Check this out. Last night, runners from around the world competed in the annual race to the top of the Empire State Building. But there’s already a scandal brewing – it turns out one of the competitors tested positive for elevator.

Here’s some local news. After passing a ban on large sugary sodas, Mayor Bloomberg is considering a ban on Styrofoam cups. Seriously? At this point I’m starting to think 7-11 slept with his girlfriend.

And finally, former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown is in talks to become a contributor on Fox News. First they have to check his background and test his knowledge of current events— and if he fails, he’ll start Monday.

Everyone’s talking about this big winter storm that could dump three feet of snow on the East Coast and knock out power to 24 million people. And to put things in perspective, that’s about six Beyonce half-time shows.

Yeah, this storm is really a big deal. In fact, I heard that the Weather Channel is expecting totals of 12 to 20 viewers.

Here’s some entertainment news. It was just announced that a third Night at the Museum movie is coming out. You can tell they’re running out of ideas, because it’s called, “Night at the Museum 3: Maybe Go To The Museum During The Day?”

Did you hear about this? Idaho Congressman Raul Labrador has fired his spokesman for tweeting quote “Me likey Broke Girls” from his official account during the Super Bowl. Man, this is the worst thing to happen to Raul Labrador since his parents named him Raul Labrador.

Get this. A man in Florida was arrested for drunk driving on a motorized shopping cart at a Wal-Mart. It wasn’t good – in fact, I heard he led cops on a chase that reached 90 aisles-per-hour.

And finally, Snoop Dogg, now known as Snoop Lion, just released the music video for his song, “Here Comes the King.” The video tells the story of a controversial king in a war-torn country. Eh just kidding, it’s about smoking weed.

‘LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON’ LISTINGS (February 8-15, 2013)

Friday, February 8: Guests include Jason Schwartzman, Keri Russell and musical guest Night Beds. Show 0779

 

Monday, February 11: Guests include John Goodman, Carmelo Anthony and musical guest Gary Allan. Show 0780

 

Tuesday, February 12: Guests include Josh Duhamel, Craig Robinson and Christina Tosi. Boyd Tinsley sits in with The Roots. Show 0781

 

Wednesday, February 13: Guests include Sarah Jessica Parker, Steve Harvey, Jeff Musial and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. Show 0782

 

Thursday, February 14: Guests include Bruce Willis, Molly Shannon and musical guest Trinidad James. Show 0783

 

Friday, February 15: Guests include Joan Rivers, Josh Charles and musical guest Gloriana. Show 0784

 

These listings are subject to change

 

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” JANUARY 28 – FEBRUARY 1, 2013

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about. Last night, President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on “60 Minutes” for their first joint interview. Though it was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit. (They both looked good.)

In the interview, President Obama poked fun at members of the press for speculating on the 2016 election, calling them “incorrigible.” Then Biden said, “They have to wear diapers?”

More political news. While speaking to fellow Republicans on Friday, Mitt Romney said that he’s not going away and he will continue to help the party. To which Republicans said, “You gotta pick one or the other.”

This isn’t good. There are reports that Chris Brown punched R&B singer Frank Ocean yesterday. You know what that means? They’ll probably be back together in nine months.

Get this. Last week, Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. Yeah, it was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he’d finally gotten out of Iran.

Hey, today is the 200th anniversary of the classic Jane Austen novel “Pride and Prejudice.” Fans of the novel celebrated the way they always do: reading about half-way through and then giving up.

Check this out. A man in Florida was arrested last week for stealing 166 manhole covers. Yeah, the guy’s now facing time in jail – where he’ll really wish he had one of those manhole covers.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about. “60 Minutes” anchor Steve Kroft is defending Sunday’s interview with President Obama and Hillary Clinton, saying that he didn’t have enough time to ask hard-hitting questions. Which would be easier to believe if the name of his show wasn’t the amount of time he had.

Speaking of Obama. The president just announced that same-sex couples will be included in his immigration reform bill. When they heard, same-sex couples were like, “You know we’re already citizens, right?”

Today was Media Day for Super Bowl 47, where both teams shared their predictions for Sunday’s game. Yeah, it was pretty crazy – one team thinks they’re gonna win – but the OTHER team, thinks they’re gonna win.

Speaking of the Super Bowl. 49ers wide receiver Randy Moss apparently told his teammates that they are in New Orleans on a business trip and they’re not there to have fun. Then he went back to his job: catching a ball for money.

This is interesting. I read that five percent of Americans will watch this year’s Super Bowl alone. Yeah, it’ll be weird when they see a player get called for holding and say, “Sounds nice.”

Everyone’s talking about the fact that Ravens coach John Harbaugh will face his brother, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, in the Super Bowl. Yeah, the Harbaughs revealed that they are only texting each other before the game and not talking on the phone. But get this – we’ve actually managed to get a hold of some of their texts. Check ‘em out:

First JIM texted, “How’s your team?”

Then JOHN texted back: “Good. How’s your nightlight?”

Then JIM was like: “Good. How’s your bedwetting?”

Then JOHN said: “Good. How’s your teddy bear you slept with til you were 12?”

And JIM was like: “Mr. Cuddles? I mean, what teddy bear? How’s the 60-year-old lunch lady you had a crush on?”

Then JOHN texted: “Selma? I mean, what lunch lady? Either way, she’s cooler than you.”

JIM texted back: “More like cooler than YOU.”

Finally, JOHN said: “That’s it, I’m calling mom.”

Listen to this. China is close to lifting its 13-year ban on selling video game consoles such as Xbox and PlayStation in the country. Chinese kids are super excited, but their parents were like, “No Xbox or PlayStation until you’re finished building those Xboxes and PlayStations.”

Get this. A nursing home in the UK is facing criticism for letting its residents hire prostitutes on a regular basis. It’s pretty crazy – in fact, I hear that for 50 bucks, the hookers will actually blow on your soup.

And finally, Justin Bieber is being investigated for accidentally hitting a security guard with a dart from a Nerf gun. If convicted, Bieber could face up to six months in time out.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about. Super Bowl 47 between the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens is this weekend. And the big news today is that Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis may have used a performance enhancing substance called deer antler extract. Which explains how Lewis has been preparing for Sunday’s game – staring into a set of headlights.

I read that the average Super Bowl party will actually have 17 people. Yep, 16 friends and that one guy who cornered you at work Friday afternoon and was like, “Hey man. Heard you’re having a party! How many alarms is this chili? Three alarms? Seems more like two to me. Just detected that third alarm – maybe even a fourth.” (What are the rules to football?)

Get this. A zoo in California announced that its monkey has randomly picked the 49ers to win the Super Bowl. And not surprisingly, its deer picked Ray Lewis and the Ravens.

Listen to this. Today, President Obama sat down for an interview with Telemundo to rally support for his immigration plan. He told the Telemundo network that implementing comprehensive immigration reform was his primary GOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLL!

And finally, an employee of the U.S. Postal Service is retiring after 44 years without using any of her sick days. Yeah, friends describe her as “dedicated”, while co-workers describe her as, “that lady who gave me the flu.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about. Former NFL quarterback Dan Marino has admitted to fathering a secret child back in 2005. I don’t know why people are surprised – the Dolphins never gave him good protection.

Check this out. To compete with the Super Bowl on Sunday, TNT is airing a marathon of “Law & Order.” I think its cool, cuz now viewers have two places to see Ray Lewis.

Actually, this weekend is not only the Super Bowl – it’s also Groundhog Day. Of course, this year’s a little different – if the groundhog sees his shadow, it means six more kids for Dan Marino.

This is interesting. Now that marijuana is legal in Washington State, officials are searching for an expert on pot rules and regulations. Of course, they’re doing it the way everyone does things with weed: asking if anyone knows a guy.

That’s right, Washington state is looking for a weed adviser. You’d think it would be easy to fill the job, but everyone keeps missing their interviews. “Oh, 2 PM! My bad.”

On Monday night, Oprah fired back at a person on Twitter who said she looked “old as hell.” Then Lance Armstrong was like, “Yeah, but I never called her fat.”

Speaking of Lance Armstrong. I heard that Lance has turned down a spot on the new season of “Dancing With the Stars.” Even weirder, Manti Te’o's girlfriend said yes.

And finally, this week, a bipartisan group of senators unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Yeah, a path to citizenship. Or as immigrants call that, “a tunnel.”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about. The Super Bowl is on Sunday, and both teams are already in New Orleans getting ready for the big game. And during their practice yesterday, the 49ers actually piped in fake crowd noise to simulate the loud conditions for Sunday’s game. Yeah fake crowd noise – or as Manti Te’o put it, “They sounded real to me!”

This is interesting. A new survey found that 27 percent of Americans think God plays a role in who wins the Super Bowl. Then Tim Tebow was like, “No. No, he doesn’t.”

I read that the most expensive seat at the Super Bowl is going for 53 thousand dollars. So if you want a front row seat to the Super Bowl, turn on your television.

Listen to this. The NFL is warning fans in New Orleans not to buy knock-off Super Bowl merchandise. Yeah, this year is particularly dangerous – cuz no one wants to end up wearing a t-shirt for the “San Francisco 69ers.” (Different sport altogether)

Here’s some news out of Washington. Today, President Obama honored more than 20 researchers for their contributions to science and technology. Unfortunately, it was overshadowed by the football game – or as those researchers put it, “Man, high school never ends, does it?”

More political news. The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it’s time to move on, while his mother says he’s still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him.

Hey, I want to wish a Happy Birthday to Shakira, who turns 36 this weekend! Well, she says she’s 34, but her hips told me she’s actually 36.

And finally, a new study found that millions of computers are vulnerable to hackers because many home wireless networks do not have passwords. I tried to read the study online – but my neighbor just set up a wireless password.

‘LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON’ LISTINGS (February 1-8, 2013)

Friday, February 1: Guests include Jason Bateman, Zosia Mamet and musical guest Andrea Bocelli. Show 0774

 

Monday, February 4: Guests include Russell Brand, Katharine McPhee and musical guest Jim James. Show 0775

 

Tuesday, February 5: Guests include Justin Bieber, Naomi Campbell and musical guest Local Natives. Jim James sits in with The Roots. Show 0776

 

Wednesday, February 6: Guests include Whoopi Goldberg, Tavi Gevinson, Tommy Mottola and Kurt Metzger. Show 0777

 

Thursday, February 7: Guests include Joel McHale, Al Roker and musical guest Matt Pond. Show 0778

 

**Friday, February 8: Guests include Jason Schwartzman, Keri Russell and musical guest Night Beds. Show 0779

 

These listings are subject to change

 

**denotes changes or additions

“LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” LISTINGS (February 1-8, 2013)

hursday, January 31: Guests include Channing Tatum, Megan Hilty and Tim Ferriss. Graham Parker sits in with The Roots. Show 0773

 

Friday, February 1: Guests include Jason Bateman, Zosia Mamet and musical guest Andrea Bocelli. Show 0774

 

Monday, February 4: Guests include Russell Brand, Katharine McPhee and musical guest Jim James. Show 0775

 

Tuesday, February 5: Guests include Justin Bieber, Naomi Campbell and musical guest Local Natives. Jim James sits in with The Roots. Show 0776

 

Wednesday, February 6: Guests include Whoopi Goldberg, Tavi Gevinson, Tommy Mottola and Kurt Metzger. Show 0777

 

Thursday, February 7: Guests include Joel McHale, Al Roker and musical guest Matt Pond. Show 0778

 

**Friday, February 8: Guests include Jason Schwartzman, Keri Russell and musical guest Night Beds. Show 0779

 

These listings are subject to change

 

**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” JANUARY 14 – JANUARY 18, 2012

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! We’ve got a great show. Here’s what people are talking about. Last night, “Les Miserables” won the Golden Globe for best musical or comedy. The musical part was Anne Hathaway singing, and I’m guessing the comedy part was Russell Crowe singing.

I was actually at the Golden Globes last night. I got to present an award with Jay Leno. Yeah, and you know, he was so nice – when we were done, he personally drove me to the airport and made sure I got on my plane.

Did you guys see this? Taylor Swift was photographed alone at the Golden Globes. So you know what that means: (WHISPER) she’s dating a ghost!

This is cool. Last night, “Brave” won the Golden Globe for best animated film. Although I thought it was a little weird that they gave the award for “Brave” to whoever was sitting next to Al Roker.

Everyone was talking about how cold it was on the Golden Globes red carpet, with temperatures in the low-50’s. In fact it was so cold, Ryan Seacrest had to get his hair defrosted.

There were also some big football games this weekend. Did you guys watch any of these games? Some great games. On Saturday, the Ravens beat the Broncos 38-35 after two overtimes. I’m not saying it went too long, but even Jodie Foster was like, “Jeez, wrap it up.”

Some political news. Let’s get political. I heard that President Obama’s inauguration will have its own iPhone app that includes a map to public restrooms. Or as Al Roker put it, “Download complete!” (Which is ALSO what he said after pooping his pants at the White House.)

Some music news. You guys like music? Black Sabbath is reuniting with Ozzy Osbourne for their first album together in 35 years. You can tell that they’re getting up there, cuz now all Ozzy can do is gum at a bat’s head for 30 seconds until it flies away.

Hey, I want to say congrats to 23-year-old Mallory Hagan from Brooklyn, New York, who won the Miss America Pageant on Saturday. You could tell she’s from Brooklyn, cuz instead of saying she wanted world peace, she was like, (BROOKLYN) “War? Fugheddaboutit!”

And finally, I read that Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don’t worry, they’ll still be free at the airport.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody! You guys, everybody is talking about Oprah’s interview with Lance Armstrong, where he finally admitted to doping. And get this – the interview supposedly lasted close to three hours. So it’s sort of like a regular interview, but you know…on steroids.

Here’s some political news. President Obama’s inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans. (“Wait a second…He said he wasn’t…”)

Speaking of Obama. I heard the president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to give every man, woman and child the chance to pay more taxes.

More news out of Washington. Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced that he will stay at the White House for President Obama’s second term. He said his mission is to make the U.S. number one in education, and won’t stop til our students are doing gooder.

Some movie news. MGM is coming out with a remake of the classic 1959 film “Ben-Hur.” Yeah, you can tell it’s a remake, cuz instead of being about a Jewish prince who is betrayed by his Roman friend, sent into slavery, and then seeks revenge – it’s just about sexy vampires.

Get this. On Sunday, an elderly man in Chicago accidentally crashed his car into an Apple Store. And not surprisingly, he didn’t look any more confused than all the other elderly people inside the Apple Store. (“Where are the apples? This is a Macintosh?”)

Did you see this? A week after calling A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend beautiful, last night ESPN commentator Brent Musburger referred to a female sideline reporter as “really smokin’.” Which explains why people are now referring to his career as “really over.”

I read that NASA just spent 18 million dollars to add an extra room to the International Space Station. It could have been cheaper but NASA’s wife demanded granite countertops.

And finally, a new survey found that 35 percent of Americans use the Internet to diagnose themselves instead of going to a doctor. While the rest go to the doctor and let him search for a diagnosis on the Internet.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I’m sorry if I seem a little distracted; I just confessed to Oprah that when I played T-ball in kindergarten, I was on Juicy-Juice.

Oprah’s big interview with Lance Armstrong is getting a lot of attention. It’s a pretty big deal, and Oprah said to get ready she prepared 112 questions. Yep, the first question was, “Did you use steroids?”, while the next 111 questions were, “Oh, c’mon – you used steroids, right??”

And now they’re saying Lance may be forced to return the endorsement money he received from the US Postal Service. Seriously? I’m pretty sure the only group that’s lied more than Lance Armstrong is the U.S. Postal Service. “Yeah, it’ll be there in 2-3 business days, don’t worry about it.”

Here’s some political news. On Sunday, the White House will hold a private swearing-in ceremony for President Obama. Not to be outdone, on Sunday Republicans will hold a private swearing-AT ceremony for President Obama.

This was big. Tonight was the season premiere of “American Idol” with new judges Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey. Yeah, viewers got to see all the crazy hair, the diva behavior…But enough about Ryan Seacrest.

Get this. A week after saying, “I’m not leaving Oregon for the NFL,” Chip Kelly has agreed to be the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. Even Lance Armstrong was like, “Pick a story and stick with it man.”

This is interesting. The beginning of the movie “Lincoln” has been slightly changed to explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. Or as Lincoln put it, “Yeah, woulda preferred a different ending.”

And finally, officials in Pennsylvania are apologizing after a computer glitch printed the wrong fathers’ names on 500 birth certificates. So congratulations to The Maury Povich Show for getting renewed for 20 more years!

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Everyone’s talking about this Manti Te’o story. Have you heard about this? Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o is being accused of making up an online girlfriend, and then lying about her death last year so that it would help him win the Heisman Trophy. Or as Manti Te’o put it, “I’m gonna have to talk to Oprah, aren’t I??”

That’s right, Manti Te’o's online girlfriend was a complete fabrication. When they heard that, nerds were like, “Man – even imaginary girls only like jocks.”

Here’s some political news. In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, “Yeah, that’s how families work.”

This isn’t good. Cirque du Soleil just announced that it is cutting 400 jobs. So on the downside, hundreds of clowns will lose their jobs; but on the bright side, it’ll free up, like, two spaces in the parking lot.

I saw that this weekend is the 30th annual Adult Film Awards – which is often referred to as the Oscars of porn. Mainly because Ben Affleck wasn’t nominated.

And finally, a doctor in Britain has created a mathematical formula, and calculated that next Monday is the saddest day of the year. Or as makers of cookie dough ice cream call it, “the happiest day of the year!”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about. Did you guys see Oprah’s Lance Armstrong interview last night? Well, a lot of people are saying that Lance said all the right things in the interview, but he seemed to lack emotion. Yeah, it’s almost like he needed a little something for more energy. If only he could take something for that.

After their interview, Oprah said that Lance Armstrong was honest and contrite about his doping. “Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Manti Te’o.

Here’s some political news. Yesterday, Joe Biden defended the White House’s gun-control initiative by saying that he actually has two guns himself. Then Biden was like, “And I never leave home without ‘em.”

Hey, this week was the season premiere of “American Idol.” And this year people are able to nominate their talented friends who don’t want to audition. Yeah, making someone try out for something they don’t really want – or as Republicans call that, “the Romney plan.”

Listen to this. The original Batmobile from the 1960s Batman series is expected to sell for five million dollars at an auction this weekend. So if you’ve got five million dollars and want to look like Batman, why not just become Batman?

“LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” LISTINGS (January 18-25, 2013)

Friday, January 18: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Josh Gad, Alan Zweibel and musical guest The Joy Formidable. Show 0769

 

**Monday, January 21: Guests include NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg, NeNe Leakes and musical guest T.I. (OAD: 1/3/13)

 

**Tuesday, January 22: Guests include Bill Cosby, Tempestt Bledsoe and musical guest Grace Potter. (OAD: 1/4/13)

 

**Wednesday, January 23: Guests include Fred Armisen, Common, “Buckwild’s” Shae Bradley and Shain Gandee and musical guest Lupe Fiasco (OAD: 1/2/13)

 

**Thursday, January 24: Guests include Arnold Schwarzenegger, Maggie Q and musical guest Michael Kiwanuka. Michael Kiwanuka sits in with The Roots. (OAD: 1/17/13)

 

**Friday, January 25: Guests include David Duchovny, Snooki & JWoww, Nick Kroll and musical guest Eli Young Band (OAD: 1/11/13)

 

These listings are subject to change

 

**denotes changes or additions

LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON’ LISTINGS (January 15-18, 2013)

Tuesday, January 15: Guests include Charlie Sheen, Emmy Rossum, Grace Coddington and musical guest Yo La Tengo. Show 0766

Wednesday, January 16: Guests include Jeremy Renner, Hoda Kotb and musical guest Jessie Ware. Show 0767

Thursday, January 17: Guests include Arnold Schwarzenegger, Maggie Q and musical guest Michael Kiwanuka. Michael Kiwanuka sits-in with The Roots. Show 0768

Friday, January 18: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Josh Gad, Alan Zweibel and musical guest The Joy Formidable. Show 0769

These listings are subject to change

**denotes changes or additions

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