QUOTABLES FROM “LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” (April 25-April 29, 2011)

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! We’ve been off for two weeks, and I have to say, it was pretty nice just sleeping in every day. Yeah, I was at my second job as an air traffic controller.”

“Hey, President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll today. It was a little awkward though – Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg’s birth certificate.”

“Of course, Jewish people spent the last week observing Passover. Meanwhile, the Knicks spent today observing ‘It’s-over.’”

“Here’s some celebrity news. This weekend, Charlie Sheen said he would like to give Lindsay Lohan a hug and tell her everything will be all right. Wait, Charlie Sheen giving advice to Lindsay Lohan? That’s like…CHARLIE SHEEN GIVING ADVICE TO LINDSAY LOHAN.”

“Listen to this. A new study found that Americans spend 1.2 trillion dollars every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it, ‘healthcare.’”

“Check this out. There’s a new dating website called ‘What’s Your Price.com’ that lets you bid on dates. That’s a little weird. It’s like, (SWEET TALK) ‘Sharon, I’m really excited to take you out this evening…especially since I got a GREAT deal on you! Incredible bargain!’”

“I just saw this. An airline in China is now requiring all of its flight attendants to learn kung fu as a way to deal with out of control passengers. Yeah, the weird thing is, the airline’s also making them all speak dubbed-over English.

MILES: ‘Hey! I know you! You had your cell phone on during take off. I asked you to turn it off. You may have fooled me, but you will not fool my son, the pilot. Ah ha ha!’”

“Hey, the state of New York just passed a new law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. I’m no expert – but isn’t that pretty much what prison is?”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon – or as NBC is calling it, ‘The Royal Wedding Pre-pre-pre-show.’”

“Everybody’s talking about the royal wedding. And get this, apparently Kate Middleton is planning to do her own makeup. So aside from the castle, the jewels, the limousines, the mansions, the servants, and the butlers…she’s basically just like us, you guys!”

“I just saw this. The Libyan government says Moammar Gadhafi is still in ‘high spirits,’ even though his compound was destroyed this week. Most people would be devastated, but here’s the thing—he’s insane.”

“Did you see this? It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over three wives.”

“Listen to this. Flavor Flav is closing his chicken restaurant in Iowa because of a dispute with his business partner. It’s too bad. It was a great business idea…except for the part about opening a chicken restaurant in Iowa with Flavor Flav.”

“Some tech news. Facebook just launched the ‘send’ button, which lets you share web articles with particular groups of friends. That’s good – cuz when I log onto Facebook, my first thought is, ‘not enough people sending me things.’”

“This is big, you guys. While the cast of ‘Jersey Shore’ shoots in Italy, they will be banned from drinking alcohol in public. Or as Snooki put it, ‘Is it possible to EAT alcohol?’”

“Some health news. A new study found that aspirin doesn’t mix well with Prozac. Yeah, the study was published by the National Institute of Gary Busey.”

“And finally, a company in California has a new line of perfume inspired by characters from Dungeons and Dragons. So if you’re a girl, and you love Dungeons and Dragons – you’re a figment of some nerd’s imagination.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I’m Jimmy Fallon, and if you don’t believe me—(HOLD UP PAPER) here’s my birth certificate. (Sex, question mark? What does that mean?)”

“It’s huge news. President Obama released his birth certificate today, proving once and for all that he was born in the United States. Yep, the certificate clearly shows that he was born on the all-American street of Kalanianaole Highway at the Kapiolani Hospital in Oahu.”

“Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair.”

“Check this out. President Obama returned to New York today for his third visit in less than a month. You could tell Obama’s becoming a New Yorker. Today he changed his slogan from ‘Yes We Can!’ to (BROOKLYN ACCENT) ‘What, do you think we can’t?’”

“Speaking of New York, there’s a new play in New York City about the life of Lindsay Lohan. The actress who played Lindsay totally stole the show…plus a gold necklace, three rings, and a bracelet. (They’re looking for them right now.)”

“Some big TV news. NBC’s new singing show, ‘The Voice,’ had better ratings last night than ‘Glee’ and ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ NBC executives say they have no idea how this happened, but they’re looking into fixing it right away.”

“Listen to this. This is kind of funny. An elderly couple in Pennsylvania received a UPS package by mistake with more than twenty thousand dollars worth of marijuana inside. That explains why today, they were like (STONER) ‘Dude…when we take our dentures out, do you think they, like, talk to each other?’ (4:20, it’s dinner time)”

“And finally, I heard that Britney Spears is banning cookie dough ice cream and alcohol from her new tour. Or as Britney told her kids, ‘Breakfast is cancelled, y’all!’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! I’m so excited…today was the first round of the NFL Draft! Yeah, I celebrated by going into my man-cave, breaking out a six-pack, and watching five straight hours of royal wedding coverage.”

“Speaking of the royal wedding, listen to this. A man in the UK got pictures of Prince William and Kate Middleton tattooed on his two front teeth. I don’t know, that just seems like such an unclassy idea for a tooth tattoo.”

“Some more news out of England. MTV is coming out with a British version of ‘Jersey Shore.’ Everyone’s excited – today, even the guards at Buckingham Palace were like (BEAT STARTS PLAYING, GRADUALLY FIST-PUMP).”

“Did you guys see this? While he was taping Oprah yesterday, President Obama said that Americans are living in a ‘very serious time.’ Yeah, but when would a president NOT say that? (SERIOUS OBAMA) Uh, ladies and gentlemen. We are living in….(WACKY VOICE) really wacky and silly times! I’m talkin’ goofy, funny stuff! (SILLY LAUGH).”

“Get this. A town in New Jersey has a new law that limits the amount of time roosters can spend with chickens. Oh man, what a cock block.”

“Some big business news. McDonald’s is planning to hire 50 thousand new employees in China over the next two years. They have a good plan to find workers – they’re gonna put job applications in 50 thousand Happy Meals.”

“McDonald’s is also planning to open 700 new stores in China by 2013. Yeah, they have a great dollar menu – or as China calls it, the ‘worthless’ menu.”

“Check this out. A new study found that students who use Facebook while studying have 20 percent lower grades than students who focus. When kids who use Facebook heard that they were like, ‘20 percent? Big deal. What’s that, like 10 percent?’”

“And finally, I heard that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to star in a new ‘Terminator’ movie. Of course, he’s getting a little older. His new catchphrase is (ARNOLD) ‘ow, my back!’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Today was the big royal wedding, you guys! Prince William and Kate Middleton kissed each other in public two times on a balcony. At one point I was like, ‘Jeez, GET A CASTLE, YOU TWO!’”

“It took Kate Middleton about four minutes to walk down the aisle at the royal wedding. Meanwhile, it took me about a second to realize I was a grown man using a stopwatch to time a bride walking down the aisle.”

“The royal wedding went pretty smoothly, but Prince William seemed to have trouble putting the wedding ring on Kate’s finger. Anyone else kinda worried about how their wedding night’s gonna go?”

“This week the royal wedding was more popular on Google than God, Barack Obama, and Justin Bieber. Yeah, even God was like, ‘Wait, it was more popular than JUSTIN BIEBER?’”

“Listen to this. A new poll found that Donald Trump is ahead of Mitt Romney as the most popular Republican presidential candidate for 2012. Trump called it ‘great news,’ while Obama called it ‘great news.’”

“Check this out. Yesterday, ten Delta Airlines baggage handlers were arrested for smuggling drugs into Detroit. Yeah, you can tell Delta was involved, because the drugs were supposed to be smuggled into Chicago.”

“This is interesting. A new study found that birds who live in the city have larger brains than country birds. Yeah, this morning I threw a pigeon a piece of my muffin and it was like, (NERDY) ‘Did you know muffins were invented in Massachusetts in the 1880s?’”

“And finally, I read that Ozzy Osbourne is selling his beach house in California for ten million dollars. Man, if those walls could talk – I wouldn’t be able to understand a word they were saying.”