QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” AUGUST 1 – AUGUST 5

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Well, you guys…after many rounds of negotiation and compromise on both sides, a deal was finally reached—that’s right, my wife would go see ‘Cowboys & Aliens’ while I would go see ‘The Smurfs.’”

“That’s right, we finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this – Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a ‘sugar-coated Satan sandwich.’ Or as Americans put it, ‘Sugar-coated? Yum – I’ll take six, please!’”

“Some big sports news. Former Giants star Plaxico Burress is returning to New York to play with the Jets. Which explains that new chant – ‘J-E-T-S!’ (DUCK, AS THREE GUNSHOTS ARE FIRED.)”

“This is interesting. McDonald’s is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It’s nice – when kids get their Happy Meal toy, they’re like, ‘Cool! I made this.’”

“Hey, listen to this. 83-year-old former Louisiana Governor Edwin Edwards just married a woman 51 years younger than him. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, ‘Does she have a daughter?’”

“Did you see this? On Saturday, a couple in Texas got married with a computer officiating their wedding. Yeah, it was weird – the priest was like, ‘If anyone here objects to this wedding, hit Control-Alt-Delete.’”

“I just saw this. Juergen Klinsmann has been named the new coach of the U.S. men’s national soccer team. Cuz when I think ‘USA,’ I think ‘a guy named Juergen.’”

“Some TV news. TeenNick has begun airing episodes of its popular 90’s shows like ‘Doug’ and ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark?!’ And I thought this was cool – over the weekend, Obama brought in Clarissa to explain the debt ceiling.”

“And finally, a school district in Florida is banning students from having bangs. Especially if the bangs are with their teachers.”

“How are you feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Listen to this, you guys. A new poll found that 77 percent of Americans think lawmakers acted like ‘spoiled children’ during the debt ceiling debate. In response, lawmakers issued a statement, saying (LIKE KID) ‘Nuh-uh!’”

“Hey, it’s rumored that Charlie Sheen checked his ex-wife Brooke Mueller out of rehab in Mexico and brought her to another facility. Which begs the question – what kind of rehab facility lets Charlie Sheen check someone out?”

“Some more celebrity news. Last week, ‘Twilight’ star Taylor Lautner bought a 200-thousand-dollar car. It was weird – the dealer was like, (TAUNTING) ‘Haha, that car’s only worth fifteen grand! Team Edward, bitch!’”

“Did you hear about this? The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, ‘You know what, I’ll just take the groping.’”

“This is crazy. A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on 700 dollars worth of Victoria’s Secret underwear. That’s right, she smothered lingerie with chili – or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, ‘foreplay.’”

(SEDUCTIVE) “‘Why don’t you slip into something a little more, ‘con carne?’”

“This is interesting. A recent survey found that 67 percent of people rely more on their computer than their dog. I can see why – when I asked my computer who played the bad guy in ‘Die Hard,’ it said ‘Alan Rickman.’ But when I asked my dog, he just sat there going, ‘Which Die Hard – there’s been like FOUR of them.’”

“Get this. A new study found that the jellyfish population is on the rise at the Jersey Shore. Either that, or JWoww’s implants just got loose.”

“Check this out. A company in Seattle is coming out with a medical marijuana patch for dogs and cats. So finally, dogs and cats won’t have to buy their weed illegally.”

“That’s right, a medical marijuana patch for pets. Or as my dog put it, (STONER) ‘Wait, I got it – the bad guy from Die Hard was Hans Gruber!’”

“And finally, a woman in New Jersey was arrested for running a prostitution ring out of a Dunkin’ Donuts. Yeah, when one guy asked for something with Cinnamon, they were like, ‘Sorry, Cinnamon’s off tonight.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday tonight in Chicago. Yep, Obama cut the cake – then Republicans cut everything else.”

“Did you see this? While eating at a burger place today, President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice – he just wanted to get rid of it when he saw Michelle coming.”

“This was weird. Yesterday, a peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that, or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.”

“Speaking of New York, a new report found that the city’s MTA fails to alert subway riders about service changes most of the time. The MTA was like, ‘That is not true. The information is clearly posted on our website, (MUFFLED MTA VOICE)—dot-org.’”

“Listen to this. Marvel Comics just unveiled a new half-Hispanic Spiderman named Miles Morales. In this version, Spiderman faces his biggest challenge yet: living in Arizona.”

“Some political news. Harry Reid announced that the Senate is going on vacation until the Tuesday after Labor Day. Which explains why this morning, they passed a bill moving Labor Day to December.”

“I just read this. A new study found that swearing doesn’t make you feel better. But you know who disagrees with that? Anyone’s who’s ever stubbed their toe.”

“Some celebrity news. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt say they are so broke that they’re living at his parents’ house. Wow – my heart definitely goes out to them. And by ‘them,’ I mean Spencer’s parents.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, this is nice. Today Michelle Obama urged her husband’s supporters to sign an e-card for his 50th birthday. Which explains why Joe Biden has magic marker all over his computer screen.”

“Here’s an election update. Fox News will host the next Republican primary debate on August 11th in Iowa. Yeah, Fox News will ask some tough questions, like ‘How much better are you than Obama,’ ‘Why is Obama such a bad president,’ and ‘Man, can you believe we elected that guy?’”

“This is cool. I heard that later this year, India will introduce a 35-dollar laptop. It’s weird buying a computer in India — when you call tech support, your own cell phone rings. (HOLD UP TWO PHONES) ‘Have you tried unplugging it? You know I did, I’m you.’”

“I just read this. A company in South Carolina is selling a new device that keeps track of how many bites of food you have each day. I think we already have a device like that – it’s called your butt.”

“Speaking of food, a new study found that eating healthy adds 380 dollars to your grocery bill every year. Or as Americans put it, (EXCITED) ‘Cool, I saved 380 dollars this year!’”

“This is interesting. In a recent survey, 60 percent of teenagers said they’re ‘highly addicted’ to their cell phones. While the other 40 percent were like, (TEXTING) ‘One sec. I’m sorry. What were you saying? Hold on a second. What? (LAUGHS) Ha, Gary’s awesome…’”

“I don’t know what to make of this. A restaurant here in New York is serving a grilled cheese-flavored martini. Or as parents put it, ‘Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis!’”

“Check this out. A company is making a new line of perfume that is supposed to smell like Lithuania. And if it doesn’t – how the hell would you know?”

“And finally, Kraft, the owner of Oscar Mayer and Planters, is splitting into two publicly traded companies. That’s not good—you never want to split your wiener from your nuts.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! I’m so excited – ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ came out today, a movie about genetically modified animals taking over the world. Of course you may know it by its other name, ‘Jersey Shore.’”

“That’s right, last night was the season premiere of Jersey Shore! At the beginning of the episode, a can of bronzer leaked in JWoww’s suitcase. On the bright side, at least her other two cans weren’t leaking.”

“Some political news. I read that Joe Biden will make a diplomatic visit to China in two weeks. You can tell he’s taking it seriously – he spent all day trying to read fortune cookies without adding ‘in bed’ after each fortune. (READING) ‘The long path is often the hardest.’ (BITING LIP, SQUIRMING) ‘In bed – damn!’”

“This is interesting. A new study found that presidents age two times faster than normal people while they’re in office. Or as John McCain put it, ‘Whew – good thing I lost!’”

“Man, it’s been a tough time for the economy, but this week, President Obama declared that quote ‘things will get better.’ Yep, and then he opened his eyes, and blew out the candles on his birthday cake.”

“Check this out. This week, a group of Buddhists freed 534 lobsters in Massachusetts. Or as sharks put it, ‘Wow, it really IS Shark Week!’”

“This is cool. The Smithsonian opened a new exhibit today about the Chilean miners. Though I thought it was in poor taste that they put it in the basement.”

“Hey, this Sunday is the New York City Triathlon, where athletes run in Central Park, bike along the West Side Highway, and swim in the Hudson River. Or as sharks put it, ‘Man, this week just KEEPS GETTING BETTER!’”

“And finally, in a new interview with Glamour magazine, Hillary Clinton said, ‘One thing I’ve never been called is soft.’ And then Bill was like (CLINTON) ‘Me neither.’”