QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” June 7 – June 11

“Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody. Let’s get right to the news. Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo Central High School’s graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they can be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that would be great.”

“And I don’t know if you heard this. BP’s CEO Tony Hayward said yesterday that he will not step down over the Gulf Coast oil spill. Yeah, he said, “I mean it’s not like I let one of the biggest ecological disasters in history happen….oh I did? Oh I did? Oh…well, at least my first attempt at cleaning it up worked…what’s that, it didn’t? Huh, well at least the SECOND attempt fixed everything…No?…Huh. I should stop talking?”

“Even though he’s not stepping down, Tony Hayward IS handing over responsibility for the clean-up to an American named Bob Dudley. Well, there’s a name that gives me confidence. Bob Dudley. Sounds like a sitcom character who’s always messing everything up. “That is the LAST time I leave Bob Dudley in charge of the restaurant!”

“Hey, it was just announced that President Obama is going to visit India this November, in response to Prime Minister Singh’s invitation. Though mostly he’s going over there to visit our jobs.”

“This week, Vice President Joe Biden is on the first leg of his African tour, which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya and South Africa. The second leg of the tour will be when he goes back to all the countries to apologize for everything he said during the first leg. “How does somebody walk like an Egyptian?”

“This is big news. Veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas has just resigned after she said Israelis should “get the hell out of Palestine.” Yeah, Thomas hasn’t been in this much trouble since she told President Lincoln to stop whining and put a Band-Aid on it.”

“Hey, congratulations to Rush Limbaugh, who got married for the fourth time on Saturday. It was so romantic. First the couple wrote their own vows, then they wrote their own prescriptions. It was just really sweet.”

“Check this out. this weekend a musician in Australia performed a 20-minute concert for dogs. Or as they call that in China, “dinner theater.”

“This is pretty cool. Researchers in North Korea say they’ve developed a “super drink” that can multiply brain cells and stop skin from aging. Yeah, and not to be outdone, researchers in the U.S. have developed a beer that kind of tastes like lime.”

“Hey, Lady Gaga came back home to New York this weekend after ending her European tour. She was very happy to finally arrive – but not nearly as happy as the people in line behind her at airport security. It’s like “…maybe it’s my cone bra made out of hub caps, hold on let me just take this… “Yeah, it’s probably my refrigerator hat…hold on…”

“Police in Hawaii are looking for the person who stole Kanye West’s Porsche and crashed it into a mansion. One suspect was like, “Look, I didn’t steal it. I just sampled it, remixed it, and released it as a single.”

“This is kind of embarrassing. The new 4th generation iPhone was announced today, and Steve Jobs had trouble demonstrating how to use it because the WiFi networks weren’t working. So just to stall for time, he just demonstrated his Blackberry.

“Kate Gosselin is back on TV, with her new TLC show, “Kate Plus 8.” Meanwhile, Jon Gosselin has been pitching his new show “Jon Minus Everything.”

“Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Please sit down. Tonight the Obamas invited members of Congress to a picnic at the White House. Yeah they played all the classic picnic games: wiffle ball, capture the flag, and their favorite game: ignore the oil spill.”

“The Obamas’ picnic featured foods from all over the four corners of the U.S. The Pacific Northwest provided the wild salmon and strawberries, and the southern Gulf Coast provided 400 million gallons of salad dressing.”

“Yeah, the picnic was going great until people started tossing horseshoes at Nancy Pelosi. Very skinny lady.”

“Today marked the 50th day of the BP oil spill. Yeah, the oil spill is getting so old, its tar balls are starting to sag.”

“Did you see this? On the “Today” show this morning, President Obama said that he talks to oil experts so that he knows “whose ass to kick.” As opposed to the last president, who talked to oil experts so that he knew whose ass to kiss.”

“Obama said he talks to oil experts so that he knows whose ass to kick. Is it me or would Obama be the least scary bully of all time? “Uhhh…gimme your lunch money, or I swear to God, I will consult a group of experts for advice on the best way to proceed next. I may give you a swirlie. Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.”

“This is crazy. A veterinarian in Britain had to be rescued after she sedated a horse and it fell asleep on top of her. The weirdest part was when the horse woke up and said “We didn’t…you and me…last night…did we?” And the horse said that.”

“Listen to this. After campaigning with Bill Clinton last week, Joe Biden went to Egypt yesterday, on the first leg of his African tour. Bill told him, “Don’t worry about the first and second legs. It’s the third leg that gets you in trouble.”

“A surgeon in Florida was fined 5,000 dollars for removing the kidney of a patient instead of the gallbladder. The surgeon was like “I am so sorry for the mistake, and I mean that from the bottom of the red pumpy thingy in my chest.”

“I just read about a sleeping disorder called “sexomnia” where people have sex while they sleep. Yeah it’s usually men who initiate sex while they’re asleep, as opposed to women, who initiate sleep while they’re having sex.”

“And finally, some big Broadway news, a revival of “Annie” is in the works for 2012. That’s right – it’s just like the original, until the end when she’s adopted by Brad and Angelina.”

“Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody. Hey, did you guys hear about this? A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden’s House. Yeah, meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis.”

“Here’s a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they’re catching it with ducks.”

“BP expects to capture quote “virtually all” of the leaking oil by early next week. But if not “virtually all” of the oil then definitely “nearly most” of it. Or at least “almost some,” but probably closer to “next to none” of it.”

“There was a major screw-up at Delta Airlines yesterday. Did you guys hear about this? They switched up the tickets for two children and accidentally sent a kid from Cleveland to Boston and a kid from Boston to Cleveland. The parents were very upset. But the Celtics were like, “Ummmm, can you do that with LeBron James? That would be awesome”

“It’s actually a big, big week in sports: we’ve got the NBA Finals, the Stanley Cup Finals, and the start of the World Cup. That’s right, yeah basketball, hockey, and soccer. Or as Americans call that: “basketball.”

“Some big celebrity news. Yesterday, Heidi Montag filed for legal separation from her husband, Spencer Pratt. Yeah, Heidi said it was time for them to both start seeing other idiots.”

That’s right, Heidi and Spencer are breaking up. I don’t know where Spencer’s gonna go, but all I have to say is… “Please move in with Jon Gosselin. Please move in with Jon Gosselin. If God is real, you’re gonna move in with Jon Gosselin.”

“Speaking of Jon Gosselin, there’s a new video online that shows Jon getting stoned and eating Pringles last summer. Oddly enough, “once you pop, you can’t stop” was also Kate’s slogan.”

“This is a crazy a story, a woman in Texas gave birth this week in a pickup truck after her husband was pulled over for speeding. Of course, in Texas, that’s called a home birth.”
And finally, this week a man was arrested after he stowed away in the wheel well of a flight from Vienna to London. Officials are calling his hiding place “incredibly dangerous,” while Southwest Airlines is calling it “business class.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I am Jimmy Fallon and I am welcoming you. Let’s get right to the news. You guys heard about Al Gore and Tipper splitting up? Everyone’s talking about it, everyone has been blogging about this… and now there are reports online that Gore’s daughter and her husband are splitting up. Yeah, I bet this is the one week when Al Gore wishes he DIDN’T invent the Internet.”

“Here’s some good economic news. Yesterday, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said, “The economy appears to be on track to continue to expand through this year and next.” Then he said, “and you can take that to one of the remaining banks!”

“This afternoon, President Obama met with Bill Gates at the White House to discuss energy reform. It was very cool. Bill Gates offered to plug the Gulf Coast oil leak with 5 billion unsold Zunes. That’s a good idea.”

“Hey, the 2010 World Cup starts tomorrow in South Africa! Very excited! Yeah the first game is between South Africa and Mexico. Mexico really has a solid team this year, especially after they got all those great players from Arizona.”

“Here in New York, we’re six hours behind South Africa, which will make it hard to watch all the World Cup matches. But it WILL give you a great excuse to go to a pub at 8am. “Honey, I know its noon and I’m already wasted, but I can’t change how time works!”

“This is crazy. A man in Louisiana was arrested for using his prosthetic leg to smuggle cigarettes and muscle relaxers into a prison. Yeah, he said the hard part was getting the prosthetic leg into his rectum.”

“Hey did you guys see this, Snooki and The Situation were at the CMT Music Awards last night. Yeah, and to prepare for the event, they went out and got spray-on farmers’ tans. “Just do it up to here, stop here. Do it to here, stop right here. And a lot back here. That’d be great.”

“I also heard that in a new interview, Snooki and The Situation said that they are STD free. Which was a weird response cuz the question was, “How you guys doing today?”

“Also, listen to this, Senator John McCain actually tweeted to Snooki after she complained about the tanning-bed tax in the new health care law. But, unfortunately, Snooki never got the message because McCain tweeted it off his electric razor. “Where’s the “send” button? It’s sending.”

“Check this out everybody. A new report found that 20 percent of people over 45 had to dip into their retirement savings last year. And the other 80 percent said, “retirement savings?”
“And finally, fourteen patients broke out of an Internet addiction clinic in China last week. You know how they did it? Control/Alt/Escape.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Let’s get right to the news. South Africa played Mexico in the opening match of the World Cup today! There wasn’t a goal for almost an hour, and it ended in a one-one tie. Everyone was going nuts in the office. “You see that game?! Nothing happened and then NOBODY won! It was awesome!”

“Yeah, the game went on and on and ended up with no resolution. I guess that explains the game’s sponsor, BP.”

“And this is cool. Vice President Joe Biden is actually in South Africa for the World Cup. Biden’s looking forward to all the matches – or as he calls them, “foosball reenactments.”

“I heard that the Brazilian referees for tomorrow’s U.S.-England game have been studying English swear words to make sure the players don’t curse. Cuz if there’s one thing that thousands of drunk, shirtless hooligans can’t stand, it’s naughty language.”

“That’s right, the U.S. will face England on Saturday, and the U.S. ambassador and the U.K. ambassador have made a friendly wager on the game. That’s right, if England wins, we have to buy their ambassador tea and crumpets, and if we win, they have to buy us a new ocean.”

“Speaking of the whole mess, President Obama may finally meet with BP CEO Tony Hayward next week. Obama plans to ask Hayward for an update on the spill, while Hayward plans to ask Obama for an update on the spill.”

“Have you guys heard this – there are rumors going around that Sarah Palin got breast implants. Yeah, Palin says it’s just her way of trying to support the droops. Just a rumor…”

“Listen to this. A man from Ohio rode a bicycle 800 miles to his 50th high school reunion in Massachusetts. I thought people went to those things to impress their old friends. “Hey, Lisa, remember how you wouldn’t go to the prom with me? Well, now I have a bicycle!”

“And finally, a man in Florida had to be rescued after a mounted water buffalo head fell off a wall and trapped him in a chair. The man is calling it “a frightening near-death experience,” while water buffaloes are calling it “effing hilarious.”