QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” May 23 – May 27

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. President Obama is on a big European trip this week, and I heard that he’s sleeping at Buckingham Palace when he visits England. That’s when you know the U.S. is short on cash—when even Obama’s like, ‘Hey, is it cool if I crash at your place?’ (‘Couch is fine…’)”

“Did you see this? Today President Obama visited the Irish village where his great-great-great-grandfather was born. Of course, that was always disputed by his great-great-great-grandfather’s archrival, Donny McTrump.”

“That’s right, Obama was in Ireland today. He thought about buying a four-leaf clover for good luck – and then he looked at the field of Republican candidates and decided it wasn’t necessary.”

“That’s right, the Republicans are really starting to worry about their chances in 2012. Mike Huckabee dropped out, Mitch Daniels dropped out, Sarah Palin hasn’t…”

“Did you see this? Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels emailed his supporters over the weekend to tell them he’s NOT running for president. In response, his supporters were like, ‘Dad, we live in the same house –couldn’t you just tell us in person?’”

“Actually, Mitch Daniels said he’s not running because he loves his family more than he loves his country. The other candidates feel that way too – in fact, Newt Gingrich says he loves all his families more than his country.”

“Did you hear about this? Sarah Palin just bought a house in Arizona for 1.6 million dollars. Yeah, it has a pool, a jacuzzi, and a gazebo – which will be perfect for her kids, Pool, Jacuzzi, and Gazebo.”

“Some celebrity news. Justin Bieber kissed his girlfriend Selena Gomez on live TV last night at the Billboard Music Awards. Or as teenage girls put it, (CRYING) ‘The world did end this weekend.’ (Biebs! Lookat me, Biebs! Biebels!… Forget it. I like Michael Buble now. He’s more mature. Baby, baby…)”

“Check this out. Restaurants in Germany will be required to show their health-code ratings with traffic lights. Green means it’s very clean, yellow means slightly dirty, and red means you’re at White Castle.”

“And finally, in his weekly radio address, President Obama called on Congress to fix the No Child Left Behind policy. Then he called on Arnold Schwarzenegger to fix his ‘Secret Child Left Behind’ policy.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Hey, this is really interesting. A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress. Yeah, but so can hiring someone else to do it for you — just ask Maria Shriver.”

“Speaking of Maria Shriver, I read that she could end up with over 100 million dollars in her divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, Maria deserves it. I mean, she was his devoted wife, and mother to at least 40 percent of his children.”

“I don’t know what to make of this. Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, announced that he’s running for president. And this is cool – if his campaign isn’t over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free!”

“Today is National Hug Your Cat Day! Or as cats call it, ‘Yeah, don’t do that.’”

“This is pretty cool. The New York Public Library turned 100 years old this week. And so did anyone who still goes to the New York Public Library.”

“This is interesting. A new book about President Grover Cleveland reveals that he may have fathered a son out of wedlock. Wow, I never knew that about Grover Cleveland. Although in fairness, I never knew anything about Grover Cleveland.”

“Hey, it’s rumored that Microsoft is going to unveil Windows 8 next week. Yeah, as soon as you buy it, that little paper clip pops up and goes, ‘It looks like you haven’t learned your lesson yet!’”

“Check this out. Larry King is releasing a memoir next week about his career in television. It’s actually the first time Larry’s been published since he wrote the foreword to the Old Testament.”

“That’s right, Larry King has a new book. It was awkward when I tried to get a signed copy; first I had to tell him my name twice – then, I had to tell him his name twice.”

“And finally, White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski couldn’t catch a foul ball last night, and it almost hit George W. Bush. Pierzynski apologized, but Bush was like (BUSH) ‘No sweat – I dropped the ball for eight years!’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, listen to this. One of Sarah Palin’s supporters is about to release a documentary about her called ‘The Undefeated.’ Really, ‘The Undefeated?’ That’s like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called ‘The Faithful.’”

“That’s right, someone made a two-hour documentary about Sarah Palin’s political life. In case you’re interested in watching a movie that’s longer than Palin’s ACTUAL political life.”

“Speaking of the Palins, in a new interview, Bristol Palin said she doesn’t plan on having more kids anytime soon. Then she added, ‘But that never stopped me before.’”

“I just saw this. President Obama is planning a state visit to Puerto Rico in June. I’m sorry, a ‘state visit to Puerto Rico?’ I’m pretty sure that’s, ‘a vacation to Puerto Rico.’ (‘We have also just normalized diplomatic relations with Sandals resort in Jamaica!’)”

“Here’s some election news. Donald Trump now says he may run for president as an independent. And when Donald Trump says he’s gonna do something, Donald Trump…says he’s gonna do something.”

“And get this – former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is apparently thinking about running for president. Wow, that would bring us to, like, 7 candidates…and about 35 ex-wives.”

“Check this out. A new study found that Oprah’s fans are going to feel a sense of overwhelming loneliness when her show goes off the air. But that’s only if Oprah tells them to.”

“Hey, a recent study found that women are more attracted to guys who are moody, as opposed to guys who are happy all the time. Although personally, I find that study…(SAD) I don’t know, it kind of bums me out. Whatever, studies are stupid anyway.”

“And finally, new research shows that having a long commute to work increases your chance of getting a divorce by 40 percent. Or as Bill Clinton put it, (CLINTON) ‘I think I’ll take the scenic route today.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, check this out. Charlie Sheen is apparently selling his 5-bedroom house in California for 7.2 million dollars. Yeah, the asking price is a little high, but then again, so is the asker.”

“Did you see this? Arnold Schwarzenegger was spotted on a bicycle without a helmet yesterday. Oh, what a surprise—Arnold riding something without using protection.”

“Listen to this. I heard that the ‘X Factor’ has already fired judge Cheryl Cole because her British accent was too hard for Americans to understand. Or as fellow judge Paula Abdul put it, (SLURRING) ‘Yeah, it was just really hard to know what she was saying.’”

“This was sweet. Oprah ended her final show yesterday by saying, ‘I won’t say goodbye, I’ll just say, until we meet again.’ Incidentally, that’s also what Lindsay Lohan says whenever she leaves court.”

“Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay began her house arrest today and was given an electronic ankle bracelet. (BEAT) Good luck gettin’ THAT back.”

“That’s right, today Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, (ARNOLD) ‘Don’t worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.’”

“I’m not sure what to make of this. Subway sandwich shops are testing out several upscale restaurants called Subway Cafes. They feature wood-paneling, lounge seating, and other things to distract you from the tuna fish being served with an ice-cream scoop.”

“And finally, I heard that a lot of tennis players at the French Open this year are complaining that the new balls they’re using are too firm. Or as Hugh Hefner’s fiancé put it, ‘What’s that like?’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I’m so excited. In honor of Fleet Week, tonight’s audience is made up entirely of service men and women. Yeah, unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger’s staff, which is made up entirely of women who service him.”

“That’s right, we have an all-military audience AND we have Stone Cold Steve Austin on the show. Why do I feel like I’m gonna get my ass kicked?”

“Thousands of service men and women are in town for Fleet Week. So if you see them out at a bar, buy them a shot. In fact, buy them two shots—in honor of the ones they gave Bin Laden.”

“Here’s some political news. Mitt Romney plans to officially announce his presidential campaign next Thursday. He’ll be unveiling his new slogan: ‘Mitt Romney: Even I’m Not Excited About Me.’”

“I’m not sure what to make of this. A woman in Florida was arrested for throwing butter at her roommate. Her roommate was immediately removed, and placed in a shelter for buttered women.”

“Do you guys know about this? The U.S. Navy designed a new video game for soldiers to learn how to catch Somali pirates. That’s gotta be confusing when you’re out in combat. It’s like, ‘I see the pirates, what should we do?’ ‘Press B!’”

“Check this out. Police in Ohio are looking for a man with a mullet who has robbed three banks. Yeah, the guy is always like, (HOLDING GUN) ‘Alright, everybody! Businessmen in the front, party people in the back!’”

“Some celebrity news. This week Amy Winehouse stopped at a store and bought vodka on her way to rehab. When she heard that, Lindsay Lohan was like, ‘That’s insane – you actually PAID for something in a store?!’”

“And finally, this is crazy. A Star Trek-themed vacation resort is apparently being built in Jordan. So if you live in the Middle East, now you know where to find your 72 virgins.”