“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “During his weekly internet address this morning President Obama said of Health Care Reform, “I know it has been a long and hard road to this point. And we are not finished with our journey just yet. But we are close. We are very close.” But then, in an ominous sign, the address ended with this: “Lost”-type logo. So that’s not good.”
MEYERS – “Republicans this week accused President Obama of trying to jam health care reform down the throats of the American people. Maybe, maybe not. But at least if it passes, you can get your throat looked at.”
MEYERS – “Democratic Congressman Charles Rangel this week stepped down as the head of the House Ways and Means Committee amid a probe of his ongoing ethics violations. I have to hand it to Rangel: It’s not often you find someone in Washington willing to pose for their own political cartoon.”
MEYERS – “A new report suggests that people may be suffering from hay fever for longer because climate change could be extending pollen season. “Oh, that’s a frickin’ shame,” said a polar bear standing on an ice cube.”
MEYERS – “In the latest storyline of Amazing Spider-Man, Peter Parker gets fired from his photography job and becomes unemployed. In more bad news, the Hulk was downsized.”
MEYERS – “About 5,200 naked people posed for a group photo taken on the steps of the Sydney Opera House this week. In the process breaking the record for most Australian men saying, ‘That’s not a penis, this is a penis.'”
MEYERS – “Lady Gaga said recently that she is currently single and celibate. Like the saying goes, a good man is hard to find when you’re wearing a scuba suit made of bone that’s lit on fire by a team of shirtless male dancers.”
MEYERS – “Police in a small town in Texas spent 30 minutes recently chasing a loose goat. There’s no video of the incident, but we did get a hold of an audiotape.”
MEYERS – “A man in Vietnam, who set the Guinness Record for having the world’s longest hair at 22 feet, died this week at the age of 79. Tragically, he was going down an escalator when suddenly, and without warning, he died of cancer.”
MEYERS – “It was announced this week that the cast of Glee will embark on a seven-date live concert tour this spring, said your son who never got the hang of throwing a spiral.”
MEYERS – “A Chuck E. Cheese in Harlem, New York has posted a new set of rules that prohibits customers from wearing “gang-style apparel” and from engaging in “gang-style conduct.” Though if your gang meets at Chuck E. Cheese, chances are, it’s not really a gang.”
MEYERS – “A company in Australia has created a line of men’s underwear made with banana fibers. Which is great, as long as you’re cool with the occasional monkey rape.”
MEYERS – “A man in South Carolina was arrested while high on crack driving a stolen go-cart. Though I’m surprised he was arrested, since a guy smoking crack and driving a stolen go-cart IS the South Carolina state flag.”