QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” JUNE 18 – JUNE 22

Yesterday, President Obama played his 100^th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, cuz he finished about 14 trillion over par.

That’s right, 100 rounds of golf since being elected. Yeah, it was weird when Obama asked his caddie for a recommendation and he was like, “Uhh, don’t play so much golf??”

Some major international news. In a new interview, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he will retire from politics in 2013. Or as he put it, “Did somebody say ‘Dancing with the Stars’??”

Here’s an election update. Yesterday, Mitt Romney served pancakes at a special Father’s Day breakfast in Ohio. People knew the pancakes were made by Romney – cuz each one was flipped like, a hundred times.

Check this out. A new study found that Republicans are more likely to go to Dunkin’ Donuts, while Democrats are more likely to get their breakfast at Starbucks. While Governor Chris Christie takes the bipartisan route and gets a breakfast from each.

This is interesting. A new study found that bears are a lot smarter than previously thought. Which explains why Goldilocks just got an e-mail saying, “We know it was you.”

And finally, next month, two men in Oregon plan to travel 400 miles in two lawn chairs, connected to a bunch of balloons. Or as North Korea calls that, “the space program.”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Here’s some political news. President Obama has asked Senator John Kerry to stand in as Mitt Romney while he practices for the upcoming debates. Yeah, it’s a big job for Senator Kerry. First he has to memorize Romney’s stance on each issue – then memorize Romney’s OTHER stance on each issue.

Yeah, Obama’s using John Kerry as a stand-in for Romney. When he heard someone was pretending to be Mitt Romney, Romney was like, “Wait – that’s my job.”

Some big sports news. Yesterday, former pitcher Roger Clemens was found not guilty of lying to Congress in 2008 about steroid use. You could tell he was happy – after the verdict, he had his trainer inject him with champagne.

That’s right, Roger Clemens will avoid going to prison. That’s good news for Clemens – I mean, you’d hate to see a legendary pitcher become some other guy’s catcher.

Check this out. Police in Pakistan are being forced to go on a diet or they will be taken off patrol duty. Man, eat whatever you want, or patrol the streets of Pakistan?? Decisions, decisions…

This is interesting. A new study found that living alone can be bad for your health. So if you’re still waiting to meet the right person, don’t worry – you’ll probably die soon.

I read that Vice-President Biden’s wife was spotted shopping for lingerie yesterday, with Secret Service agents surrounding her. They weren’t protecting her or anything – they just happened to be there getting some things for their prostitutes.

And finally, pro skateboarder Rob Dyrdek has started a new line of frozen burritos aimed at stoners. Yeah, frozen burritos for stoners – otherwise known as, “frozen burritos.”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody! We have such a big show – tonight, we have Penelope Cruz on the show! We have LeVar Burton on the show! And most importantly, we have air conditioning on the show!

Man oh man, it was hot out today. In fact, it got up to 98 degrees here in New York. Yeah, I was sweating so bad that my cabbie told me to put on some deodorant.

We also have Kate Upton on the show tonight! Kate Upton! She is the model on the cover of this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Which explains why we suddenly have twice as many cue card guys as usual. (CUE CARD GUY WALKS OFF) Get lost, you don’t even work here.

Hey, here’s some political news. Today, President Obama used his executive privilege to withhold documents about a weapons operation called “Fast and Furious.” I don’t know what’s scarier – that we can’t see those documents, or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies.

This is cool. There’s talk that a “Sesame Street” movie is in the works. Of course it got weird, when Cookie Monster was like (COOKIE MONSTER) “Me willing to go nude if done tasteful.”

Some more entertainment news. “Twilight” star Kristen Stewart has been named the highest paid actress in Hollywood, after making over 34 million dollars in the last year. You could tell that Stewart is happy – cuz before, she was like (SULK), and now, she’s like (SAME SULK).

This is nice, today Regis and Kathie Lee reunited this morning when he co-hosted the fourth hour of the “Today” show. Yeah, cuz if there’s one guy you want around after drinking wine all morning, it’s Regis. (REGIS) How is your HANGOVER?? Can I get you some ASPIRIN? How about some GATORADE?”

Check this out. There’s a new website called SexyMandarin that uses half-naked models to help you learn Chinese. Or in other words, there’s a website where you won’t learn Chinese.

That’s right, a website where half-naked models teach you Chinese, called SexyMandarin. Which beats its original name: Rosetta Bone.

Welcome to Late Night Jimmy Fallon! Here’s a campaign update. Mitt Romney has gained more than 70 thousand Facebook fans in the last week. Yeah, he’s got an interesting Facebook page. Under political views, it says, “It’s complicated.”

Some more election news. A new report found that President Obama’s campaign spent six million dollars more than it raised last month. Which explains why his latest campaign ad ended with the phrase, “I’m Barack Obama, and I’m selling some old CD’s on Craigslist.”

Check this out. A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, “I don’t understand – how would they get on my private jet?”

Yeah, just 31 percent of Americans would sit next to Romney on an airplane, and 57 percent would rather sit next to President Obama. While 100 percent would want to watch them have to sit next to each other.

I don’t know what to make of this. A prison in Georgia is promising free food to inmates who can get past its new locks. Which raises an interesting question – what prison food isn’t free?

And finally, tomorrow is the 13th annual Take Your Dog to Work Day! Or as they call that in China, “Brown baggin’ it.”

Did you hear about this? There was a big Twitter outage in the U.S. today. Yeah, or as people at work put it, “Well, guess I better get back to Facebook.”

Yeah Twitter was out most of the day. It was terrible – I had to go up to strangers and say, “Can’t decide what to have for lunch. Hash-tag: ‘LOL.'”

And finally. A new study found that female goats can recognize their babies even after being separated for over a year. Unfortunately to get the male goats to recognize their babies, they have to go on “Maury.”

Hey, congratulations to LeBron James, who won his first NBA Championship with the Heat last night! The Heat had a great plan for getting LeBron to play better in the fourth quarter: telling him there was a fifth quarter.

Here’s an election update. Yesterday, President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial’s title, “Fifty Shades of Change.”

Some more campaign news. This week, Mitt Romney had his most successful day of fundraising, after he made eight million dollars. Or as Romney calls that, “cufflink money.”

Hey guys, tonight on the show we have the band FUN! I can’t wait for them to perform, it’s gonna be so much…“them.”

Did you see this? In a new interview, retiring New York Congressman Gary Ackerman said that people are getting dumber. I would’ve read the rest of the interview – but I wanted to catch Snooki & JWoww’s new reality show.

Get this. A new survey found that only 30 percent of Americans are confident in the country’s public schools. It’s pretty bad – for my niece’s history final, they’re just taking the kids to see “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.”

Listen to this. I read that nine percent of Americans admit to checking their cell phones while they’re at church. It’s not good – the other day when I was praying, God was like “Hold on – getting another call. (Oh hey, Tebow! Nah, now’s a perfect time!)”

And finally, this week a woman in Florida got into trouble for groping a TSA agent while she was getting a pat down. Or as the TSA put it, “The student has become the master.”