“WEEKEND UPDATE†ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “Two new polls show that Newt Gingrich has gained ground in recent days, and has now passed Mitt Romney. It’s surprising, because if there’s one thing I assumed Gingrich would be bad at, it’s catching up with people.â€
MEYERS – “It was reported this week that Newt Gingrich received consulting fees between 1.6 and 1.8 million dollars from mortgage lenders Freddie Mac, who many conservatives blame for the crash of the economy. C’mon, Newt, a Republican who supported Freddie Mac has as much chance of getting elected as a Democrat who extended the Bush tax cuts, kept Guantanamo open, or took money from Wall Street. Or…you know what Newt, I don’t know, I’m not gonna count you out yet
MEYERS – “Herman Cain this week became the first Republican Presidential candidate to receive Secret Service protection after he filed a request with the Department of Homeland Security. Because it’s dangerous out there for Cain: you never know when some lunatic might walk right up out of the crowd and ask him a question.”
MEYERS – “During an interview this week, Herman Cain froze for nearly a minute when he was asked a question about Libya. Apparently, he couldn’t remember if Libya was the Blonde or the brunette.â€
MEYERS – “This week police and protestors clashed after Mayor Bloomberg ordered that Zuccotti Park be cleared. And for those of you who have it TIVO’d I won’t spoil who won the fight between the guys armed with riot shields and batons and the guys armed with bongos and trail mix.â€
MEYERS – “The National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute is recommending that children be tested for high cholesterol before they reach puberty. The test is simple: you just ask the child their name and if they can’t answer because their mouth is full of bacon, they have high cholesterol.â€
MEYERS – “Religious leaders in Saudi Arabia are warning women with “tempting eyes” that they must cover them up or face punishment – a warning that doesn’t really concern Salimah.â€
MEYERS – “In hopes of finding a new source of revenue, North Korea this week opened its borders to limited tour groups, however tourists cannot bring mobile devices, they must restrict their movement and have to avoid even the most casual contact with daily life. Also, you gotta be cool with getting kidnapped forever.â€
MEYERS – “A man in New York State, who was wearing a T-shirt reading “I’m a Drunk,” was arrested for driving while intoxicated after he crashed into a police car. So score one for judging books by their covers.â€
MEYERS – “A school in Canada has banned all game balls, including soccer balls and baseballs, because the principal thinks they are causing too many injuries. The safety-minded principal also asked that the custodian install a hinge in the see-saw.â€
MEYERS – “A man in New Hampshire was charged with reckless conduct after his gun went off while he was cleaning it and the bullet struck his wife. Whether he’s convicted or not, he will be sentenced to a lifetime of being reminded about “that time you shot me.” Do you remember that? So yeah, I don’t think I spent too much for that purse, because of the time you shot me.â€
MEYERS – “According to a new report, male spiders sometimes “pay” for mating with bits of flower, cotton, and ant husks. However, a sizeable chunk of those payments end up going to Ramon.â€
MEYERS – “Warner Brothers has announced that it is starting production on a Legos movie – but good luck finishing it without this.â€
MEYERS – “IHOP this week opened a new version of their restaurant called IHOP Express that is now self-service and an interactive syrup bar. This is great news for anyone who loves eating at IHOP, but hates putting up with all the pageantry.â€
MEYERS – “A man in California, who was high on crystal meth, was arrested after he killed and ate a wild bobcat. Which is a shame, because up to that point, it had been a lovely bar-mitzvah.â€