QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” February 28 – March 4

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Did you guys watch the Oscars last night? Lots of big moments. Christian Bale won the Best Supporting Actor Award for playing a mentally unstable drug addict. And then Charlie Sheen was like ‘You can get an award for that?’”

“This whole Charlie Sheen thing is getting crazy. This morning on the “Today” show, Charlie Sheen said he can’t remember the last time he did drugs. And there’s a reason he can’t remember: drugs.”

“ABC is airing a one-hour interview with Charlie Sheen tomorrow on ‘20/20.’ He would’ve done Dateline…but then he found out it didn’t involve ‘dates’ or ‘lines.’”

“Did you guys notice this? Twitter was down for two hours on Saturday. It was horrible. I was forced to call random people outta the phonebook and just tell them what I had for lunch. ‘Dude, I just had a yogurt and a turkey sandwich. Hashtag, Twitter’s down. Please Retweet.’”

“I don’t know what to make of this. A new study found that a small nuclear war could actually reverse the effects of global warming. I don’t want to sound selfish, but that sounds easier than sorting through my garbage.”

“This is cool. NASCAR driver Tony Stewart will drive a cab in Las Vegas for one day this week. Stewart’s expected to do fine – unless he has to turn right.”

“This is cool. There’s a new website called The-Mary-Sue.com, aimed at women who like computers, comic books, and video games. In other words, (audience reaction) It’s aimed at that woman right there.”

“And finally, listen to this. The American Academy of Pediatrics is officially recommending that people under 18 should be banned from tanning salons. While parents that take their kids to tanning salons should be banned from parenting.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Lots of big news around the world. Yesterday U.N. ambassador Susan Rice said Libyan president Moammar Gadhafi sounds ‘delusional’ and ‘disconnected from reality.’ When he heard that, Gadhafi was like ‘duh, winning!’”

“You been following the whole Charlie Sheen mess? Today on ABC, Charlie Sheen introduced his two 24-year-old girlfriends, Rachel and Natalie. They’re actually pretty interesting, one’s a doctor, the other one is a law professor. (BEAT) I’m just kidding, they’re probably strippers or something.”

“Last night on Piers Morgan’s show, Charlie Sheen brought out a drug test to prove he’s clean. Yeah, and then he answered some questions to prove he’s not.”

“Happy Birthday to Justin Bieber, who turned 17 today! It’s exciting. He’s finally old enough for his parents to move out of his house!”

“This is pretty interesting. Bristol Palin is releasing a book called ‘Not Afraid of Life.’ Meanwhile, Sarah Palin is releasing a book called, ‘I’m Afraid of Books.’”

“Check this out. A company in Massachusetts is building a robotic cheetah that will be able to run up to 70 miles per hour. I don’t know. If I wanted a cat with the personality of a robot, I’d just get a cat.”

“I just saw this. Costco has started selling designer wedding dresses for 40 percent less than boutiques. Yeah, it’s a typical Costco deal – you’re like, ‘I wasn’t planning on getting married, but…40 PERCENT OFF?!’”

“Did you see this? Christina Aguilera was arrested this morning for public intoxication. Not good – in fact, I heard on the breathalyzer she blew a point-(CHRISTINA) ohhhooohhooohhoooohhh-nine.”

“This is weird, you guys. Lady Gaga is coming out with a perfume that smells like an expensive hooker and contains a sample of some of her own blood. Yeah, cuz when a lady puts on perfume, the pick-up line she wants to hear is (SUAVE MAN, SNIFFING SLIGHTLY): ‘Pardon me, but are you a bleeding hooker?’ (‘No, I just smell like one’… HIGGINS: ‘Thank you Mr. Sheen’)”

“And finally, get this…A chicken in Iowa laid a four-ounce egg, which is twice the size of a normal large egg. The farmer was like ‘How did that happen?’ while the ostrich who lives next door was like (NERVOUS) ‘Yeah…how did that happen?…’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. You guys came on a special night – it’s our show’s two-year anniversary! Yeah it’s crazy to think about being here for two years. I mean when we started JAY LENO was hosting the Tonight Show. (You know what I’m saying?)”

“It’s our two-year anniversary. Tonight we’ll be throwing a big party at one of the country’s hottest venues: Sober Valley Lodge.”

“Poor Charlie Sheen. Oh man. He’s been doing interview after interview after interview. He was up at 4:30 am to do a live interview with the ‘Today’ show this morning. I mean, where does he get the energy?”

“And did you hear this? Charlie Sheen told E! News that he plans to release his own fragrance. Yep, it combines the delightful aromas of sweat, cigarettes, and denial. (It’s a very interesting combination.)”

“Yeah, it’s the first cologne that you smell like this (covers one nostril, sniffs air like snorting).”

“That’s right, Charlie Sheen is coming out with a cologne. In fact, he already made a commercial for it. Take a look.” (ROLL TAPE)

“Some big tech news. The iPad 2 was unveiled today, and it features two cameras. It’s great for people who love using their iPads in public, cuz now you can actually film everyone rolling their eyes at you.”

“Hey check this out, a man in New Orleans wrote a new musical about Hurricane Katrina. It’s pretty cool – in fact, FEMA says it plans on going to see it a week after it closes.”

“Here’s some political news. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he knows he could win the presidential election but he’s not running. You can tell he’s not running…just look at him. (He’s clearly… maybe walking briskly. I know I’m gonna get an email on that.)”

“Listen to this. I read that a lot of wealthy people have started eating at McDonald’s because of the recession. Which explains McDonald’s new jingle, ‘Ba-da-ba-BA-ba – I haaave to.’”

“And finally, protests continue in Madison, Wisconsin over Governor Scott Walker’s plant to strip unions of collective bargaining power. You know, I was gonna make a joke about this story, but I think this story needs more than a joke. I think it needs to be slow jammed.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Did you see this? Today the president of Mexico, Felipe Calderon, visited the White House. He asked to meet with our country’s biggest importer of Mexican goods – Charlie Sheen.”

“Everyone’s still talking about Charlie Sheen. In an interview with People magazine, Charlie said he doesn’t care if people think he’s crazy. Well, what he actually said was, he’s a warlock master protecting his goddesses from trolls armed with cocktail forks – but we got the message.”

“Listen to this, you guys. A new report found that the U.S. spends more than 5 billion dollars on redundant government programs. While another report found that the U.S. spends more than 5 billion dollars on redundant government programs.”

“I was just reading about this. A new study found that a chemical in your body can actually make you a bad dancer. Yeah, it’s called ‘vodka.’”

“You guys, we have Miley Cyrus on the show tonight! That’s right, (EXCITED) the girl who sang ‘Party in the USA,’ ‘Can’t Be Tamed,’ ‘7 Things,’ ‘When I Look At You,’ ‘See You Again’ (CATCH SELF)…or whatever her songs are… (I don’t know…)”

“Check this out, a recent study found that the U.S. has a higher obesity rate than Canada. Then again, maybe we just LOOK fatter cuz our flag has horizontal stripes.”

“I don’t know what to make of this. Prison inmates in Virginia who refuse to cut their hair are being moved to a maximum security prison. That’ll be weird. It’s like, ‘I’m here for triple homicide, how about you?’ (TOUGH) ‘I wanted to keep my bangs.’”

“And finally, two players from the Chicago Cubs got into a fight in the dugout yesterday during a spring training game. You could tell it was the Cubs, cuz it was the first fight ever where both guys lost.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, Spring is just a couple weeks away, and everyone’s trying to shed those winter pounds. Some people are doing pilates; some are doing aerobics; and Charlie Sheen? (CHARLIE) ‘Duh! Spinning!’ (Spinning!)”

“Yeah, he’s still everywhere. In an interview with People magazine, Charlie Sheen’s two girlfriends said they each connect with Charlie in different ways. I’m not touching that. I’m not touching that. No, that’s what I would say in Charlie Sheen’s house like 100 times, ‘No. I’m not touching that.’”

“Check this out. Panasonic is coming out with a new camera that can brighten your teeth, remove dark circles, make your eyes bigger, and your cheeks rosier. When she heard about it, Heidi Montag was like, ‘I could’ve just bought a CAMERA??’”

“Did you see this? Michigan lawmakers want to ban driving while on medical marijuana. Yeah, right now cops have it rough, it’s like, (COP) ‘Do you know why I pulled you over?’ (STONER) ‘No, do you know why fingers are all different lengths?’”

“This is crazy. A man in West Virginia was arrested for planting explosives in his yard to scare away cats. He was charged with three counts of ‘being from West Virginia.’ (Never gonna let a cat near in my yard)”

“Hey, a new survey found that women spend eight years of their lives going shopping. Yeah, which means men spend eight years of their lives on a bench outside Anne Taylor at the mall. (Guess I’ll get another Cinnabon)”

“This is insane. A woman in Texas gave birth to a baby in the parking lot of a strip club this week. The baby wasn’t in the mood to breast feed, but there was a two-drink minimum.”

“That’s right, she gave birth outside of a strip club. It was crazy – when the baby came out, it started working the umbilical cord.”

“The weirdest part: When the baby came out, they stamped his hand in case he wanted to go back in.”

“And finally, the Mexican president was in town and said he wants more American tourists to visit his country. Which explains their new tourism slogan: ‘Mexico. Come to us or we’ll come to you!’”