QUOTABLES FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS” MARCH 5, 2011

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “Embattled Libyan leader Moammar Khadafy appeared on a Serbian TV station this past weekend and denied there was any revolt in his country saying, “There are no incidents at the moment and Libya is completely quiet. There is nothing unusual.” Adding, ‘Aside, as always, from my face and my outfits.’ “

MEYERS – “In honor of the role that social media played in overthrowing Hosni Mubarak, a man in Egypt has named his daughter “Facebook.” Cause he sure wasn’t going to name her ‘Zuckerberg.’“

MEYERS – “Republican Newt Gingrich on Thursday announced that he is forming an exploratory committee for a possible presidential run in 2012. The central question: are voters still going by charisma or have they switched over to head size?”

MEYERS – “In an interview Monday, Charlie Sheen claims he quit drugs on his own saying, “I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind.” I don’t know. I find it hard to believe that a guy who’s done that much coke was able to close his eyes.”

MEYERS – “Fashion designer John Galliano, who was fired by Christian Dior this week for making anti-Semitic remarks, denied the charges against him saying he was provoked when “an individual tried to hit him with a chair.” And if you’ve ever been threatened with a chair, you know the occasional “I love Hitler” just slips out.”

MEYERS – “A member of the Brigham Young University basketball team has been suspended for the rest of the season for violating the school’s honor code by having premarital sex. The player says he feels terrible, but he has a pretty good idea on how he’s going to cheer himself up.”

MEYERS – “Police in Toronto raided a pizza restaurant and found more than 1 million dollars in marijuana and other drugs. I’m not a cop, but if you want to find even more marijuana, deliver the pizzas.”

MEYERS – “It was reported this week that Los Angeles County health officials discovered the bacteria that causes Legionnaires’ disease at the Playboy Mansion. Oh did they find a weird old-timey disease at that bastion of health and cleanliness? The home of the world’s oldest man and his stripper collection, its grounds crawling with weird zoo animals that you know aren’t being looked after by any kind of zookeeper. Just a bunch of sick peacocks and gimpy llamas running around, using the badminton court as a toilet while a 19 year-old runaway in a bikini Googles what you’re supposed do when a spider monkey has a cough. And they just found Legionnaire’s disease? Keep looking, county health officials, that’s probably just the tip pf the petri dish.”

MEYERS – “A new stomach pacemaker device has been developed that sends electrical signals to the stomach and brain to make a person feel full and help them lose weight. “Hey, Bill, why don’t you take the stairs once in a while?” ‘Nah, better put a robot inside me. I think that will be easier.’”

MEYERS – “A new parking garage has opened in Manhattan that is completely automated and has no parking attendants. So everybody, come bring your cars to New York’s first lawless rob-and-murder cave!”

MEYERS – “Apple CEO Steve Jobs on Wednesday unveiled the new iPad 2, which will have two cameras and be thinner and faster than the cuurent one. You know what apple is really good at? Making you feel bad about your Christmas present…we all just got the last one. I feel like Steve Jobs is the kind of guy who would introduce you to a hot girl the day after your wedding. Hey, man! I’m married! But..what are her features?”

MEYERS – “This week, a school in Michigan held its 6th annual Mom Prom, in which women are encouraged to wear old prom dresses or bridesmaid dresses for a charity dance. Just a side note, when I said the phrase “mom prom,” my penis went up inside me.”

MEYERS – “Heidi, the famous cross-eyed opossum in Germany, almost successfully picked all the top winners at the Oscars this year, but she incorrectly chose 127 Hours to win for Best Picture. In Heidi’s defense…she’s an animal who doesn’t know what words are.”

WINNERS AND LOSERS

MEYERS – “The suspension of Charlie Sheen’s sitcom, Two and a Half Men and Sheen’s subsequent bizarre television and radio appearances have dominated the news this week and with a story that big there are bound to be some… Winners and losers.

First up, winner: Denise Richards. She walked out of a bad movie nice and early and the rest of us are still sitting here watching it. Denise Richards is like some one who sold her house in 2007.

Winner: Angus T. Jones. Not only does this guy get a break from the world’s worst role model he gets to wrap up puberty off-camera. No one should have to make the difficult transition from half man to man in the public eye. I was a cute kid and I look normal now, but everything in between I was the elephant man in sweatpants.

Also winner: 80’s slang. I would have thought the only way to hear gnarly and bitchin’ so much would be via a time machine. I guess this proves the theory that when you do cocaine, your slang freezes in time like a prehistoric mosquito in amber. “What do you mean there is new slang? How did I not hear it?” You haven’t stopped talking for 25 years.

Loser: The news media. Everyone got their perspective a little skewed. Piers Morgan talked to Sheen the way a guy who just ran out of coke talks to a guy who still has some. “Well you seem fine to me!” Even Al-Jazeera started their broadcast with “Libya is on the brink of a civil war, but first Wild Times at Sober Valley Lodge.”

Winner: Parents of porn stars who aren’t living with Charlie Sheen. Finally some good news for the neighbors. “Hey, is your daughter the one who’s living with —“ “She is not.” “You must be very proud.” “I am.”

Also loser: Tigers. Tigers must be wondering “why is he dragging us into this? We’re full of tiger blood and we don’t behave like this.” We’re noble jungle cats and if we want gazelles we have to chase them down and catch them. We don’t call a service and have two of them show up at our hotel rooms.”

And the biggest loser: Winning. Doesn’t seem to mean the same thing anymore.”