QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” (OCTOBER 31-NOVEMBER 4, 2011)

“How are feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Tonight’s show will last about an hour – just like Kim Kardashian’s marriage.”

“Yeah, big celebrity news. It looks like Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce after being married for only 72 days. Wow, first they cancel the NBA season, now they’re canceling NBA marriages.”

”That’s right, Kim Kardashian is ending her marriage. Details of the proceedings will remain private – until E! airs its three-hour divorce special.”

”Everybody’s talking about this. It turns out that presidential candidate Herman Cain was accused of sexually harassing two women in the 90s. Which explains his new campaign slogan, (PORN GUY) ‘Did somebody a order a pizza with extra sausage?’” (PORN MUSIC)

”Listen to this. I read that 600 thousand Facebook accounts are hacked every day. I must be lucky. Not only have I never been hacked, but also I won a free iPad just for entering my password and credit card information.”

”Did you guys see this? Last week on CNN, presidential candidate Jon Huntsman called Mitt Romney a ‘perfectly lubricated weather vane.’ Incidentally, ‘perfectly lubricated’ is the same phrase that got Herman Cain in trouble with those women.” (PORN MUSIC CALLBACK)

“This is interesting. I heard that the U.S. is planning to send a surveillance blimp to Afghanistan next year. That’s gonna suck when they’re under attack. It’s like, ‘We’ve been spotted! Let’s get out of here!’” (SLOWLY PILOT BLIMP OUT OF FRAME)

“That’s right, the U.S. is sending a surveillance blimp to Afghanistan. We just have to hope the Taliban doesn’t have that new anti-surveillance technology: eyes. (POINT UP) ‘Look, it’s a giant blimp.’” (Fujifilm)

“Get this. A woman in Florida was arrested for keeping drug paraphernalia in between the pages of her Bible. You could tell something was up with her version – instead of Moses bringing down the two tablets, he just crushes them up and snorts them.
(COKED UP) ‘Okay follow me, everybody – we’re gonna walk across the water!’”

“And finally, an 80-year-old man in New York is doing fine after he fell into a sinkhole in his front yard. Yeah, when kids saw an 80-year-old crawling out of a hole in the ground, they were like, (EXCITED) ‘That’s the best Halloween display ever!’”

How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Oh man, everybody’s still talking about this Kim Kardashian story. Here’s the latest… Kim Kardashian’s husband, Kris Humphries, apparently found out on the gossip website TMZ that Kim filed for divorce. Kim was like, ‘Sorry, I didn’t have a chance to tell you the normal way – you know, through In Touch magazine.’”

“I just saw this. The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics – it’s just that they can’t accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.”

“Some big tech news. Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there’s any justice – the minute they’re done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that’s not compatible with their machinery.”

“Hey, last night was Halloween! And this was nice – President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume – so he went as himself from 2008.”

“Check this out. I heard that the first bowling alley in Afghanistan opened earlier this month. Yeah, bowling there is a little annoying – it takes three hours just to type each player’s name into the computer. ‘Ok, that’s Ach-ma-deen-is-ta-ban…A….C….H… No, wait, two H’s…’ (How do you delete this? Ugh, now we’re resetting the lanes!)”

“Get this. A new report predicts that the world’s population of jungle cats could go extinct in the next 20 years. That’s weird. I walked into a Talbots here in New York, and I saw, like, 25 cougars.”

“And finally, a school in China is being fined because children are too loud on its playground. Yeah, their teachers are like, ‘You kids are way too loud – now hurry up and finish building this playground.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Hey, just a quick programming note: Justin Bieber will NOT be here tonight. Apparently, he had to go tape a last-minute appearance on ‘Maury.’”

“Did you hear about this? A 20-year-old woman in California is saying that Justin Bieber is the father of her son, after they had sex at the Staples Center. People were like, “He would never do that!” but the woman was like, ‘Never say never…’”

“Some more celebrity news. Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, ‘30 days?? That’s, like, four marriages!’”

“Speaking of Kim Kardashian, yesterday Kim said that her decision to get married had nothing to do with publicity. Then she was like, ‘If you don’t believe me, just talk to my publicist.’”

“This is crazy. A new survey found that 46 percent of doctors have used Google or Yahoo to diagnose their patients’ symptoms. Yeah, last time I got sick, my doctor was like, ‘I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have (LOOK AT SCREEN) Server Not Responding.’”

“That’s right, doctors are using Google to diagnose patients. When I told my doctor I had mild strep, he looked at the screen and said, (LOOK AT SCREEN), ‘Did you mean Meryl Streep?’”

“Some TV news. I heard that the Middle East is getting its own version of Jeopardy. Yeah, it’s weird when one of the contestants is like, ‘What is electricity…. No seriously, what is electricity?’”

“I was just reading about this. Librarians in Chicago are writing petitions to Mayor Rahm Emanuel to protest city budget cuts. Yeah, librarians are uniting with one voice to say, (WHISPER) ‘Hey, don’t you have bigger things to worry about than the library?’”

“And finally, a new study found that a small electric shock to the penis can help cure impotence. Or as men put it, ‘Well I guess there’s still no cure!’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, some political news. President Obama just went to the G20 summit to give Europe advice on its debt crisis. Wait, Europe’s getting economic advice from Obama? That’s like J.Lo getting marriage advice from Kim Kardashian.”

“Did you see this? President Obama bumped Chinese President Hu Jintao from the #1 spot on Forbes’ list of the world’s most powerful people. It was awkward—Obama wanted to buy a copy of the magazine, but he had to borrow five bucks from Hu Jintao.”

“Hey, this Sunday is the 42nd annual New York City Marathon! You know, a chance to bring together all the best runners in the U.S…and watch them lose to a guy from Kenya.”

“That’s right, Sunday is the New York City Marathon! I’m gonna put on my tightest shorts, throw some Vaseline on my nipples…and go see a movie.”

“Some tech news. There’s a new iPhone app that lets users pay for things by saying their own name out loud. Finally answering the question, ‘How can buying condoms get even more uncomfortable?’”

“Check this out. This week, CNN launched a Spanish version of its website. It’s called ‘Yes NN.’”

“This is interesting. China just launched a program to prevent divorce by having newlyweds write love letters to each other, which get delivered seven years after their wedding day. And just to make sure it takes seven years to get there – they’re using the U.S. Postal Service.”

“Some business news. I heard that the discount store Filene’s Basement is filing for bankruptcy. Which explains why the owner is now living in Filene’s parent’s basement.”

“And finally, a new study found that people in their 70s are having more sex today than ever before. And here’s the bad news – you can’t unhear that.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, here’s some election news. This week, Mitt Romney’s campaign sent out automated phone calls saying that Rick Perry is too soft on immigration. Yeah, the call was like, ‘For English, press one – para Español, go talk to your buddy Rick Perry.’”

“This is pretty interesting. Google announced that it is changing its search formula to make results more current. Yeah, you can tell their results are a bit out of date – this morning I Googled ‘Kim Kardashian,’ and it was like, ‘Did you mean Mrs. Kardashian?’”

“Some more tech news. A new study found that a growing number of people think the Internet is just as important as food, water, and shelter. Which explains why today, a guy on the subway was like, (HOLDING OUT CUP) ‘Spare Facebook friends? Spare Facebook friends?? (Twitter followers? Spare Twitter followers, anyone?)’”

“This is crazy. An 83-year-old man in Iowa was just arrested for prostituting himself out to women. Yeah, he said it would be 100 bucks to have sex – 200, to not have sex.”

“That’s right, an 83-year-old male prostitute. It’s a little weird – instead of asking clients for cash, he has them pay him in war bonds.”

“I don’t know what to make of this. A man called the police this week after a snake crawled out of the ATM he was using. The snake was immediately captured, and returned to its position as the bank’s CEO.”

“Get this. A town in Florida is facing criticism for holding a mullet-tossing contest, where contestants throw a mullet-fish as far as they can. Incidentally, ‘mullet-tossing’ is the first step in the redneck mating call. (TOSSES MULLET OFF SHOULDER, HICK) ‘You got a real pretty smile.’”

“And finally, next Tuesday, an asteroid the size of an aircraft carrier is expected to pass close to Earth. And if that weren’t scary enough, I heard there’s an 83-year-old male prostitute running around.”