QUOTABLES FROM “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS” FEBRUARY 5, 2011

“WEEKEND UP DATE” ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “Supporters of President Hosni Mubarak rode into Cairo’s central square Tuesday on horses and camels and used whips to attack antigovernment protesters, as well as several very confused contestants on The Amazing Race.”

MEYERS – “Clothing maker Kenneth Cole, created controversy on Twitter this week with a tweet Many people on Twitter were upset by a tweet that said, “Millions are in uproar in Cairo…rumor is they heard about our new spring collection.” It’s reminiscent of that controversial Gap ad, ‘Everyone in Somalia is starving…for cords!’”

MEYERS – “Many industry insiders are wondering if Charlie Sheen will pay the salaries of the crew of Two and a Half Men, who will be out of work while Sheen is in rehab. Well, if he does, be careful crew, he expects a lot of crazy stuff when he’s paying you.”

MEYERS – “Denny’s has launched a new ad campaign to brand itself as a diner where customers can feel a warmth and connection with their servers, instead of what it is now, a 24/7 competitive-eating Thunderdome.”

MEYERS – “A woman in Los Angeles has reportedly filed a 1 trillion dollar lawsuit against Sean “Diddy” Combs, claiming that he is the father of her child and that he is also responsible for 9/11. Though I bet she would consider settling out of court for a handful of drugs.”

MEYERS – “A new study shows that a dog trained to smell colon cancer in patients was 95 percent as accurate as a colonoscopy. Said the dog, ‘What can I say, I love what I do.’”

MEYERS – “A woman in Georgia with 24-inch long fingernails said hat she grew them that long in hopes of meeting Oprah Winfrey, who will no doubt jump at the chance to meet a lunatic with crazy weapon hands.”

MEYERS – “According to a report, demand for breast implants in England grew by more than 10 percent last year with many women citing a desire to look like Christina Hendricks from “Mad Men.” I guess that’s fine but oh no, not the Queen!”

MEYERS – “A man in Germany has won a Mini Cooper by having the word “Mini” tattooed on his penis. Of course, if you’re driving a Mini Cooper, no one is ever going to see that tattoo. And if you’re wondering, I am enjoying my free Chevrolet Suburban.”

MEYERS – “This Thursday was the Chinese New Year and marked the start of the Year of the Rabbit. This according to a recent placemat.”

MEYERS – “Tuesday was the 34th annual Empire State Building Run-Up, where participants raced up the building’s stairs to the 86th floor. It’s a great event if you love running marathons, but always wished someone’s ass was in your face.”

Winners Loser-Egypt

MEYERS – “Egypt has dominated the news this week and with a story that big there are bound to be winners and losers. Let’s take a look at the scoreboard.

First up, Winner: Anderson Cooper. You might think he’d be a loser after getting attacked by angry mobs twice in a week, but he’s a winner because he still looks like this. You cannot punch the handsome off Anderson Cooper.

Losers: Pundits who say, “The Mubarak regime is bad but the alternative may worse.” That’s like you’re buddy saying, “your girlfriend is ugly, but I don’t think you could do any better.”

Loser: Tunisia. Talk about getting overshadowed. For three days, the Tunisian revolution was the big story of the Middle East and now they’re the Soundgarden to Egypt’s Nirvana. “We’re from Seattle too.” “That’s great.”

Loser: Muslim Brotherhood. I don’t know if you’re bad guys or not, but you’re name isn’t helping. “Brotherhood” makes everything sound scarier. For example, bunny rabbits, adorable. “Bunny Brotherhood,” what are they planning?

Loser: Hosni Mubarak.

Winner: Hosni Mubarak’s face. This guy is 82 and he looks fantastic. Just goes to show you – Egyptians are great at preserving things.”