QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” November 1 – 5

“How are you guys feeling tonight?  Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  You guys excited? Tomorrow is election day! Some interesting news, the final poll before the election shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. Yeah. I guess Obama is finally gonna get that ‘change’ he was talking about. (I have a feeling)”

“That’s right. It seems most experts are predicting that Republicans will win back the House tomorrow. Yeah, when Americans heard that they were like ‘wait, we can WIN BACK our houses?!!’ (Who said that? Are you sure?)”

“That’s right, today President Obama sent out an email encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That’s not how people vote – that’s how women go to the bathroom. (You guys wanna come? Come on. Let’s go. Let’s get out of here. Come on let’s go now.)”

“I don’t know if you saw this. The DNC released a last-minute ad that says, ‘Don’t Let Sarah Palin Win. Vote Tomorrow.’ The weird part is, it ends with the line (MCCAIN) ‘I’m John McCain, and I approve this message.’ (And John McCain sounds like Casey Casem’s apparently. I’m John McCain. We have a request and dedication.)”

“This is huge. California will vote on Prop 19 tomorrow to legalize marijuana. Which mean thousands of stoners will be at the polls going, ‘Dude, just pass it. Just pass it. – Thanks. Now let’s vote on Prop 19.’”

“This is pretty crazy. The University of South Carolina will offer a new class devoted to Lady Gaga. Or, you can just take your parents’ tuition money and flush it DIRECTLY down the toilet. (It’s up to you. You’re an adult. No one’s gonna stop you.)”

“You guys, this is big news, you guys. McDonald’s McRib sandwich will make a comeback tomorrow for six weeks only. Wait a second, on the same day people in California get to vote on legalizing marijuana? Stoners, it’s a trap. Just wait one more day for your McRib. Just wait. It’s around for six weeks. (Gosh, you know what today is? Freaking McRib day, man. Yeah! You know what it is!)”

“Hey, I just read about this. The TSA is now requiring passengers to provide their full names and date of birth when they purchase airline tickets. Which of course begs the question, ‘WE WEREN’T DOING THAT BEFORE?!?!’(What’s wrong with us? That’s a new rule? What have we been doing? I don’t understand things.)”
“Listen to this. Angelina from Jersey Shore was reportedly punched while she was at a mall in Staten Island this weekend. And in even crazier news, one time she went to a mall and DIDN’T get punched.”

“And finally, Yahoo is making some design changes on its site so that people can go on Twitter and Facebook without leaving Yahoo. Yeah, now all Yahoo has to do is get people to go to Yahoo.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Did everyone watch the election results last night? Oh man, it was a terrible night for Democrats in Congress…but a TERRIFIC night for moving companies in the Washington, D.C. area.”

“It was really emotional watching the results on TV. I don’t know what was more touching—John Boehner starting to cry…or Nancy Pelosi TRYING to cry. (Am I crying? Bring an onion, something… Let me cut some onions up, whatever…)”

“But don’t worry…even if you’re upset about all the seats the Republicans gained, at least you got to hear Tom Brokaw say a ton of new names. (AS BROKAW) David Schweikert, Tim Huelskamp, Raul Labrador, Alan Nunnelee.”

“This isn’t good. A lot of people went on Twitter to complain that the font-size used on the ballots was too small. Yeah, people who got the small fonts were like (SQUINTING AT BALLOT) ‘I can’t see anyone I want to vote for!’ Then the people who got the regular sized fonts were like (LOOKING AT BALLOT) ‘I can’t see anyone I want to vote for!’ (What is this thing? Get this out of here.)”

“There were a lot of big issues on the ballot. Yesterday, California turned down Prop 19 to legalize marijuana. You could tell the stoners got desperate during the vote count. They starting shaking the ballot box, like ‘Dude, there’s still more in there. I swear! Trust me.’ (You could get some use out of this thing, man. I’m telling you…)”

“Speaking of marijuana…Two men in Pennsylvania were just arrested after they were caught fighting over stolen weed. Yeah, the fight got really bad when the guys were like (STONER) ‘Okay, we’ll just cut the weed in half and split it.’ (OTHER STONER) ‘Fine.’ (FIRST GUY) ‘No! That just proves you don’t really love it!’ (Touche! King Solomon reference…)”

“Did anyone hear this? President Obama went on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show to talk about the state of the country. If you wanna hear the whole interview, you can find it online, and if you just want highlights, talk to Seacrest – he has a salon that he swears by. (It’s like his favorite)”

“I don’t know if you guys heard this but China started conducting its nationwide census this week. That’s right, parents will be required to list each child’s age, grade and occupation. (Get the census going… Very exciting news out there.)”

“Get this, Martin Sheen, the father of Charlie Sheen, is reportedly having a family intervention in Ireland. I’m sorry? They’re sending an alcoholic to Ireland?! That’s like sending Lindsay Lohan to Bogota, Colombia. (What are you doing?)”

“Ireland? I’m pretty sure an intervention in Ireland is where your loved ones all confront you and say you don’t drink ENOUGH.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Hey, did anyone see this? During Hillary Clinton’s trip to New Zealand today, the prime minister accidentally referred to her as President instead of Secretary of State. Afterwards, Hillary was like ‘Oh no worries – I do it to myself all the time.’(It’s fine)”

“Listen to this. In his new book, George W. Bush reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney from the 2004 ticket because he wanted to demonstrate that he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea, so… (They went back to normal… They didn’t do it)”

“Yeah, on the ‘Today’ show, Bush said his new book will be a ‘data point for future historians.’ Then he said, (BUSH) ‘That’s kind of a mind bender: ‘future historians.’ They should just call them ‘now’s.’”

“Oh man. Everyone is still talking about the unemployment rate. That’s right, this week it went up by about 65 Democrats.”

“Speaking of elections…Levi Johnston, who’s running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, just announced that he’s going to focus on ‘better schools, less crime, and more jobs.’ Yeah, he really captures it all in his campaign slogan, ‘Levi Johnston: All the stuff you like is the things I also think is good.’ (Little clunky, but I think it works)”

“I don’t know if you guys noticed this. Facebook decreased its font size this week. Yeah, they say it’s so small, you won’t even feel it when you’re getting poked. (What’s that mean?)”

“This is huge, you guys. A federal court has decided to extend the military’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy, even though it was struck down a few weeks ago. That’s right, it’s back on. Which means it’s time for some soldiers to implement a policy called, ‘just kidding!’ (You didn’t believe what I told you last Wednesday did you?)”

“That’s right, gay soldiers were like, ‘Wait? It’s back on now? Make up your mind –I haven’t been this confused since high school!’ (What is going on? Figure this out.)”

“And finally, this weekend is the New York City Marathon, you guys! That’s right – the one race in America that’s yet to be insulted by Mel Gibson.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Hey, this weekend is the New York City Marathon! I love it. It’s a chance for the best runners in New York to come together…and get crushed by a guy from Nigeria. (It’s just a great tradition. I love it every year.)”

“You guys…President Obama is on a 10-day trip to India, Indonesia, South Korea, and Japan. It’s impressive. Not to be outdone, today Joe Biden went to Epcot. (‘Went over to Germany got some strudel, and then going to Mexico here to get a Fajita!’)”

“Actually, officials in India are removing coconuts from certain trees to keep them from falling on President Obama this weekend. Man, you know somewhere, Abe Lincoln’s going, ‘Wait, you gotta be kidding! Nobody stops a gunman right behind me in the theater, but this dude’s got people on coconut detail?!’”

“Some health news, you guys. Costco is warning customers in five states that its gouda cheese might contain E. coli. But the good news is, if you bought any, you got a lot of E. coli for your money. (‘Honey look what I got! It’s a hundred and twenty dollars. A big wheel of cheese. But we don’t eat that much. Well, I don’t care, let’s have a fondue party.’)”

“Hey, you guys…Daylight Savings ends this Sunday. If you’re confused about when to set your clocks back or ahead, just remember this simple rule: you GAIN an hour every fall, and you LOSE an hour every time you watch an episode of ‘Jersey Shore.’ (‘You wanna smush? No, thank you, madame. Good day to you. I’ll call you when I’m DTF and let you know.’)”

“This is too bad, you guys. NBC is canceling its new show ‘Undercovers,’ about a husband and wife spy team. In fact, they were such good spies, people didn’t even notice they were on the air. (That’s how good the show was.)”

“Some more TV news. Jo Frost, the star of the ABC show ‘Supernanny,’ announced that she’s leaving the show so she can start dating. I just feel bad for the first guy she goes out with, it’s like: (AS SUPER NANNY) ‘Is that the correct way to order an appetizer? It’s not, is it? Go to the naughty step! Go to the naughty step! Is that how you tip a waiter?’”

“And finally, Lady Gaga went to a yoga class in London this week wearing platform boots, sunglasses, and a dress. You’d think that would be pretty impractical, but she totally nailed the position ‘Downward Facing Weirdo.’ (It was really good, she nailed it)”