QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” JUNE 11 – JUNE 15
June 18, 2012 by J!-ENT
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody! Video game week. Very exciting. Welcome, welcome. Hey guys, here’s an election update. A new report found that Mitt Romney’s economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. Yeah, when he heard that Romney’s plan wouldn’t make any difference, Obama was like, “Hey, that’s MY thing!”
Speaking of the president, at recent speech, Obama said that he wants to build an economy where hard work pays off. Which explains why Obama’s approval rating just went down by three Kardashians.
Actually, Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy, featuring out of work Americans. Though it gets weird at the end, when he says, “I’m Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.”
Did you see this? Over the weekend, Joe Biden hosted a picnic for reporters, and he had a water gun fight with their kids. It would’ve been more fun, if he’d also given water guns to the kids. But still. (Ha ha! In your face Caleb!)
Get this, you guys. Last week, an “X Factor” contestant was busted for trying to steal a microphone from the set. Yeah, in response, “X Factor” producers were like, “We do not condone stealing – except from ‘American Idol.’ But that’s it.”
And finally, you guys, yesterday, Deena from “Jersey Shore” was arrested for standing in the middle of the street and slapping cars that were driving by. She was charged with one count of “being Deena from Jersey Shore.”
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, congratulations to the Los Angeles Kings! Last night they won their first Stanley Cup in the team’s 45-year history. Fans in LA couldn’t believe it – they were like, “We have a hockey team??”
Speaking of sports, in a new interview, President Obama said he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters – like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2.
Here’s some political news. One week after Wisconsin’s recall election, today Governor Scott Walker hosted a bratwurst party for Republicans and Democrats. I didn’t go, cuz I heard it was a total sausage fest.
Did you hear about this? A few days ago, Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa and had trouble thinking of the word for “donut.” Newt Gingrich immediately responded, “That NEVER would’ve happened if I was the nominee.”
Check this out. A Republican in Hawaii has become the first Senate candidate to launch a cable channel for her campaign. That’s right, a cable network aimed at getting a Republican elected – or as Fox News put it, “Uh, hellooooo???”
Hey, this Sunday is Father’s Day, you guys! Which gives you just five days to buy him a fishing magazine and a beer koozie at the gas station on the way to his house.
I read about a teenager in Canada who made her graduation dress out of her old math homework. Of course it got awkward when that one creepy kid was like, “Nice dress –are those B’s or C’s?”
This is a weird story. Police in Georgia are looking for people who stole 400 thousand toothpicks from a warehouse. Fortunately, one of the suspects has a clear alibi: a tiny piece of spinach (POINTING TO TEETH) right here.
I saw that Snooki’s ex-boyfriend, Emilio, is denying reports that he leaked nude pictures of her last week. Which narrows it down to…pretty much any other guy.
And finally, J. Crew announced that it’s getting ready to open its first store in Asia. Which explains why the tags on the clothes say, “Made By You.”
Welcome to Late Night Jimmy Fallon! Here’s some political news. President Obama is apparently planning to skip a major environmental summit in South America. Or as the Secret Service put it, “Aw, man!”
Hey, some big sports news. Last night, Game 1 of the NBA Finals had its highest ratings in ten years. Yeah, even LeBron James’ hairline was like, “Damn that’s high!”
Speaking of LeBron James, he revealed that he just finished reading all three books in the “Hunger Games” trilogy. The bad news is, he did it last night during the fourth quarter.
Check this out. I heard that Snooki, Pauly D and The Situation will each make 2.5 million dollars for this season of “Jersey Shore.” It just goes to show that if you put your mind to something and work hard… you’re wasting your time.
Some TV news. On Sunday, the Kardashians will sit down with Oprah for their first TV interview together as a family. It’s crazy – before this, if you wanted to see the Kardashian family on TV, you had to… turn on the TV.
I don’t know what to make of this. PETA is apparently launching a porn site to promote veganism. Of course it’s weird when the delivery guy’s like, “Did somebody order a soy cheese, whole wheat, gluten-free pizza??” (PORN MUSIC)
And finally, this week Apple unveiled a feature for the iPhone, which alerts you to new emails and texts hours after you receive them. Or as that’s also known, “Using AT&T.”
Welcome to Late Night With Jimmy Fallon! Some political news. Yesterday, President Obama said the GOP’s platform could be summed up in a single tweet, that would say, “Things aren’t as good as they should be, and it’s Obama’s fault.” In response, the GOP issued a statement saying, “That’s pretty good. Can you retweet that?”
And speaking of President Obama, today, he gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. Yeah, there were tons of people in the audience – you know, since nobody had to be at work.
Oh man, everyone’s talking about this. Lance Armstrong is facing new charges that he used performance-enhancing drugs. Lance isn’t happy about the news – in fact, all week he’s been testie.
Some more sports news. Last night, Giants pitcher Matt Cain threw his team’s first-ever perfect game against the Astros. Yep, the Astros went three hours without making it to first base – or as I used to call that, “a date.”
Hey I want to wish a Happy Birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 66 years old today! He didn’t want a big party, so he just invited a few close friends to comb over—I mean, come over.
Check this out. Tim Tebow recently said he’s gained nine pounds since joining the Jets, and plans to gain even more weight. You can tell his eating habits have changed – now, he spends most of his time praying for the return of the McRib.
This is interesting. The Mets might add a “quiet-seating section” to Citi Field, with lower volume announcements and no music. That’ll be weird when that one vendor is like, (STAGE WHISPER) “Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs heeeah!”
I don’t know what to make of this. A nudist resort in Michigan is hosting a clothing optional putt-putt golf tournament. Sounds like fun, as long as you don’t get any balls caught in the windmill.
Yeah it’s crazy. The same resort is also hosting a nude 5K run. You know, to give men another way to feel embarrassed by the guy from Kenya.
There’s talk that this October, President Obama will announce his support for legalizing marijuana. Which explains why he’s moving his family out of the White House and into a White Castle.
That’s right, Obama might support legalized marijuana to boost his chances of winning the election in November. Or as stoners will put it in December, “Weren’t we supposed to do something, right?”
Check this out. A new survey found that US Airways is the most hated airline in the country. Today, US Airways apologized to its passengers – then charged them a 50-dollar apology fee.
Happy Birthday to my man Barry Manilow, who turns 66 on Sunday. Barry Manilow. Or as most people put it, “Man, Clay Aiken’s really let himself go.”
Get this. A man in the UK has been accused of hacking into the PBS website. Finally answering the question – “Who’s the world’s lamest hacker?” “First I infiltrated the Antiques Roadshow internal database, then I broke the firewall on Sesame Street.”
Hey, this Sunday is Father’s Day, for all the dads out there! Yeah, this year I got my dad a new set of golf clubs, a golf bag, some tees – man, if he ever learns how to play golf, he is SET.
Did you hear about this? Tomorrow, China will send its first female astronaut into space. Which sounds pretty awesome – until you hear that it’s cuz her parents already have a boy.
Here’s something for history buffs. This Monday is the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812. Or as it was known in 1812, “The War.”
Listen to this. In a new interview, the guy who created “The Bachelor” said that 70 to 80 percent of reality TV is staged. Then he was like, “Can I say that again? I want it to sound more spontaneous…”
And finally, I read that Apple’s first computer from 1976 has been sold at an auction for almost 400 thousand dollars. No thanks – if I wanted a 36-year-old apple, I’d just go to the produce aisle in Walmart.
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