QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” March 28–April 1, 2011

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Did you guys hear this? In his weekly radio address, President Obama said the U.S. has ‘clear and focused’ goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us…as soon as Hillary shares them with him.”

“I was just reading about this. Apparently more and more companies have started accepting job and internship applications on Twitter. Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you can fit your resume into 140 characters – you didn’t get the job.”

“Hey, Prince William had his bachelor party this weekend, and it was surprisingly low-key, with 20 friends just hanging out at an estate. It was really tame – instead of doing shots, they grabbed tea cups and were like, (MIME HOLDING TEA CUP, CHEERING) ‘SIPS SIPS, SIPS SIPS SIPS SIPS SIPS!’”

“This is pretty cool. Daniel Radcliffe is getting great reviews for his Broadway show ‘How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.’ Meanwhile, the Kardashians are getting great reviews for actually succeeding in business without really trying.”

“I’m a little scared. This is a true story. This is just insane. The Bronx Zoo had to close its reptile house after a poisonous snake went missing on Friday. Yeah, apparently the snake had been digging a tunnel for years and hiding it behind his poster of a sexy eel.”

“Get this. A reporter in Florida says he was forced into a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to guests at a fundraiser. The guy said it wouldn’t have been so bad, if Biden wasn’t already in there for the same reason.”

“Listen to this. The Census Bureau says that 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that means – 800 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S.”

“Hey, there’s a new magazine designed for gay military members. That’s right, it’s mostly just photos of privates.”

“And finally, I just read that Lindsay Lohan wants to drop her last name and just go by ‘Lindsay.’ That’s when you know things are bad – when even NAMES next to Lindsay vanish mysteriously.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, listen to this. Last night President Obama’s speech on Libya was actually scheduled early so it wouldn’t interrupt ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ That’s ridiculous. This is a major historical event that affects the lives of millions of people – I can’t believe it was almost interrupted by Obama’s speech.”

“That’s right, last night there was another big episode of the show ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ Yep, it was preceded by Obama’s new show, ‘Dancing Around The Objectives In Libya.’”

“Critics were saying President Obama seemed defensive and slightly angry during his speech on Libya. (SIDE OF MOUTH) Sounds like somebody’s March Madness bracket isn’t doing so hot.”

“This isn’t good. The cast of ‘Jersey Shore’ is heading to Italy, and Italians have already started protesting their arrival. It’s crazy, people are out in the streets are like, (FIST IN AIR) ‘No Jersey Shore! No Jersey Shore! (TURNS INTO A FIST PUMP) No! No! No! No – beat that beat! Beat that beat!’ (Help, I’ve been infected! I can’t stop it! It’s too good!)”

“Hey, I was just reading about this. The country’s obesity epidemic is driving up demand for oversized coffins. Of course, there’s always the other option – a regular coffin you just close really hard. (Just sit on it like a suitcase. ‘Get in there!’)”

“I just saw this. A recent survey found that religion is close to becoming extinct in nine countries. When people heard that, they were like ‘Oh my nobody, are you serious??’”

“Get this. A man and a woman who met on a British dating site eventually figured out that they were brother and sister. And this is nice – since they live close by, they can actually carpool to therapy.”

“And finally, a woman was arrested at Boston’s Logan International Airport with a diaper full of cocaine. That explains Charlie Sheen’s new catchphrase, ‘Duh – ‘pends!’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! You guys, I’m so excited—tomorrow is the Yankees home opener against the Detroit Tigers! Then Friday they’ll play against their new home rival: the Bronx Zoo Cobras.”

“Did you guys see this? In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like (SLIP PIECE OF PAPER) ‘Call this number and tell ‘em Pelosi sent you.’”

“Check this out. Spike TV is trying to get more female viewers by dropping its slogan, ‘Get some action!’ They’re replacing it with the new slogan, ‘Get some action…but only if there’s a serious, committed relationship!’”

“This is cool. There’s a new viral video of twin toddlers having a conversation with each other, even though they seem to be speaking gibberish. But I can understand them thanks to my latest purchase: ‘Rosetta Stone: Charlie Sheen Edition.’”

“This isn’t good. President Obama’s approval rating just hit an all-time low of 42 percent. To put that in perspective, the cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo has an approval rating of 43 percent.”

“Hey, I read that there’s a growing problem of people forgetting to include their iTunes passwords in their will. Wait, who’s leaving MP3’s to relatives in the first place? It’s like, ‘To my wife, I leave the house. To my brother, I leave my car. And to my kids, I leave…(PLAY ‘Y’ALL READY FOR THIS FROM JOCK JAMS’)”

“I heard that a popular Star Trek festival in Iowa might be canceled because of budget problems. Yeah, Star Trek fans haven’t been this disappointed since Quark lied about killing a Klingon in episode 303 of ‘Deep Space Nine.’ (Jimmy holds up sign that says, ‘I told those nerd writers that joke would BOMB!’)”

“Hey, you guys. This is really cool! Kevin Federline and his girlfriend are having a baby! You can tell the baby is Kevin’s because it’s a horrible rapper.”

“And finally, a new survey found that 55 percent of men expect to pay on the first date. While the other 45 percent…have never been on a second date.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Big news, everybody—the Bronx Zoo cobra has finally been found!”

“The cobra story has been crazy. Officials at the Bronx Zoo tried to lure the missing cobra out of hiding with live mice. That makes sense – I mean, where else would that cobra find mice in New York City?”

“I’m so excited…today was Opening Day for Major League Baseball, you guys! Everybody’s in the spirit – in fact even Charlie Sheen was like (SINGING) ‘Buy me some peanuts and crack!’

“This is cool, you guys. Larry King will throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals’ game on Saturday. I’m calling it right now: 80 miles per hour. That’s how fast the ambulance is gonna drive from the baseball stadium to the emergency room.”

“Larry hopes to throw a perfect strike – but my money’s on two really low balls.”

“You guys, listen to this. A major pot supplier to New York City was busted yesterday with 10 million dollars worth of marijuana. It’s a bummer. Today stoners all over the city lowered their eyelids to half-mast. (At least that snake’s still on the loose.)”

“Hey, NASA just took the world’s first-ever close-up picture of Mercury. Yeah, it’s amazing. Take a look: (PHOTO OF A 1990s MERCURY CAR).
…No, I’m just kidding. Here’s Mercury: (PHOTO OF FREDDIE MERCURY).
…Okay, really though. You should see the photo of Mercury: (PHOTO OF MERCURY IN THERMOMETER)
I’m just kidding, I’m not gonna show you a real picture of Mercury. Anyway…”(QUICK PHOTO OF PLANET MERCURY)

“This is just weird. Vanilla Ice will play Captain Hook in a pantomime version of ‘Peter Pan’ in England. So now you can actually check out his hook while the DJ revolves it.”

“Did anyone see this? A new study found that our happiness peaks in our late eighties. Yeah, mainly because all the people who annoyed you are dead by then.”

“And finally, this is a crazy story. A Radio Shack in Montana is giving customers the choice between a free gun or a Pizza Hut gift card if they sign up for satellite TV. The way it works is, you can take the gift card, and get some free pizza; or take the gun – and also get some free pizza.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I’m so excited, you guys. Baseball season has finally started! But get this. A new study found that the number of kids playing baseball has shrunk 24 percent. Yeah, Barry Bonds was like, ‘Big deal. (look down) I’ve shrunk, like, 50 percent.’”

“This is big, you guys. TLC will start airing new episodes of ‘Kate Plus 8’ starting this Monday. And they’re going to KEEP airing them, until Gadhafi agrees to step down from power.”

“Some more TV news. MTV is coming out with a new show that gives people sex advice. Basically, it’s just ‘Jersey Shore’ with the word ‘DON’T’ at the bottom of the screen.”

“Speaking of ‘Jersey Shore,’ this weekend Snooki will be part of a six-person tag team at Wrestlemania. Yeah, it’s just like every weekend Snooki has, except for the words ‘at Wrestlemania.’”

“Some sad news, you guys. The pizza chain ‘Sbarro’ is filing for bankruptcy. I’m sorry, ‘Sbankruptcy.’”

“Did you guys see this? Olive Garden is remodeling its restaurants to make them look like a Tuscan farmhouse. While their food is remodeling your body to make YOU look like a Tuscan farmhouse.”

“Check this out. This week, a message in a bottle was found in Russia, 24 years after it was written. Unfortunately, the note said, ‘Help – stranded with enough food for exactly 23 years.’”

“This is just a weird story. I heard that prison inmates in Colorado are going to cater a high school prom. That sounds romantic. (GIRL) ‘Hey, Bobby, do you want to dance?’ (GUY) ‘I would, but I’m Ray Ray’s bitch now.’”

“And finally, a woman in the UK left her daughter out of her will because she didn’t like the name of one of her grandchildren. Yeah, that means no inheritance for the woman, or for her baby, little ‘Grandma Sucks.’”