QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” March 21–March 25

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Some huge business news, you guys. Huge business news. After weeks of negotiation, AT&T has decided to buy T-Mobile for 39 billion dollars. It was a tough call for AT&T, but then again—EVERY call is a tough call for AT&T. (‘I can’t hear you. You’re breaking up.’”

“Did you guys see this? Sarah Palin made her first trip to Israel today. Palin said, (PALIN) ‘I like people of all religions…whether they celebrate Christmas or Jewish.’”

“Some political news. President Obama is in South America right now, but the White House says he’s getting regular updates on the situation in Libya. On an unrelated note – does anyone else think ‘The Situation in Libya’ sounds like an awesome ‘Jersey Shore’ spin-off? (Yo, watch out for those grenades! No, seriously, those are really grenades.)”

“This is interesting. Optometrists say the Nintendo 3DS can help spot lazy eyes in children. That’s in addition to the other thing it spots—lazy optometrists.”

“That’s right, the Nintendo 3DS can spot lazy eyes in children. You know what else is good at spotting a lazy eye in children? All the other children. (Children are mean. There are mean children out there.)”

“Get this. A medical marijuana store in Denver is giving away free joints in exchange for food donations. That’s gotta be weird for stoners. It’s like, (STONED) ‘Here’s the food I’m donating. (BEAT) Hey, you guys got any food?’”

“Listen to this. A new study found that elderly people lack the coordination to talk on their cell phones while crossing the street. But man, it’s fun watching them try.”

“This is amazing. A 400-pound sumo wrestler finished the LA Marathon yesterday in nine hours and 48 minutes. A sumo wrestler. Yeah, it was an inspiring sight for everyone watching – except the guy who finished in nine hours and 49 minutes.”

“That’s right, a 400-pound sumo wrestler finished the LA Marathon yesterday. And just 20 minutes ago, his boobs finally stopped jiggling. (Calm down, calm down)”

“And finally, the Mets released second baseman Luis Castillo on Friday, even though they still owe him six million dollars. Yeah, he’s getting millions to do nothing – which is why today, he was named an honorary Kardashian.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Today was the second day of Spring! You can always tell because the weather gets a little warmer, the flowers start blooming, and I start wearing tube tops around the office again. (It’s just so exciting.)”

“Some big tech news, you guys. Some big tech news. After AT&T bought T-Mobile this week, AT&T customers are worried the merger will make the network even slower. But good news, AT&T customers – that’s not even possible. (It’s impossible.)”

“Everyone’s following March Madness, but it’s been a few days without any games. It’s been so boring, President Obama said he actually wants to focus on the situations in Libya and Japan. (‘There’s no games to watch.’)”

“Speaking of Libya, Moammar Gadhafi is said to be hiding out in a series of underground tunnels. That’s basically admitting you’re evil, right? I mean, no one ever goes, ‘I’m innocent of all charges! Now if you need me, I’ll be hiding out in a series of underground tunnels.’”

“Check this out. A new study found that many woodwind and brass instruments used by high school bands are contaminated with bacteria. So, remember kids, always practice safe sax.”

“I was just reading about this. In a new interview, Martin Sheen said he knows what his son, Charlie Sheen, is going through. When asked what that is, he said ‘Lots of drugs and porn stars.’”

“I just saw this. New York City has a new service that lets you fight a parking ticket online. And this is nice – to make it feel like you’re talking to a real clerk, your computer will spend the whole time chewing gum and talking to a friend on the phone. (‘It’s just great. The computer’s ignoring me just like the person would.’)”

“Listen to this. The federal government may soon cut the number of passengers allowed on city buses because Americans have gotten heavier. I’m confused – if heavy people want transportation that’s big, slow, and has to stop every five seconds – why don’t they just walk?”

“And finally, over the weekend, Mark Zuckerberg changed his relationship status on Facebook to ‘in a relationship.’ Yeah, and that girl just changed her relationship status to ‘Cha-Ching!’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, believe it or not, we had some snow flurries here in New York today. I thought I felt some yesterday, but turns out they were just shards of glass from Chris Brown’s dressing room.”

“This story is crazy. Chris Brown had a huge outburst on ‘Good Morning America,’ but he’s been given an opportunity to perform on next week’s ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ It just goes to prove that old saying: when God closes one door, he smashes a window.”

“I just saw this. President Obama is cutting his trip to Latin America short by a few hours because of the situation in Libya. So to everyone who said Obama didn’t care about Libya, you’re wrong – he cares three hours worth.”

“Hey, it’s opening week for Major League Soccer! It’s a lot like March Madness – only the Sweet 16 refers to the number of people who watch each game. (It’s exciting)”

“Hey, this is sad, you guys. Knut, the world famous polar bear at that zoo in Germany, passed away this week. When asked how he died, Sarah Palin said, (QUICK, THEN NERVOUS LOOK) ‘natural causes!’ (Natural causes)”

“Knut the polar bear will be stuffed and displayed at Berlin’s Natural History Museum, so that people can continue to see him. That’s really touching – (EMOTIONAL) it’s exactly what we did with Grandpa.”

“Check this out. There’s a new iPhone app that provides turn-by-turn directions in stores, stadiums and museums. Yeah, the other thing it provides: really angry people walking behind you. (‘Come on! Hurry up! It says the concession stand should be 20 feet this way.’)”

“This isn’t good. Netflix’s streaming movie service went down for a few hours last night. Yeah, it was pretty annoying – I actually had to watch the Netflix DVD that’s been on my kitchen counter for 3 years. (Charlie Wilson’s war, let’s do it. Charlie Wilson, you are a card!)”

“Get this. A man in Texas used his obituary to ask for donations to anyone running against Obama in 2012. And this is pretty weird – today, his ghost was offered a nightly show on Fox News.”

“And finally, in an interview with ABC, Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in ‘theater.’ Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in Spider-Man the musical.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Did you guys see this? It was kind of funny. President Obama had to use another door to get into the White House yesterday after he got home and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. Yeah, when he couldn’t get in, Obama was like ‘Holy cow, is it 2012 already??’”

“I was just reading about this. ABC is not pressing charges against Chris Brown for smashing the window in his dressing room. Unfortunately though, Microsoft’s suing him for violating their patent on crashing Windows. (That’s what we do, buddy. Watch it. Enough is enough!)”

“I don’t know what to make of this story here. This is a true story. I’m not lying. This week, Steven Seagal rode in a tank with an Arizona sheriff to arrest a cockfighting suspect. That’s when you know your career’s in trouble – when even the things you do in real life look like they’re headed straight to video. (Let’s get in the tank, let’s go)”

“This is an insane story. I read about a three-year-old boy in China who weighs 132 pounds. In fact, he’s so overweight…he can barely walk to work in the morning.”

“That’s right, he’s 132 pounds and he’s three years old. Which explains his last name: Double-Chin.”

“It’s pretty crazy – instead of a pacifier, he just sucks on a Boar’s Head turkey.”

“Hey you guys. A new study found that Ecuador, Venezuela, and Colombia have the most well endowed men in the world. The study was conducted by TSA screeners at JFK’s International terminal.”

“That’s right, Ecuador, Venezuela, and Colombia have the most well endowed men. In a related story, did you know it’s actually pronounced, Yimmy Falyón?”

“And finally, MTV has renewed ‘The Real World’ for its 27th and 28th seasons. You can tell it’s been on forever. The cast for season 27 was actually conceived in the hot tub of season one.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! This is pretty crazy you guys. There are reports coming out that Moammar Gadhafi got hair plugs and face injections 16 years ago. So that’s why he looks so good. (…in case you were wondering.)”

“I don’t know what to make of this. Instead of calling our mission in Libya a ‘war,” the White House is calling it, ‘kinetic military action.’ You know, just like that game you played as a kid—(MIME THUMB WRESTLING) ‘one, two, three, four, I declare a thumb kinetic military action.’”

“This week Joe Biden visited Yankees spring training and said, ‘This is what I wanted to do with my life.’ Of course, when Biden said that, he was playing that game on the scoreboard where you pick which hat has the baseball in it. (Number 2! It’s number 2! No, Number 3! I can’t believe it!)”

“Listen to this. A corporation in Canada is buying the elevator music company, Muzak, for 345 million dollars. Yeah, after they closed the deal, they all went out partying – it was like…”(MUZAK PLAYS – DANCE LAMELY)

“Check this out. An animal shelter in Illinois just put a dog named Twitter up for adoption. Meanwhile, their dog, MySpace, was ‘taken to a farm in the countryside, where it can run and play forever.’”

“You guys, tomorrow night at 8:30 is Earth Hour, where people all over the world are encouraged to switch off their lights for an entire hour. Or as the Earth is putting it, (SEXY) ‘Well hello…’”

“This is cool. A movie is in the works about the NFL’s oldest cheerleader. You can tell she’s old – her favorite cheer is, (LIKE CHEERLEADER) ‘Gimme a quilt!’ (Seriously, I have a draft, anyone?)”

“Hey, I heard the soap opera, ‘Days of Our Lives,’ is adding a gay storyline for the first time in 45 years. Yeah, it’s about a guy who watches the soap opera, ‘Days of Our Lives.’ (Interesting story line)”

“And finally, some more big TV news. I heard that Bravo is canceling ‘The Real Housewives of DC’ after just one season. See? That’s when you know unemployment’s bad – when even people who don’t have jobs are losing their jobs.”