QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” JULY 9 – JULY 13, 201
July 16, 2012 by J!-ENT
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Some political news. Last week, House Speaker John Boehner said that Americans won’t fall in love with Mitt Romney. Which explains Romney’s new campaign slogan: “Mitt Romney – Will You Accept This Rose?”
That’s right Boehner said voters won’t fall in love with Mitt Romney. Then it got even weirder when Boehner was like, “At least – not like I have.”
Here’s some news on the economy. The White House is telling Americans not to “read too much” into Friday’s bad jobs report. Or as Americans put it, “You had me at ‘don’t read too much.’”
Hey you guys, Comic-Con starts this week in San Diego – and get this: it’ll actually feature a blood drive. Cuz that’s what comic book fans need – a way to look even more pale.
Some sports news. After signing a new three-year contract with the Knicks, Jason Kidd could become the fifth-oldest player in NBA history. Which explains his new name: Jason Adult.
This is nice. On Saturday, Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage. Which explains the guy he hired to perform the ceremony, Rabbi Magic Mike.
That’s right, Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage. As opposed to most congressmen, who prefer to just enter someone else’s marriage.
And finally, over the weekend, a man in North Carolina barricaded himself in a hotel room, asked for a pizza, and then demanded to hook up with Paris Hilton. Cops were like “We can definitely arrange one of those, but it might be hard to get a pizza.”
Welcome to Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, everybody! Thank you. I have some sad news you guys. Some sad news. The British band Chumbawamba announced that they are breaking up after 30 years. Yeah, 30 years – and one song. (But I think they’re gonna get back up again.)
Hey, I want to say congratulations to Kourtney Kardashian, who welcomed her second child over the weekend. Congratulations. It was weird though – instead of a boy or a girl, the doctor was just like, “It’s … a new reality show!”
Some election news. In a new interview, Mitt Romney said he doesn’t know where his financial records are because he doesn’t manage them. Yeah, he would have said more, but he had to give a speech on why he’s the perfect guy to fix the economy.
Did you guys see this? There’s talk that North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un may have a new girlfriend. Apparently she already changed her Facebook relationship status to “It’s forced.”
This isn’t good, you guys. Best Buy just announced plans to lay off 600 Geek Squad employees. In response, Geek Squad employees were like, “Phew – good thing I already live with my parents.”
I read that a high school in Indiana is requiring every student to buy an iPad instead of using textbooks. That’s nothing. In China they require every student to MAKE an iPad instead of using textbooks.
And finally – this was scary – over the weekend, a man in Massachusetts was chased by a great white shark while he was kayaking for the first time. Or as he’s now calling it, “kayaking for the last time.”
Some sports news. There are reports that the Saints have offered quarterback Drew Brees a five-year, 100-million-dollar contract. Wow, that’s even better than Katie Holmes!
This is cool. A hotel in England is bringing in Kindles to replace Bibles in their nightstands. Yep, and then they’ll be bringing in more Bibles to replace those stolen Kindles.
Speaking of England, officials with the London Olympics say that Facebook will play a major role in this year’s games. Though it’ll get weird during gymnastics, when the scores are “6.5…6.8…‘It’s complicated’…“Like’…”
I just saw this. After seven years of planning and construction, this week Donald Trump opened his golf course in Scotland. That’s right, seven years of raking, plowing, and fertilizing – or as Trump calls that, “a haircut.”
Hey, today was free Slurpee Day at 7-11, because of the date, July 11th. Not to be confused with that other date people wind up at 7-11: 4-20.
Check this out. The U.S. Army says it’s developing a new body armor for female soldiers, inspired by “Xena: Warrior Princess.” In related news, everyone at Comic Con just joined the army.
I read that the Spanish-language channel Univision was the highest-rated network in the U.S. last week. Which explains our network’s new name: “NB-Si, señor.”
And finally, it’s rumored that Apple is getting ready to release a smaller, cheaper iPad. It has a cool name, too: “the iPhone.”
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s some political news. Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama’s healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing – or as Congress calls that, a vote.
Here’s some sports news. In a new interview, Kobe Bryant said that this year’s Olympic basketball team could beat the 1992 Dream Team. Of course they could – all the guys from the ’92 Dream Team are, like, 50 years old!
Yeah, a Starbucks is opening inside a funeral home. Which explains why instead of leaving flowers by the tombstone, people are now leaving Michael Bublé CD’s.
Get this. Farmers in France have started giving their cows two bottles of wine every day, in order to make better beef. Unfortunately, all the cows wind up doing is texting their ex-milkers. “We were so good together…I miss you…”
This is crazy. An Ohio man in his 70s is making news for riding the same roller coaster seven thousand times. Which means he either loves that roller coaster… or he’s just been dead for the last three years. (“Well, he’s not getting off – guess he wants to go one more time!”)
Check this out. A chef from McDonald’s just revealed the recipe to the Big Mac’s secret sauce. Even more surprising – he also revealed the McRib’s secret meat.
Some local news. This week in Queens, a man wearing a Postal Service uniform robbed two banks in 10 minutes. Officials knew he wasn’t a real mailman, cuz he actually made it to two different places in 10 minutes.
I heard that the airline Virgin Atlantic is planning to offer “Fifty Shades of Grey” as an audiobook on certain flights. Marking the first time women onboard are actually asking for turbulence.
Yeah, Virgin Atlantic is offering “Fifty Shades of Grey” as an audiobook. Which gets weird when the old woman sitting next to you goes, “I think I just joined the ‘Mile High Club’!”
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey everybody, today is Friday the 13th – considered to be the unluckiest day of the year. Yeah, most people are avoiding black cats, while Mitt Romney is still avoiding black audiences.
Here’s some political news. In an interview with CBS, President Obama said the biggest mistake of his first term was not telling a story to give Americans a sense of unity. In response, Americans were like, “Yeah, fixing the economy would’ve been cool too.”
Some big TV news. Yesterday, “American Idol” judge Steven Tyler announced that he is leaving the show, with a statement that said, “It’s time for me to let go of my mistress ‘American Idol’ before she boils my rabbit.” Even Paula Abdul was like, “What drugs are you on??”
Hey, I want to wish a Happy Birthday to Harrison Ford, who turned 70 years old today! You can tell he’s getting up there by his new movie: “Raiders of The Bowl of Werther’s Originals.”
Check this out. The federal government is planning to close the largest medical marijuana store in the world. Which shouldn’t be hard, since the owner has forgotten to open it for, like, five years. (“You’re closing that down? That’s my favorite store, dude! What, I own it?? Or maybe YOU own it, and I’M closing it down!”)
That’s right, the government is closing the largest medical marijuana store in the world. Which explains why today, the flag at White Castle was at half-mast.
This is cool. Yesterday, fans at Comic-Con got to see the first seven minutes of the final “Twilight” movie. Yeah, there were a whole bunch of disturbing, pale characters battling each other – but they settled down once the movie came on.
This is interesting. A new study found that people with a lot of phobias are more likely to have health problems. Or as those people put it, “I was afraid of that.”
And finally, new research found that seven percent of adults are unable to handle the effects of wine. Although they’re totally fine to host the fourth hour of the “Today” show.
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