QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” December 20 – 23

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  You guys, Christmas is less than a week away! Everyone’s in the giving spirit – in fact just yesterday, I saw the Giants hand a football game to the Eagles. (I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock)”

“Did anyone see this? Last night on ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska,’ Palin and her family went whitewater rafting with a guide named Mud Flap.  It was such an odd name, Sarah Palin was like, ‘Are you sure you’re not one of my kids?’ (‘Track! Jacket! Get away from Mud Flap! Gortex, get away from Mud Flap! Get over there. Sorry. What were you saying, Mud Flap?’)”

“Listen to this.  While visiting a school on Friday, President Obama said he walks his dog Bo on the White House Lawn, but sometimes he has to scoop up Bo’s poop.  They probably should find someone else to do that – if there’s one thing Obama’s not good at, it’s cleaning up a mess that was left for him.”

“Check this out.  For the first time in 456 years, tomorrow’s winter solstice will coincide with a full lunar eclipse. Oh my God, that is so cool probably! (What does that mean even?)”

“I don’t know what to make of this, you guys. Charles Barkley was talking about Brett Favre recently and said that if you’re going to send a woman a picture of your junk, — quote – ‘it should be humongous.’ In response, NBC viewers called it one of the weirdest ‘The More You Know’ promos they’ve ever seen.”

“I just read that a theater company in Chicago is putting on a production of ‘A Christmas Carol’ in Klingon. Yeah, audiences of nerds haven’t been this excited since a winter solstice overlapped with a full lunar eclipse. (What does that mean? What is going to happen?)”

“Man, there’s been some terrible weather over in Europe. London’s Heathrow Airport was closed yesterday because of snow and ice.  In fact, Heathrow cancelled so many flights, today it changed its name to ‘LaGuardia.’”

“This is big, you guys.  Levi Johnston reportedly has a new girlfriend in Alaska named Sunny Oglesby. Which raises an interesting question: is there ANYONE in Alaska with a normal human name? Sunny Oglesby?  That sounds like a suspect from an Encyclopedia Brown book.”

“And finally, Singapore has a new campaign to clean up 70 percent of its public toilets by the year 2013. Or in much grosser news, Singapore has admitted that 30 percent of its public toilets will not be cleaned for THREE YEARS.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight?  Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. It’s Christmas time here in New York City. It’s so exciting out there. The streets are packed, it’s crazy. In fact, police officers here in New York just found two chickens wandering around midtown.  Or as pigeons call them, (annoyed) ‘tourists!’ (It’s pretty fun)”

“Hey, happy birthday to Chinese President Hu Jintao, who turned 68 today! President Obama was going to get him a present, but it’s a little weird buying someone a gift with their own money.”

“This is cool.  The Madame Tussauds wax museum in D.C. will open a new gallery next year featuring all 44 presidents. The Obama statue is pretty lifelike – in fact just today, Biden spent an hour telling him about his weekend.”

“Check this out.  A new study found that there are only 786 mountain gorillas left in the world.  And that number could go down even further after the premiere of the new TV show, ‘Sarah Palin’s Congo.’”

“I just saw this.  A man in California proposed to his girlfriend while she was sitting on Santa’s lap at the mall.  Everyone watching was like, (TOUCH HEART EMOTIONALLY) ‘Awww, that is so…weird.’ (That’s actually weird)”

“I’m not sure what to make of this.  An airport in Germany hired clowns to entertain travelers who got stuck in the airport overnight. So wait, German clowns performing while you wait in an airport for hours? That’s not entertainment, that’s a dream you tell your therapist.”

“Here’s some sports news.  Giants quarterback Eli Manning called a players-only meeting yesterday to discuss their fourth quarter collapse against the Eagles.  At the start of the meeting, Eli was like, ‘Who wants to kick things off? Other than the punter…’”

“And finally, a new survey found that women are more likely to have a one night stand on New Year’s Eve than any other night of the year.  While men are more likely to have a one night stand on any night women are more likely to have a one night stand.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight?  Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  Hey guys, some big TV news. ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska’ has been such a big hit for TLC, I heard they’re trying to get her to do another season. You know who DOESN’T want Palin to have a second season? Elk.”

“That’s right, TLC is trying to get Sarah Palin to shoot a second season of her show. In response, Sarah Palin was like, ‘Stop – you had me at shoot.’”

“This is pretty interesting.  According to a new study, email use among senior citizens has increased 17 percent last year.  Or as grandkids put it, ‘Kill me now.’  (No, Grandma, just press ‘send,’ grandma.  I know there is no ‘send’ key. You don’t need a ‘send’ key. It’s on the screen… Forget it.)”

“You guys, we have ‘Feliz Navidad’ singer Jose Feliciano on the show tonight! You know, I stayed up all night learning the Spanish part so I don’t look like those dudes who fake it. (SINGING) ‘Feliz Navidad…pro bono onions some peas tada?…’ (It was pretty Close)”

“This is crazy.  Police in Tennessee found four live monkeys inside a man’s house during a meth raid. And I just want to say, Matt Lauer, I’m not bailing you out this time. (I’m not doing it this time)”

“Hey, congratulations to ‘All My Children’ actress Rebecca Budig, who won ‘Skating with the Stars’ last night.  She beat out the two other finalists…somebody else and whoever it was.”

“I don’t know if you guys saw this. An airport in Louisiana was evacuated yesterday over a suspicious package that ended up containing a frozen chicken and a head lamp. Oh good, so it wasn’t suspicious at all. (ON PHONE: ‘Hey buddy, I never got that package you were gonna send me…a frozen chicken and a head lamp.’)”

“This is pretty scary, you guys. Security officials say that al Qaeda once considered spreading poison through salad bars across the U.S. But they abandoned the plan after Sizzler beat them to it. (It’s already been done. Been there done that)”

“Check this out. Police in Rhode Island are looking for a man dressed as Santa Claus who robbed a bar. Seriously? You’re looking for a man dressed as Santa on Christmas? That’s like looking for a girl dressed as a slut on Halloween.”

“And finally, oh man. This week ANOTHER actor was injured during production of the new Spider-Man musical after he fell 30 feet into the orchestra pit. At this point, they’re not gonna fix anything – they’re just gonna change the name to ‘Jackass 4.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight?  Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Listen to this. The Postal Service says that the number of letters to Santa has dropped this year because of e-mail, Twitter, and Facebook. And because George Bush was busy writing ‘Decision Points.’”

“Speaking of Bush, did you hear about this? A man in Texas lost control of his car last night and ran it onto George W. Bush’s front lawn. Well, it could have been worse – he could have lost control of a whole economy and run it into the ground.”

“Here’s some big news.  The White House announced that Chinese President Hu Jintao is visiting D.C. Higgins, Hu’s in town. HIGGINS: I don’t know. Who’s in town?  JIMMY: I just told you. The Chinese President.  HIGGINS: What’s his name?  JIMMY: Hu? HIGGINS: I don’t know. That’s what I’m asking you. Who’s in town? JIMMY: Yeah, Hu’s in town. HIGGINS: The Chinese President. What’s his name?  JIMMY: Who?  HIGGINS: I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you. Who’s in town? JIMMY: The Chinese President is in town. HIGGINS: What’s the Chinese President’s name? JIMMY: Hu? HIGGINS: The Chinese President. BOTH: The Chinese President. His name is Hu.”

“Check this out, you guys. A new study found that eating fried fish may increase your risk of having a stroke. Especially if right when you’re eating it, the fish turns its head and opens its eyes and goes, ‘what’s up?’ (then you’re TOTALLY gonna have a stroke)”

“You guys, this is my last monologue of this year! So before I forget, I just wanna say thank you to all the people who help me put it together every day – Snooki, Sarah Palin, Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen. (Hu Jintao)”

“I’m not sure what to make of this, you guys. Scientists in Japan have produced a genetically engineered mouse that can chirp like a bird. Yeah, a combination of mouse and bird – cats haven’t been this excited since ‘a man dangled a string.’”

“This isn’t good, you guys.  There’s some controversy over foot fetish videos online featuring the wife of Jets coach Rex Ryan. It’s weird, when I first read about Rex Ryan’s foot fetish, I just thought they misspelled ‘food.’”

“This is weird. A new study found that reindeer eat hallucinogenic mushrooms to escape boredom during the winter. I guess that explains the most popular reindeer game, ‘Look at the cloud.’ (She’s so cute. She knows my name. She’s in my brain.)”

“And finally, I heard that teen pregnancy in the U.S. hit an all-time low last year. Well, sure…but only because Bristol was doing ‘Dancing With the Stars.’”