“LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON” QUOTABLES (OCTOBER 24-OCTOBER 28, 2011)

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, some political news. Today President Obama went to Las Vegas for a campaign fundraiser. He spent most of the visit working on his new economic recovery plan, (ROLLING DICE) ‘Come on, seven!’” (THROW)

“Did you see this? Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn’t made up his mind about whether he’ll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question… ‘Who was raising that question??’”

“This is cool. Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of the iPod’s debut. Or as most Americans put it, (TAKE OUT HEADPHONES) ‘I’m sorry, what’d you say?’”

“That’s right, the iPod’s been around for ten years – which is also the length of time it takes to detangle your iPod headphones.”

“Check this out. Last week, Starbucks unveiled a lighter-tasting coffee called ‘Starbucks Blonde Roast.’ You can tell it’s blonde, cuz it thinks ‘soy milk’ is just Spanish for ‘I am milk.’”

“This isn’t good. Walmart is planning to reduce its healthcare plan for new employees. Which explains why today, my greeter was like, ‘Hello, welcome to Walmart – would you mind checking out this mole?’”

“Listen to this. A judge ruled that the man who hacked into Scarlett Johansonn’s cell phone and stole nude photos, is no longer allowed to use the Internet. That’s right, they gave him AOL.”

“Get this. Mattel is facing criticism over a new Barbie that comes with permanent tattoos and pink hair. Daddy issues sold separately.”

“And finally, I just read that a bear broke into a candy store in Tennessee and started eating all the candy. That’s right, a live bear filled with candy – or as Sarah Palin calls that, ‘the best piñata ever.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Oh man, these Republican debates just keep on coming. A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go head to head. While people watching that will go head to pillow.”

“Some more political news. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced that he will visit Israel next year. Yep, Christie hopes to visit the site of the Last Supper – you know, to see if there’s any leftovers.”

“That’s right, Chris Christie is going to Israel. He’s gonna be pretty disappointed when he finds out the Gaza Strip isn’t a steak.”

“Did you see this? President Obama just launched his own blog on the website Tumblr. Incidentally, ‘tumbler’ is what you call President Obama after looking at his poll numbers.”

“Hey, get this. An aquarium in Connecticut flew a whale in from Chicago in the hopes that he will mate with two female whales. Of course it wasn’t a good sign, when he was like (GAY), ‘Do you have any low-fat kelp? The regular kind goes STRAIGHT to my tail.’”

“Listen to this. A new study found that bacon and freshly baked bread are Americans’ favorite smells. Yeah, this morning instead of putting on cologne, I just rubbed my neck with a BLT. (The ladies love it. Chris Christie loves it too.)”

“This is interesting. I heard about a new iPhone app that helps you reduce stress and breathe slower. Yeah, I just installed it, and even my Angry Birds are like, (HIPPIE) ‘It’s all good, bro.’ (‘I told those pigs, live and let live.’)”

“This is just insane. A man in California got stuck in a child’s swing for nine hours after he made a bet with his friends and they ditched him. And for the record – (TO ROOTS) I’m still REALLY pissed at you guys for leaving me there.”

“And finally, some celebrity news. Last week, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber adopted a dog together. Not to be outdone, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopted Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, some big election news. In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he’s talking about. Then he added, ‘But he DOES know what he’s talking about.’”

“Did you see this? Yesterday, marijuana activists in San Francisco protested President Obama’s crackdown on weed. It’s weird when stoners protest – they’re like, (STONER) ‘Hell no, we won’t go, hell no we—wait, what time is it? 3 o’clock? Scooby Doo’s on, let’s go.’”

“This is weird. A company in England is coming out with a new perfume that smells like beer. Yeah, it’s called (DRAMATIC TO CAMERA) ‘Lohan.’”

“This is nice. It looks like two contestants on this season of ‘The Biggest Loser’ are now dating. Yeah, it’s cute – instead of ‘dinner and a movie,’ they do ‘dinner and three more dinners.’”

“The other day, they were spotted shopping for rings. Onion rings, but still.”

“She was like, ‘He went to Jared. From Subway.’”

“Get this. Last week, sixty Elvis impersonators were forced to evacuate a fundraiser after the fire alarm went off. Yeah, when they held the door for each other, it was like (ELVISES HOLDING DOORS) ‘Thank you very much!’ ‘Thank you very much!’ ‘Thank you very much!’ ‘Thank you very much!’”

“And finally, Sylvester Stallone is being sued for copying another writer’s screenplay to make ‘The Expendables.’ Yeah, you can tell from the part where Stallone blows up a fighter jet and then goes, (STALLONE) ‘Simba, one day all of this will be yours.’”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Hey, this is really cool. President Obama just announced a new student loan plan that will forgive debt after 20 years. Yeah, Obama said that forgiving debt is the most honorable thing someone can do. And then he repeated that in Chinese.”

“Some big business news. It’s estimated that Nintendo has lost one billion dollars in the last six months. It’s pretty bad – today I saw Luigi siphoning gas for his Mariokart.”

“But don’t worry – Nintendo has a great plan to turn things around – it’s called ‘Up up, down down, left-right, left-right, B-A, select start.’”

“Did you see this? A company in Illinois is selling a collectible baby doll of President Obama. It’s really cute—the doll can even say a few words…as long as it has a teleprompter.”

“And just so Republicans don’t complain, it comes with a birth certificate.”

“Get this. Two lawmakers in New York have proposed a bill that would make it a felony to sell knockoff maple syrup. Which is bad news for that one syrup brand, Cousin Jemima.”

“Check this out. This week, an eight-foot tall statue of a Lego man washed up on a beach in Florida. Officials aren’t sure what happened – they’re still trying to put all the pieces together.”

“Last week, a Delta passenger proposed to his girlfriend on the plane, after they met on a Delta flight back in 2010. Of course, since it’s Delta, they’ve actually just been stuck on that plane since 2010.”

“How are you guys feeling tonight? Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, this is cool. Last night, President Obama had dinner with a U.S. postal worker who won a contest to meet him. The mailman was like, ‘Wow, someone who takes longer to deliver than I do!’”

“It was a long meal – every time Obama tried to pass the salt, it got rejected by Republicans.”

“Have you heard about this? Two lawmakers in New York have proposed a bill that would make it a felony to sell fake maple syrup and label it as the real thing. Or as one confused Occupy Wall Street protestor put it, (EXCITED) ‘WE DID IT!!! What? This isn’t about syrup?’”

”Hey, some election news. Michele Bachmann’s campaign is giving a new jacket to supporters who donate 75 dollars. And in honor of Bachmann’s poll numbers, they’re 100 percent down.”

“This is crazy. The East Coast is preparing for a snowstorm this weekend, right before Halloween. Which explains the most popular costume: slutty Eskimo.”

“Listen to this. Two brothers in Ohio are apparently running against each other for mayor. Yeah, their attack ads are pretty weird – it’s like, (AD VOICE) ‘My opponent says he’s fiscally responsible. But did you know he once traded a Barry Bonds rookie card for just two packs of Gushers?’ (Vote Brian, not Jason. Jason wets the bed.)”

“Check this out. I heard that Verizon’s ‘Can You Hear Me Now’ guy just came out of the closet. Though it was kinda weird when two thousand extras immediately came out of the closet behind him.”

“Some business news. There are reports that Google and Microsoft are competing with each other to buy Yahoo. Even Yahoo was like, (INCREDULOUS) ‘They are?!?’”

“Did you see this? Because of a mold problem in one of the dorms, a college in Maryland will move its students to a cruise ship. It’s a lot of fun – til Sunday morning, when you have to do the backstroke of shame.”

“And finally, I just saw this. There’s a movie theater here in New York that’s now serving alcohol. Or in other words, there’s finally a way to see Lindsay Lohan at the movies again.”