How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. So did you guys catch the big Lost finale last night? Don’t worry, don’t worry, I will not tell you what happened. Because I have no idea.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty hard for the fans of Lost that it’s finally over. Now, if people want to get their fix, they’ll have to follow that OTHER group that’s lost and confused in the middle of the ocean – you know, BP.”
“Actually, a lot of good shows are ending this week – “Lost,” “24,” and “Law & Order.” Bad news for fans of drama, but Glee is still on if you’re a fan of “dramaaa!!”
“Did you hear this? Fox News is launching a website this fall aimed at the Latino population. Yeah, Latinos were like, “Wait, what is Fox News aiming at us?”
“And listen to this. Arizona Governor Jan Brewer put out a video to sell her new immigration law featuring a puppet that looks a lot like Kermit the Frog. Even crazier, the frog sings a song called “It’s Not Easy Being Brown.”
“Hey, according to a new report, Facebook and MySpace have been releasing user information to advertisers. Yeah, and now Facebook users are being targeted with ads for the new smart phones. And MySpace users are getting ads for this new thing called Facebook.”
“This is crazy. Researchers in California are developing a pair of pants made with electronic fibers that will charge your cell phone while you move. Finally solving the problem, “How can I get radiation even closer to my balls?”
“Hey, you guys…this week is National Safe Boating Week. That’s right. Shouldn’t that be a year long thing? Step one in boating safety: don’t light a match near the ocean.”
“This is interesting. Researchers have discovered that male fat is different from female fat. Well sure. Male fat can be canceled out by wealth.”
“This past weekend was Pacman’s 30th anniversary! Ms. Pacman was like, “I don’t care what we do just as long as we don’t stay in and eat ghosts again. Whatever.”
“A new study found that it’s a good idea for older men to talk about their sexual problems with their friends. The study was titled, “Avoiding Friendships with Older Men.”
And finally, on Saturday, Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to children in China. It was a nice break for the children…from their job of making teddy bears.”
“How are you guys feeling tonight? Let’s get right to the news here. BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean.”
“Some huge news you guys. It was announced today that the 2014 Super Bowl will take place at the Meadowlands in New Jersey. That’s right. They say this will be the most attention a tiny piece of leather’s gotten in New Jersey since – well, Snooki.”
“Listen to this. The White House is backing a new plan to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Yeah, they want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, “Just Try Not to Make it Super Obvious, Gary.”
“Hey, I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the “next Beatles.” The Jonas’s were like, “Oh man, that’s so nice of you – who are The Beatles?”
“Check this out. The FDA might endorse a new pill to boost women’s sex drives. It’s true. Yeah, the pill is about this big, looks exactly like George Clooney, and goes over your husband’s face.”
“Did you guys hear about this? Jon Gosselin is now dating a 23-year-old woman. That sounds pretty young, but he DID follow the rule: half your IQ, plus seven.”
“This is crazy. A British man just swam under Mount Everest wearing only a swim cap, goggles and a Speedo in 34-degree water. Well now he’ll move on to an even bigger challenge, trying to coax his balls back out.”
“Hey, a new tell-all book reveals that Oprah’s employees use the codename “Mary” when discussing her outside the office. Yeah apparently no one was fooled by their first code name, “Shmoprah.” I would have been fooled.”
“I just read about an 89-year-old woman in Germany who posed nude for a charity calendar. She posed for February but her boobs are down in November.”
“And finally, after their boat capsized off the coast of Florida last week, three people survived for three days by clinging to a cooler. The three of them are described as “the best of friends,” and a fourth guy was described as “delicious.”
“Happy Wednesday! Last night was the season finale of Dancing with the Stars, and Kate Gosselin returned for once last performance. I don’t want to say it was bad, but today the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it.”
“In a dramatic moment halfway through her routine, Kate stripped down to a shorter dress and danced to “I Will Survive.” Ironically, there were no survivors.”
“It was hot out there today in NY, wasn’t it? The forecast for New York City called for temperatures in the mid-90s. The forecast for New Jersey called for outfits from the mid-90s.”
“Oh man, this oil disaster is still pretty bad. In response to the spill, President Obama is expected to announce tougher requirements for offshore drilling. In other words, he’s going to announce some requirements.”
“Hey, “Sex and the City 2″ opens tomorrow, you guys! If you go to Fandango, tickets cost 14 dollars for adults, 10 dollars for senior citizens and only 8 dollars for cougars.”
“This week, AT&T launched a free outdoor wireless hot spot in Times Square. Yeah, that’s a great idea…cuz whenever I’m in a place packed with tourists, girls are yelling out of limousines and a dude playing the guitar in his underwear, my first thought is “Well, guess I’ll try and get some work done.”
“Here’s some sports news. The NBA is coming out with edible basketball logos that can be placed on a pizza. Of course any pizza with a Knicks logo on it comes with a choke hazard warning. Especially in the fourth quarter.”
“I heard that Tiger Woods is building a new house in Florida. Yup, you can tell it’s Tiger’s house, because it has a front, a back, and a side nobody knows about.”
“At a recent shareholders’ meeting, Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos said that a color version of the Kindle is “still a long way out.” And then Apple said, “Uh, no it isn’t.”
“And finally, congratulations to “the bra,” for turning 100 years old today. That’s right, the bra. Been around for 100 years. You’re getting up there in age, bra, but just remember: It’s what’s on the inside that counts.”
“How are you guys feeling tonight? You guys feeling good? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody. Hey, did you watch the big American Idol finale last night? Well it turns out the ratings were down 18 percent from last year’s finale. I guess people are starting to remember that doing karaoke is way more fun than watching karaoke.”
“Check this out. There’s a new device called the Cleavage Caddy that comes with pockets and goes in a woman’s bra so that she doesn’t have to carry a purse. Good invention. Is it me or does a cleavage caddy sound like someone who works for Tiger Woods?”
“A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans. No respecting those animals.”
“And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That’s a nice thing to announce to the world – that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a top hat.”
“In fact, President Obama fired the head of the Mineral Management Service because of lax oversight of offshore oil rigs. it’s gotta be tough finding another job after that. “I see you were the head of the department in charge of preventing oil spills.” “That’s right.” “And this was DURING the huge oil spill.” “Yeah, that’s right.” “Yeah, you may not be Wendy’s material.”
“Listen to this. A new study found that it’s better to cut a baby’s umbilical cord a few minutes later than originally thought. Mostly because it gives you time to make sure that it’s ACTUALLY the umbilical cord. It’s a boy, it’s a girl, it’s a girl! Here’s Paula.”
“I can’t believe this. A 60-year-old woman in China just gave birth to twins. Yup, and she says she’s going to use cloth diapers because she finds the disposable ones a little uncomfortable.”
“There’s a new trend among college kids called “vodka eyeballing” – you guys know what I’m talking about? It’s where you tip your head back and you pour vodka directly on your eyeball. This is starting to replace the old college trend: graduating. They don’t do that anymore. This is the new trend. Vodka eyeballing.”
“A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cell phone than a book. I guess that would explain why he’s average.”
“This story is insane. A man in Britain lost his license for three years for drunk driving in a toy Barbie car. I think it was probably worth it just to sit in a tiny pink car on the side of the highway with a straight face and go, “What seems to be the problem, officer? Let me see where I put my registration. It’s probably in the trunk.”
“And finally, a man is facing 20 years in prison for trying to sell Disney’s top-secret financial info. Yeah, you can tell it’s Disney because all the prison inmates have formed a two-hour line to ride him.”
“All right, let’s get right to the news, everybody. Today President Obama flew to Louisiana to see the Gulf cleanup effort firsthand. And it was just like President Bush’s trips to Louisiana – except Obama actually landed.”
“Obama called the Gulf Coast oil spill an assault on our shores and their people. And then he said the same thing about fat dudes in Speedos. That is an assault.”
“Hey, listen to this. It’s rumored that Justin Bieber recently dropped the F-bomb on the set of an Australian talk show. If I was his mom I would wash his mouth out with soap…and then sell that soap on Ebay for a million dollars. But I’m not his mom. I’m his father.”
“The list of the world’s best airlines came out yesterday, and not a single American airline made it in the top 10. You know who was really surprised by this news? No one.”
“This is a crazy story. An American adventurer strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterwards, people in Mexico asked “Exactly how many balloons?” “Cuantos globos?”
“Hey everybody, I heard that Tiger Woods’ lawyers aren’t letting him date until his divorce is finalized. I’m sure it’s comforting to Elin that although Tiger couldn’t stop himself from cheating on her, he has no problem staying faithful to his LAWYERS.”
“A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession. Luckily, most of them can just sleep in late the next day.”
“And finally, the doctor for Argentina’s soccer team says its ok for players to have sex with their regular partners during the World Cup. As long as they don’t use their hands.”