QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” AUGUST 8 – AUGUST 12

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon – which, I’m proud to announce, has maintained its Triple-A Talk Show Rating.”

“Man, America’s credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its Triple-A status. Or as Joe Biden put it, ‘What happens if I get a flat tire?!’”

“Some election news. Michele Bachmann is on the cover of the latest issue of Newsweek. But did you see the picture? Take a look: (SHOW PICTURE) That’s when you know it’s bad – when even YOU look surprised you’re running for president.”

“She looks like she just walked in on Newt Gingrich taking a shower.”

“Listen to this. About 45 thousand Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from ‘Verizon’ to ‘AT&T.’”

“Verizon is expecting service problems this week because of the strike. Today the lady on my voicemail was like, (VOICEMAIL) ‘You have three new messages. Get ‘em yourself.’”

“Did you guys hear about this? A 15-year-old girl just won the ‘Microsoft Excel World Championship.’ Yeah, Microsoft was like, ‘Word.’”

“Check this out. A man in the UK says that a rare plant in his garden ate a type of bird called a blue tit. Yeah, a blue tit – that doesn’t sound like a bird, it sounds like something in the director’s cut of ‘Smurfs 3D.’”

“That’s right, a plant ate a bird called a blue tit. Not good – in fact by the time they recovered the blue tit, it was a purple nurple.”

“And finally, I read that Outkast rapper Big Boi was just arrested for illegal drug possession, including Viagra. Which explains Big Boi’s new name, ‘Even Bigger Boi.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, did you hear about this? There was a small fire today at President Obama’s vacation home in Martha’s Vineyard. Or as Obama told China, ‘Darn! That’s where I was keeping the 14 trillion dollars I was about to give back! What are the odds??’”

“Listen to this. Yesterday, Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh’s chair accused him of doing the same thing.”

“There’s been some rough economic news. Yesterday the Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is – it’s a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.”

“You probably saw this. After some tough losses this weekend, the Yankees have now lost all four of their series against the Red Sox. Which explains why today, the S&P downgraded the Yankees to ‘the Mets.’”

“This is amazing. A 98-year-old woman in California just got a 10th-degree black belt in judo. You can tell she’s 98 cuz she got the belt on sale at Talbot’s.”

“Here’s some election news. A new poll found that President Obama’s approval rating is lowest in Idaho. It probably has to do with Obama’s new campaign slogan: ‘Potatoes suck balls.’”

“I just saw this. A department store in London is selling a Justin Bieber ice cream sundae to celebrate the launch of his fragrance. Or as guys put it, (TOUGH GUY) ‘Pshh, I’m not gonna eat some lame Justin Bieber sundae – I’m just here for the fragrance.’”

“I don’t know what to make of this. Last week, a man in Arizona accidentally shot himself in the crotch while putting a gun into the waistband of his pants. Well, now it’s ‘her pants.’”

“And finally, the Pittsburgh Zoo is about to open the first elephant sperm bank in North America. Or as elephants call it, ‘A WAY better gig than the circus.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Well, you guys—there are riots in London, there’s chaos in the Middle East, and economic disaster around the world. But here’s the good news: WE HAVE SNOOKI ON THE SHOW TONIGHT!”

“Speaking of ‘Jersey Shore,’ in a new interview, The Situation said he’s hoping to start a movie career. Which is why today, he was like (RIP TICKET STUB) ‘Theater number four. Enjoy your show.’”

“Listen to this. It’s rumored that MTV is coming out with a movie version of its old reality show ‘The Hills.’ Yeah, Lauren Conrad will play the lead, while Heidi Montag will play the hills.”

“Here’s some election news. During a speech this week, Michele Bachmann said she won’t use teleprompters if she is elected president. Then she added, ‘And that’s a promise from me to…(LOOK DOWN AT NOTE CARDS, FLIP TO NEXT ONE) hang on, I have it here somewhere…oh, here it is. ‘Good afternoon.’”

“That’s right, Michele Bachmann said that if she’s elected president, she won’t read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she’s elected president, she won’t read words.”

“Get this. The Republican party is making automated robo-calls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robo-call from Mitt Romney – turns out it was actually Mitt Romney.”

“This is weird. Hershey’s announced that someone hacked into its website and changed a recipe. It’s weird when your buddy is like (1ST HACKER) ‘I hacked into the CIA and spied on Iran – what’d you do?’ (2ND HACKER) ‘Well, do you know walnut brownies? Now they’re PECAN brownies!’ (High five)

“Hey, today was the final round of the National Scrabble Championship in Texas. Wow, I bet there’s a lot of…excitingness? (BUZZER) Damn!”

“And finally, a man in Illinois was arrested for stealing a woman’s diamond ring and swallowing it. Police recovered the ring using that old interrogation technique – Good Cop/Bad Chipotle.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, listen to this. President Obama took campaign volunteers out for burgers yesterday and apparently left a 35 percent tip. Oh man, that guy is SO generous… with China’s money.”

“Speaking of the economy, I read that AOL stocks dropped 20 percent this week. It’s not good – when I signed on, the guy was like (AOL) ‘Welcome! – can I crash at your place for a while?’ (TAG: ‘You’ve got…a futon, right?’)”

“This isn’t good. After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.”

“This is interesting. Today the military launched a new aircraft that can travel at 20 times the speed of sound. (JIMMY MOUTHS) Wow, that must be so AWESOME to go faster than the speed of sound.”

“Hey, I read that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin went scuba diving yesterday. Not for fun – he just wanted to visit his old political rivals. (PUTIN) ‘This is Boris – he disappeared somehow. This is Yakov – he also disappeared somehow. This is Igor – he supported Yakov.’”

“Check this out, you guys. During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp. made 2.7 billion dollars last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.”

“Did anyone see this? A new study found that using Facebook too much can lead to psychological problems. Which explains that new relationship status, ‘It’s complicated…because a magical unicorn said it was.’”

“Get this. The Kardashian sisters are about to release their first novel. I don’t want anyone to know I’m reading it, so I’m just going to hide it behind another book – like Snooki’s novel.”

“And finally, Qantas Airlines is now offering a documentary about sex as one of its in-flight movies. Which explains why my flight attendant was like, ‘Sir, would you like some nuts? They’re on channel 4.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, this is pretty interesting. A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, ‘Wanna bet?’”

“Did you see this? In a speech yesterday, President Obama promised to come up with ideas for new jobs every week. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden promised to come up with ideas for new cereals every week. ‘Okay, you combine Lucky Charms and Grape Nuts – Lucky Nuts!’ (‘It’s morning. Time to eat my Lucky Nuts!’)”

“Check this out. This week in New York Aretha Franklin sang for a police officer to get out of a parking ticket. I can’t wait til I get pulled over, and I’m like, ‘Excuse me, officer. (CLEAR THROAT, SING) A little bit of Monica in my life, a little bit of Erica by my side, a little bit of Rita – (SPEAK) wait, are you writing a second ticket??’”

“I just saw this. General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs, and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it, ‘Nice, they should make one for Lucky Nuts!’”

“This is interesting. A new study found that 20 percent of Internet time is spent on social networking sites. While the other 80 percent is spent hiding a Facebook window behind Excel.”

“This is crazy. A school in New Zealand discovered that a model skeleton for an anatomy class was actually a real human skeleton. Yeah, they made the realization, when they noticed they hadn’t seen their anatomy teacher in about eight months.”

“Some sports news. The NCAA has proposed a minimum GPA for basketball players to be eligible for March Madness. In related news, the term ‘Final Four’ now refers to the total number of players eligible for March Madness.”

“Did you hear about this? The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it’s a little frustrating when you try to text ‘Burglar! Please hurry!,’ and it auto-corrects to ‘Burger, please. Hungry.’”

“And finally, this is cool. The movie, ‘The Help,’ opens this week – it’s about a maid who reveals personal secrets about the family she works for. Or as one guy put it, (ARNOLD) ‘Two thumbs DOWN!’ (‘Mildred, log on to Rotten Tomatoes now! Give it zero percent! It’s rotten!!!’)”