QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” SEPTEMBER 26 – SEPTEMBER 30

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, did you guys see this? President Obama’s campaign just launched a new program geared toward seniors called ‘Operation Vote.’ Great, just what old people need – another operation.”

“Listen to this. There’s talk that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is under a lot of pressure from Republicans to run for president. Yeah, also under a lot of pressure? Chris Christie’s belt.”

“I just saw this. The man who invented Doritos, has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.”

“His coffin seemed really big – but you know 80 percent of it is just air.”

“This is just crazy. After they opened the casket, they resealed it with a ‘Chip Clip.’”

“At first his kids went to the wrong funeral and the priest was like, ‘That’s nacho dad!’”

“Some sports news. Eagles quarterback Michael Vick injured his hand in yesterday’s game against the New York Giants. Which should probably explain why you saw so many tails wagging today.”

“That’s right, Michael Vick injured his hand. Or as a female dog put it, ‘Payback’s a me.’”

“This is amazing. I read about a 61-year-old woman in Brazil who is pregnant. It’s convenient, though – when she breastfeeds, she can just leave the baby on the floor.”

“It’s nice—whenever one of them runs out of diapers, they can just share!”

“And finally, I read that Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an eight-foot bronze sculpture of himself. Yeah, there’s even gonna be a maid in charge of polishing it.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Did you see this? Last night on ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ Nancy Grace had a wardrobe malfunction and accidentally exposed her right breast. Yeah, and today, Nancy went on the air to demand justice for the victims.”

“Some more TV news. I heard that CBS is working on a new TV show about a one-term president. Yeah, Obama was like, ‘You mean like Jimmy Carter or Bush Sr. or…oh I don’t like this.’”

“Hey, this is cool. Today Google celebrated its 13th anniversary! Not to be outdone, Bing celebrated its 13th user.”

“That’s right, Google turned 13 years old! Which explains why today when I searched for something, Google was just like, (TEEN) ‘I don’t know – stop asking me questions! I’m going upstairs.’ (‘You’re so lame!’)”

“Did you see this? Joe Biden was a guest on ‘The View’ today. It was a little weird – when Whoopi said it was time for ‘Hot Topics,’ Biden was like, (NAMING THINGS) ‘The sun! Coffee! Toasters! Did I win?’”

“This is interesting. A new museum opened this week in Italy, dedicated to the fashion label Gucci. And today, a knockoff Gucci museum opened in Chinatown.”

“Listen to this. Researchers are testing a new gel that works like Botox but doesn’t use a needle. When Botox users heard about it, they were like (STARE EXPRESSIONLESS) ‘I am so excited about this.’”

“Check this out. A town in China just canceled a dog-eating festival that has been a tradition for 600 years. Or as cats put it, ‘Uh oh…’”

“And finally, a man in South Carolina was arrested for using his inhaler to rob a convenience store. Not good – if there’s one nickname you don’t want in prison, it’s ‘The Inhaler.’”

“How are you feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, did you guys see this? During a fundraiser last night, Joe Biden said that President Obama has quote ‘a backbone like a ramrod.’ It was weird – instead of giving Biden a ‘standing O,’ the crowd gave him a ‘sitting WTF.’”

“Here’s some election news. It’s rumored that Michele Bachmann’s campaign is close to running out of money. When asked for comment, Bachmann was like, ‘You see my campaign really DOES represent America.’”

“This is crazy. New York will no longer require drivers to take an eye exam to renew their license. Not good – this morning my cab driver was like, ‘You want me to take Park Avenue or Lexington? Also, is that a green light or a person?’”

“That’s right, New York is no longer requiring eye exams to renew a driver’s license. Which explains our new state motto: ‘Welcome to New York: (AUDIO OF MULTIPLE CAR CRASHES)’”

“This is interesting. A new study found that one out of ten Europeans were conceived on an Ikea bed. Especially that one bed model from Ikea – the (LIKE ‘BOW CHICKA WOW WOW) ‘SMERG CHICKA BLORF BLORF.’”

“That’s right, sex is pretty different on Ikea beds – it’s like, (READING MANUAL) ‘Ok, honey, I’m supposed to insert P-1 into V-1… do you see P-1 anywhere?’”

“Hey, get this. A couple in Pennsylvania was arrested for stealing copper wire from utility poles to pay for their wedding. Which explains that new item on the couple’s registry: bail.”

“Some sports news. This week, a Boston Red Sox fan posted an ad on Craigslist for a new starting pitcher. Weird – usually when people post a Craigslist ad for a pitcher, it’s in the casual encounters section.”

“And finally, I read that the world’s population is expected to reach seven billion people on Halloween. Even more surprising, only six billion of them are going as sluts this year.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, some big economic news. Global investors are predicting that Europe’s debt crisis could lead to a devastating, catastrophic meltdown. Or as experts call that, ‘Doing it, Red Sox-style.’”

“Did you hear about this? Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg recently went hunting and killed a bison. Yeah, it was weird, cuz the bison’s last words were, (DYING) ‘I…hate…the new Facebook layout!!!’”

“You guys, today is National Coffee Day! It was cool – this morning in Starbucks, they were offering fifteen dollars off every latte.”

“This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who exercise during the workday end up being more productive. So with that in mind, (HIGGINS USES SHAKE WEIGHT) Higgins, stop doing that. (HIGGINS: ‘I’m doing next year’s taxes.’)”

“Check this out. Last week, an 80-year-old woman in Alabama was arrested for selling cocaine. Which is why every birthday, her grandson gets a ROLLED UP five-dollar bill.”

“Get this. A man in North Carolina accidentally shot himself in the leg while he was on a first date. Or as his date put it, (TURNED ON) ‘Is that a gun in your pants, or are you just – (GUNSHOT, STARTLED) guess that answers my question!’”

“Listen to this. A recent study found that women inherit their sense of style from their mothers. Which explains why I saw Chelsea Clinton shopping at Men’s Wearhouse.”

“And finally, the Trump Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City is giving away 25 thousand dollars worth of plastic surgery. Yeah, so next time you’re playing slots and you get three cherries – you can walk away with two melons.”

“How are you feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! You guys, today was the start of the Major League Baseball playoffs! Yep, the Yankees played the Tigers in New York; the Rangers played the Rays in Texas; and the Red Sox played ‘Angry Birds’ on their iPads.”

“Hey, have you guys seen this? Regis Philbin is now starring in a new commercial for Advil. Yeah, cuz when you have a bad headache, what you want to hear is, (REGIS) ‘What are you DOING this morning?! Why are you holding your HEAD right now?! You must feel a POUNDING IN YOUR HEAD!’”

“This is insane. A woman in Indiana was arrested for drunk driving in a golf cart while she was on her way to buy a scarecrow. When the cops asked if she’d been drinking, she was like, ‘I’m in a golf cart on my way to buy a scarecrow. What do you think?’”

“Did you see this? First Lady Michelle Obama was spotted shopping at Target yesterday. Yeah, she told the Secret Service to keep their eyes peeled – not for threats, just for a person that actually works at Target. ‘Hey, can you…hi, I’m trying to…sir, do you…just wearing a red vest? Ok.’”

“I just saw this. Yesterday, House Republicans unveiled a plan to cut funding for NPR. Yeah, NPR hosts spent the whole day protesting – they were like (WHISPER VOICE) “Heck no! We won’t go! Heck no! We will not go!”

“You guys, tomorrow Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old—in addition to Snow White’s seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats.”

“Nowadays when Pinocchio wants his nose to grow, he has to take a Cialis.”

“Check this out. Seven high school students in New York were arrested for cheating on the SATs. Let’s hope they don’t go to jail—the last thing you want is some inmate filling in your circle with his #2 pencil.”

“And finally, Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriend, Holly Madison, has taken out a one-million-dollar insurance policy on her breasts. The insurance agent was like, ‘Don’t worry – with AllState, (GROPING) you’re in good hands.’”