Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.13.14
President Obama was in California over the weekend to attend a fundraiser hosted by the creator of “Farmville.†Yeah, Obama and the creator of Farmville have a lot in common, cuz they both really wish it was still 2009. A great year, a great year, (OBAMA) wasn’t it fun?
I also saw that President Obama played his 200th round of golf yesterday. Then Democrats were like, “You know what, he can do whatever he wants, as long as he’s not trying to campaign for us.†(World’s worst wing man.)
And get this. A new poll found that 58 percent of Millennials, people who grew up in the 90’s, would vote for Hillary Clinton if she ran for president. That’s what they’re saying. Yup, she’s a shoe-in with Millenials – unless Urkel decides to run. (URKEL) “Did I do that? (SERIOUS) No actually, I didn’t. It was the previous administration.
More political news. Last week, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee threatened to quit the Republican Party if the GOP gives up the fight against gay marriage.  When asked where he’d go, Huckabee said “I’ll just switch sides… no I mean… I meant I’ll go play for the other team.  Wait wait! What I’m trying to say is that I’ll become a gay man. Uh alright – interview over!!” I’ve said too much.
This is cool. I saw that the ice skating rink here at Rockefeller Center opened today! It’s that special time of year when tourists are like, (WALKING HESITANTLY ON SKATES) “This was worth the 45 bucks!†(Let’s post this on Instagram!) Yeah?
Check this out. Runners from Kenya came in first, second and third in the Chicago Marathon yesterday. Even crazier, all three runners turned out to be one dude lapping everyone. (JOGGING) “Hey man, good to see you again!”
Oh, this is too bad.  During a recent interview, Hugh Grant announced that he will no longer star in “Bridget Jones 3.†Sources say Grant has been unhappy with the script for years – it just took him forever to say it. (GRANT) “Well – it’s just – the thing is with a script – you have to be proper, so…â€
And finally, a new study has found that babies who weigh more when they’re born grow up to be more successful in school. Yep, kids who are fatter are also smarter — or as bullies call it, “the perfect storm.†(BULLY) “Fat nerds!â€
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.14.14
Some big international news. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance yesterday in over 40 days. But since he saw his shadow, that now means 60 more years of nuclear winter.
Oh, and this is good news. Because of sanctions against Russia, it’s now rumored that Vladimir Putin has finally pulled troops out of Ukraine! Yeah, Putin’s pulled out – or as he put it, (PUTIN) “That is something she said.”
I thought this was interesting. A recent study has revealed that the reading level of Presidential speeches has dropped significantly over the last 200 years. Or as Americans put it, “Why dat?â€
Dancing with the stars was on last night. We love that show. Yeah, last night was the big partner switch episode. Tommy Chong was like (CHONG) “Wait, we switched partners?†(I thought you just changed wigs man!)
Check this out. The search engine Bing has a new feature that can predict who will lose in the midterm elections. Cuz if anyone’s good at predicting failure, it’s Bing.
I don’t know if this is a good idea, but I heard about a new app similar to Tinder, that helps people staying in the same hotel meet each other.  They say it’s good for single travelers, and GREAT for “Dateline.†(KEITH MORRISON) “It turns out there WAS a vacancy that night. In a shallow GRAVE.â€
Yeah, the app costs 1.99 per download, while people you meet with it cost 300 dollars per hour.
Oh, get this. A new report has found that the Beastie Boys mentioned weed in their songs more than any other artist. Then Snoop Dogg was like, (SNOOP) “You gotta be shizzin’ me!†(Can I smoke that report?)
And finally, a bar in London has been named the world’s best bar for the third year in a row. And if you want to know what it’s like being at the world’s best bar, just keep drinking in the bar you’re at. (DRUNK) “I lurrv this place!”
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.15.14
Guys, Joe Biden is at it again everybody. I love the guy, he’s all over our monologues. I don’t know why he said this. But yesterday in South Carolina, Biden met with a group of African-American ministers and referred to himself as quote “the only white boy on the east side of Wilmington.†Which explains his new nickname: Vanilla Vice. (BIDEN) “Stop! No seriously, stop.”
Yeah, Biden told a group of African-American ministers he’s “the only white boy on the east side of Wilmington.†Which got worse when he said, “Relax. Half of my best friend is black!” I can say that. I can say that.
I saw that today, President Obama held a video conference with the leaders of four European countries to discuss the Ebola crisis. And I guess even the President is freaked about Ebola, because the video-conference was just from the next room. (OBAMA) “You guys stay in there…and put on a hazmat suit!â€
And this doesn’t sound encouraging. During a recent interview, Senator John McCain declared that the US isn’t winning the war against ISIS. Even ISIS was like, (ACCENT) “Well, not with THAT attitude!â€
Some more political news. According to a new poll, Chris Christie’s approval rating in New Jersey has hit its lowest level in three years, with voters saying he hasn’t done enough to fix the state’s economy. Christie said that’s really unfair. He’s like, “I’m only two men!â€
Oh and get this. I heard about an 18-year-old pizza delivery guy, who is running for city council in Colorado. When asked if he has enough money to fund a campaign, he said, “I’m a pizza delivery guy in COLORADO.†Weed is legal here, I could buy and sell you.
And I saw that the city of Anaheim, California is trying to get rid of illegal marijuana shops that keep popping up near Disneyland. They said, “Disneyland is no place for drugs. It’s a place where a giant mouse in suspenders welcomes you to ride a little boat through a tunnel of singing dolls and yeah, OK, we see your point. Go right ahead. Bad idea.â€
This isn’t good. Earlier this week, Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was arrested for stealing Gucci cologne and a two-pack of underwear from a store in Texas. That’s disappointing for two reasons. First – he was stealing. Second – he couldn’t outrun a MALL SECURITY GUARD. He’s an NFL running back! Break a tackle!
And this is kinda sweet. I heard about a 114-year-old woman in Minnesota who recently joined Facebook, but she had to lie about her age because they didn’t have her birth year as an option. And it gets even crazier when you find out she also joined Tinder. (OLD) “Swipe RIGHT and I’ll show you my ankles!!”
Of course the holidays are fast approaching, and just in time for the big shopping season, Amazon just announced that it will open its first real store right here in New York. It’ll be just like other stores, but to enter, you must be drunk and in your pajamas. (DRUNK) “I wanna buy a, two jukeboxes!â€
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.16.14
Some news out of Washington. The Pentagon just announced that its fight against ISIS will be called “Operation Inherent Resolve.†Yup, they came up with that name using “Operation Random Thesaurus.”
Yeah, the Pentagon has picked “Operation Inherent Resolve†as the name for its fight against ISIS. Unfortunately, two terrorists got away while they were busy thinking of that name. Who cares what you call it- just do something!)
And get this. A Dutch motorcycle gang called “No Surrender†has declared war on ISIS, and plans to ride their motorcycles through Syria and Iraq.  When they heard the name “No Surrender,†the Pentagon was like, “Damn! That would have been a perfect name! No Surrender is cool, edgy!”
Of course this whole Ebola scare still has everyone on edge. And yesterday, the CDC tried to calm people down by saying that you cannot get Ebola by sitting next to someone on public transportation, but you could give it to someone. In simpler terms, don’t worry, but you know, worry. What does that mean? (You can’t get it unless you get it from someone who gave it to you.) Explain it better. I don’t get it.
And I read that because of the Ebola scare, hazmat suits have turned into a popular Halloween costume. And people walking around in hazmat suits were like, (LYING) “Uh, yeah, Halloween! That’s why I’m wearing this.†(Trick or treat! Don’t touch me.)
Oh this is cool. Netflix just announced that it will begin streaming all 236 episodes of “Friends†starting next year. Yeah people can’t wait, cuz it’ll be a nice break from seeing them 24 hours a day on TBS.
Here’s a local story. An old New York City subway car from 1935 is up for auction on eBay. As opposed to that other way to have your own subway car: taking off your clothes and yelling at God. …Lets go honey…He’s got some issues…
Check this out. A group called Clowns of America International — how does that make any sense? — is criticizing the FX show “American Horror Story: Freak Show,†saying its portrayal of clowns feeds into the fear of clowns. Yeah, “Clowns of America International.” Even ISIS was like, (ACCENT) “Now THAT is a scary group!” (They get out of car and just keep coming and coming!)
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.17.14
It was just announced that the head of the TSA is stepping down after more than four years on the job. Don’t applaud !Well, he actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through security for three-and-a-half years. Â (HANDS OVER HIS HEAD) “Can I go now”?
That’s right, TSA Chief John Pistole — it writes itself — announced that he is stepping down. So whoever takes his place is going to have some pretty big shoes to take off.
Of course everyone is still worried about ebola. And President Obama just appointed someone named Ron Klain as the new “Ebola czar†to oversee the government’s response to the crisis. You know that’s gonna be tough job – but not as tough as introducing yourself as the Ebola Czar. (EXTENDING HAND/CASUAL) “Hey there! Just call me Mr. Ebola.”
This is a pretty big deal. In an effort to compete with HBO, CBS is offering an Internet streaming service that will let people watch the channel on their smart tablets and computers. Or as CBS viewers call those, a “what?†and a “huh?†(phone calling) “What is a smartphone?”
Listen to this. Mattel announced that its sales have dropped 21 percent for the third straight year, because children aren’t as interested in Barbie anymore. When Ken heard that, he was like, (SASSY) “Join the club, honey.”  Now’s the time, Ken.
I guess this is a good thing, but Whole Foods is introducing a new system that will label its produce “good, better, and best†depending on their supplier’s farming practices. Good means “no pesticides.†Better means “evironmentally friendly,†and “Best†means “Still not worth 5 bucks for an apple.†I’m sorry, 5 bucks for an apple? “We feed our trees the best beef…We feed the cows apples, it goes back to the trees…”
Check this out. There are rumors that a musical version of “Frozen†is coming to Broadway. Yeah, as opposed to the Off-OFF-Broadway version, which has been running in the backseat of every minivan in America for the past year. (LITTLE GIRL SINGING) “Do you wanna build a snowman?!?!?” Shut up! I’m listening to a book on audio!