QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” FEBRUARY 27 – MARCH 2

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey guys, last night was the 84th Annual Academy Awards, and listen to this — the ratings were up four percent from last year. Or as Angelina Jolie’s leg put it, ‘You’re welcome.’”

“Yeah, after the Oscars last night, everyone was talking about how Angelina Jolie showed off her leg. Which explains why the dog from ‘The Artist’ kept hitting on it at the after-party.”

“At the age of 82, Christopher Plummer became the oldest person to win an Oscar. 82 years old, yeah, it’s been a big year for Plummer – earlier this month, his testicles received a SAG award.”

“Hey, Happy Birthday to Justin Bieber, who turns 18 years old this week. You can tell he’s growing up, cuz today, he took down all his Justin Bieber posters.”

Hey, I was just reading about this. Bill Nye the Science Guy is suing his ex-girlfriend for more than 50 thousand dollars in legal bills. Legal experts were shocked – they were like ‘Bill Nye the Science Guy had a girlfriend??’”

“Did you guys see this? There was apparently an electrical fire today at Fenway Park, home of the Boston Red Sox. It was weird – instead of calling 911, Boston fans just heckled the fire until it left. (BOSTON) ‘Hey, fire! You’re not as hot as you think you are! You can’t burn my clothes — they’re flame retardant.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Everybody is talking about the presidential election. Today, Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Yeah, Romney was like, ‘I would never pander to voters – I mean, unless you guys want me to.’”

“Today marks the 158th anniversary of the Republican Party. While tomorrow marks the 158th Republican debate.”

“This is interesting. A new study found that playing ‘World of Warcraft’ can improve the memory of seniors. Even my Grandma was like, ‘Pssh – I’m not playin’ with those nerds.’”

“I just saw this. A new report found that Hawaii has the best quality of life of any state in the U.S. You know, just in case you thought it sucked living in Hawaii.”

“Check this out. A wildlife park in Louisiana says that two of its female chimps managed to get pregnant, even though all of its male chimps have had vasectomies. Or as one wildlife official put it, (AWKWARD) ‘WHOA THAT’S WEIRD HAHAHA–Let’s go look at the zebras over here!’”

“Hey guys, get this. I read about a man in Missouri who can freeze-dry pet dogs and cats after they die. Yeah, it’s interesting how the guy came up with the idea – he’s a psycho.”

“Hey guys, listen to this. A company in Japan has plans to build a space elevator that will take passengers 22 thousand miles above Earth. It’s a long ride – people will be like, (AWKWARDLY RIDING) ‘Mondays, huh? (LONG BEAT, LOOK AT WATCH) Tuesdays, right? Tuesdays.’”

“And finally, tomorrow is Leap Day, you guys! It’s something that only happens once every four years – or as Newt Gingrich calls that, ‘a sit-up.’”

“How are you feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! We got big election news, you guys. Last night Mitt Romney came in first place in the Michigan primary, although he barely won. Incidentally, ‘barely one’ is also the total number of votes Ron Paul received.”

“In yesterday’s Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich actually came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, ‘It’s gonna be a loooong night.’”

“Speaking of Newt Gingrich, yesterday he said that Mitt Romney is so close-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, ‘Are you kidding me? A man with three boats? That’s my kinda guy!’”

“And did you see this? President Obama said that Mitt Romney’s opposition to the auto industry bailout was a load of quote ‘you-know-what.’ Then Biden was like, (EXCITED, RAISING HAND) ‘Oh I know – CRAP!’”

“Some big international news. North Korea has officially agreed to suspend its nuclear program. Apparently they watched one episode of ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ and realized we’re destroying our own society.”

“This isn’t good. A company in California is recalling a dietary supplement because it contains a product used to treat erectile dysfunction. Or as consumers put it, (LOOK DOWN) ‘Wow – this really does improve bone density!’”

“Listen to this. The Ringling Brothers Circus held clown auditions at New York City’s Grand Central Station this week. Yeah, traffic in mid-town was crazy – there was like, ONE car.”

“Hey,some big celebrity news. There are reports that Snooki from MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore’ is pregnant. Yeah, even the stars of ‘Teen Mom’ were like, (SHAKE HEAD) ‘She’s not ready.’”

“That’s right, reports say that Snooki is pregnant. Sammi, J-Woww, and Deena said, ‘I can’t believe you’re gonna be a mother!’ While Ronnie, Vinny, and The Situation said, ‘I can’t believe I’m gonna be a father!’”

“Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! You guys, this is our 600th episode! Which means we’re only twenty-seven episodes away from our 627th episode.”

“Hey, I just read this. Police officers across the country say that because of the economy, more thieves are stealing gas from parked cars. Yeah, victims said they hadn’t felt that robbed since they put the gas into their car.”

“Listen to this. To celebrate Leap Day, Disneyland stayed open for 24 hours straight yesterday. So if you’re someone who likes to hang out at Disneyland at 3 a.m. – Hi, I’m Chris Hansen from ‘Dateline NBC.’”

“Some TV news. Next month is the premiere of the new show, ‘The Real Housewives of Vancouver.’ You can tell it’s Canada – the housewives say nice things to each other’s faces, but then they go behind each other’s backs…and say even nicer things.”

“Did you see this? A new study found that cavemen suffered from many of the same diseases that modern humans have. You could tell when one caveman was like, ‘Bunga-unga. Sorry, me dyslexic.’”

“The same study also found that early cavemen were lactose intolerant. Which explains those cavemen that were like, ‘Me better have soy milk. You no want to be in cave after me have regular milk.’”

“This is pretty weird. A company in Connecticut is now selling a Mitt Romney action figure. Yeah, it’ll actually bend to whatever position you want – just like the real Mitt Romney!”

“How are you feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! I’m so excited, you guys – tonight we have Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band! And this is cool, today is also our show’s third birthday you guys! Yeah yeah, you only remembered that cuz Facebook told you.”

“Let’s get to some news you guys. Energy Secretary Steven Chu said his goal is to decrease our dependence on foreign oil, but not to lower gas prices. When Chu said that, Republicans were like, ‘Oh no Chu di-in’t.’”

“Check this out. This week, Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the ‘hipster wing’ of the Democratic Party. It’s pretty shocking – not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is.”

“Listen to this. New York City’s first gay hotel opened this week. Yeah, it’s that one upscale hotel: the Four Stevens.”

“Yeah, it’s replacing that other gay hotel, ‘Howard’s Johnson.’”

“Listen to this, you guys. This week, a 95-year-old woman married a 98-year-old man to become the world’s oldest newlyweds. Yeah, they’re registered at ‘Bed, Sponge Bath and Beyond.’”

“Yeah, on their wedding night, the sign on their door just said, ‘This Is Disturbing.’”

“And finally, I read that Kim Kardashian is being sued for five million dollars for endorsing a diet pill that doesn’t work. That’s weird – if there’s anyone who’s perfect to represent ‘not working,’ it’s Kim Kardashian.”